On Shaky Ground With This One

, , , , | Right | January 18, 2010

(This happened shortly after a large, widely reported earthquake in Hawaii.)

Me: “How can I be of assistance today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m interested in traveling to the Big Island in Hawaii.”

Me: “Okay, and do you know which dates you want to travel on?”

Customer: “Oh. Um, well… when does earthquake season end?”

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Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

, , | Right | October 21, 2009

Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

Me: “All right, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

Me: “Uh… you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

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I’ll Go Where He’s Going

, , | Right | July 10, 2009

(This is back when people booked holidays with travel agents. I run a hotline for the sole purpose of ordering holiday brochures.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

(There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures.’ To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

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Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

| Right | February 24, 2009

(I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Listen, sweetie, I just want the phone number for [company].”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I just want the number for [company], so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in Hell.”

Me: “You know what? I’m okay with that.”

Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in Hell!”

Me: “Well, as long as Hell is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

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Do Not Doubt The Credibility Of The Map

, , | Right | January 30, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Travel, this is ****, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yes. You’re located in Alaska, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Is that near Hawaii?”

Me: “No, sir. Not at all.”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna talk to a manager. This map shows y’all are right next to each other, and I wanna know why one’s so dang hot and the other’s so dang cold.”

Me: “Sir, you’re actually reading the insets on a map of the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii are several thousand miles apart.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

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