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Mountainous Gaps Of Knowledge

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2010

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello. I want to go on holiday this summer. I’d like to visit somewhere a bit different.”

Me: “Would you be interested in visiting mountains or skiing at all?”

Customer: “That could be fun. Except I don’t like the cold.”

Me: “Well, places like the Pyrenees are in Spain, so it’s very hot at ground level and there’s lots to see.”

Customer: “What? No, mountains are cold. They have snow on.”

Me: “Yes, the peaks are colder because they are at a higher altitude.”

Customer: “The bottom bit is hot?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “…but I thought mountains only grew in cold places?”


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Here Today, Gone To Maui

, , , , , , | Right | April 23, 2010

Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [Travel Agency]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to get to Hawaii by Saturday.”

Me: “Okay, let me just see what flights are available.”

Caller: “Flights? As in flying? No way! I am terrified of flying! Can you look up some train tickets for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, Hawaii is in the middle of the Pacific ocean. There is no train service to Hawaii.”

Caller: “What? Hawaii is part of the United States, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. It is.”

Caller: “Then how can it be in the middle of the ocean? Fine, then, what about taking a boat?”

Me: ”Ma’am, there are cruise services to Hawaii, but I can assure you that the only way you are going to get to Hawaii by Saturday is by flying.”

Caller: “Well, what about those speed boats that drug users use from Cuba?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, those boats don’t have the ability to cross the ocean, and Cuba is only 90 miles from the United States.”

Caller: “90 miles? Sonny boy, Cuba is out in the middle of the ocean. Haven’t you ever looked at a map?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “Forget it, I’ll just call another travel agency that knows their history.”

Me: “Do you mean geography?”

Caller: *click*


This story is part of our Clueless Tourists roundup!

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On Shaky Ground With This One

, , , , | Right | January 18, 2010

(This happened shortly after a large, widely reported earthquake in Hawaii.)

Me: “How can I be of assistance today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m interested in traveling to the Big Island in Hawaii.”

Me: “Okay, and do you know which dates you want to travel on?”

Customer: “Oh. Um, well… when does earthquake season end?”


This story is part of our Customers Versus Mother Nature roundup!

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Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

, , , | Right | October 21, 2009

Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

Me: “All right, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

Me: “Uh… you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

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I’ll Go Where He’s Going

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2009

(This is back when people booked holidays with travel agents. I run a hotline for the sole purpose of ordering holiday brochures.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

(There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures.’ To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

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