Televisually Impaired

, | Working | September 17, 2013

(I’m ringing to cancel my TV packages.)

Me: “Hi, yes, can I cancel my account please?”

Cancellation Department: “I’m sorry to hear that; can I ask why?”

Me: “I pay a considerable amount of money, and there is never anything on.”

Cancellation Department: “What about the other people in your house; won’t they want to watch TV?”

Me: “I speak for my family and pay the bills; I would like to cancel.”

Cancellation Department: “What about half-price movies?”

Me: “Nope, not interested.”

Cancellation Department: “Half-price sports?”

Me: “Nope.”

Cancellation Department: “Free Formula One?”

Me: “I am not interested; I want to cancel.”

Cancellation Department: “What about HD channels?”

Me: “Nope.”

Cancellation Department: “We have catch up services.”

Me: “That is free to everyone, and we have it on our smart TV.”

Cancellation Department: “We could upgrade your TV equip—”

Me: “Nope, no and no!”

Cancellation Department: “I don’t know what you want from me!”

Me: “I want you to cancel my TV packages please!”

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Taking A Hard Line

| Working | April 1, 2013

Customer Service: “How may I help you?”

Me: “My neighbor had cable installed last year. Their service line was run along our side and rear property line to the junction box, but it was never buried. We have been tossing it back and forth when we mow thinking it was going to get buried, but apparently it has been forgotten.”

Customer Service: “Okay, I can help you with that. What is the address being served.”

Me: “Well, my address is 202 [street name]. So, their address must be 200 [street name].”

Customer Service: “Oh, we can’t take a service request from anyone other than the customer.”

Me: “But, the line is running through my yard.”

Customer Service: “I’m sorry sir, but they will have to make the request.”

Me:  “Well, let me ask you this, then. Can you take an outage report from anyone other than the customer?”

Customer Service: “Yes, we can. Why?”

Me: “Because I am getting ready to mow my yard, and my neighbor is going to be out of service in about 15 minutes.”

Customer Service: “Fine, sir. I will go ahead and enter your request.”

Me: “Thank you!”

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There Is No Analog For This Conversation

| Right | March 3, 2013

(I work for a large cable company that has recently switch a few stations from analog to digital format, freeing up space for more channels and internet bandwidth. I work at one of the retail stores where customers can pick up adapters to get the channels back.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

Customer: “Where the f*** did Lifetime go?”

Me: “Oh! You must be talking about our digital switch over. Basically, we’ve switched these channels over and we’re giving out these adapters to get them instead, and they’re free until 2015.”

Customer: “Why would you do this anyway? You people are always doing this; you’re always trying to screw the customer!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, this is to allow for more channels, faster internet speeds, and future technologies as we get them, so it’s really for your benefit.”

Customer: “The internet is for the devil!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The internet is for the devil! I won’t use it!”

Me: “Well… I know that a lot of other people use the internet for business and school and for other good purposes, but I can understand where you’re coming from. Would you like to pick up your adapter today?”

Customer: “No, I think I’m just going to get dish. You charge too much anyway. How does that dish work?”

(I play it cool, and explain how it works and the differences between the services as unbiased as I can be.)

Customer: “Ok, I’ll have to think about it all. I’m not sure what I want to do. Everyone’s screwing me over. I’m going to be dead soon, did you know that I was dying? Yep, I won’t be here next year. Then when I was pulling in here that a**hole cut me off. Can you believe the nerve? He almost killed me? I f***ing flipped him off. I wish he’d tried following me. I’d have shown him something if he started following me. Just like those d*** kids going 80 miles an hour down my road!”

(This continues for another 10 minutes without pause. However, at the end of everything she got everything off her chest and I actually got a smile out of her at the end! I claim victory.)

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