Slash That Off The List Of Insults

| Related | May 25, 2015

(My brother and I are in my dad’s truck driving down the road. My brother is five and I am ten.)

Brother: “Hey, isn’t that where [Friend] lives?”

Me: *being jerky* “No, you idiot-slash-jerk. He doesn’t live there.”

Brother: *bows head, silent for a moment, then with all the hatred a five year old can muster, fists clenched on lap* “Nobody, but NOBODY calls. Me. Slash.”

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Driving Me To Steal

| Friendly | April 20, 2015

(I’m driving a box truck on the way to a delivery and my passenger mirror keeps hitting tree branches that are hanging close to the road.)

Coworker: *after hitting a branch* “D***, girl, drive it like you stole it!”

Me: “I’ve never understood that phrase. If I stole a car I would still drive like a conscientious citizen so as not to draw police attention to the fact that I’m driving a stolen car.”

Coworker: “…Well, do that now, then!”

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