Desist The Tourist Assist

, , , | Right | October 6, 2014

(I’m Indonesian and I live in an area where there are lots of tourists. Being Bali itself, there are barely any traffic laws enforced and lots of tourists tend to rent out scooters and treat them like toys. I’m turning into my favorite restaurant at a T-junction with no red light and my blinkers on, and today I felt like being extra cautious since the scooter I borrowed is my friend’s. I slow down and see a tourist and her son far away in the opposite direction but as I cross from the other side of the street, I see her actually speed up in her attempt to pass me when clearly there is a hump coming up. It’s rainy season so the roads are wet and of course when she tries to brake while going 40 miles/hour the bike violently slides. I am watching the whole thing since I have already parked my motorbike. Luckily no one was badly hurt.)

Me: “Are you all right, lady?”

Tourist: “This is your fault, you stupid girl! That was an illegal turn!”

Me: “Well, no, that wasn’t illegal. This is a two-way road.”

Tourist: “You apologize and you go pay for my bike!”

Me: “No, you were going too fast on rainy day. I had my blinkers on and clearly about to turn in. I saw you and you were far away.”

Tourist: “I don’t care! I have an international license!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean anything, especially when you drive like that! I’m sorry this happened though. I suggest you go to the mechanics. They’ll fix up the scratches and it’s really cheap. Don’t go to the place where you rented the bike or they’ll make you pay $100.”

Tourist: “So you admit it? It’s your fault!”

Me: “I meant sorry this had to happen to you, not sorry my bad. Lady, I did nothing wrong. In fact I was actually trying to help you out!”

Tourist: “No, this is your fault! You owe me money! YOU OWE ME MONEY!”

(I look at the bike, it’s brand new but with a few scratches because of the crash. While the argument just goes back and forth, her son is clearly huddled under a tree crying and also he was wearing NO helmet while riding on the back with his mother.)

Tourist: “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU OWE ME MONEY OR I’LL CALL THE COPS!”

Me: “Lady, go ahead. I’m not worried. But clearly the money seems more important to you than your son who could be injured.”

(She looks at her son who is in shock. She asks him if he’s all right and takes a second to check for any bleeding and then goes back to me.)

Me: “If you’d like I can point you towards the closest hospital or clinic.”

Tourist: “NO! You owe me money! You are just a stupid girl! I’m calling the cops! Give me your address, phone number, and the money!”

Me: “Lady, I have no money! Not on me and certainly not enough in the bank and if I did I wouldn’t give any of it to you! I’ve offered to go to the mechanics with you but I’m not paying a cent for your own negligence! I’m a painter, lady! I’m broke!”

Tourist: “Well, I’m broke, too!”

Me: “Right, you’re so broke you rented a brand new bike during your vacation in Bali. Here let me call the police for you.”

(At this point I decided to call my boyfriend’s mom, a cop who is head of the district we’re in. As I’m calling I began to tear up a bit from all the frustration. I wait on the phone for a good five minutes until the tourist gave up and asked me for my number to show her a good mechanic. And after that full hour of arguing, she didn’t even feel it important enough follow through on the mechanic BECAUSE SHE WAS LATE FOR A MASSAGE!)

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Mambo Italiano

| Romantic | August 27, 2014

(I’m on a trip with my university’s ‘ancient studies’ department to Italy. We’re taking a ferry from the Bay of Naples to Sicily. My friend and I spot a few cute Italian guys our age on board, and I take a liking to one in particular. We run into them later in the night and get chatting. The one I like (Guy #1) speaks the most English, which suits me just fine. Another guy (Guy #2) is being a bit more flirtatious.)

Guy #2: “You say you have a cabin?”

Me: “Yes, I share a cabin with someone else on our trip.”

Guy #2: “Is she there now?”

Me: “I think she’s at the dance party out on the deck. It’s okay, though. I can guard the room without her.”

Guy #2: “Would you like someone to stay with you until she comes back?”

Me: “Um, no, thanks.”

Guy #2: *points* “Would you like [Guy #3] to go back with you?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Guy #2: *points to himself* “Do you want ME to go back with you?”

Me: “No, grazie.”

(Suddenly, Guy #3 gets up and starts saying something very quickly in Italian that I don’t understand. Guy #1 covers his eyes with his hand and sighs.)

Me: “Sorry, what did he say?”

Guy #1: “He wants to sing and dance for you.”

Me: “Oh! Um, that’s okay. He doesn’t have to.”

Guy #1: *says something in Italian to Guy #3 that I roughly understand as ‘She says no. Sorry, man.’*

Guy #3: “No, no! I good dancer! Watch!”

Guy #1: *tells Guy #3 off in Italian again and gives me an apologetic smile* “Sorry about him…”

(My friend starts laughing and eventually convinces me to go find my cabin-mate. I bump into Guy #1 later and he gave me his number!)

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Demands Are In The Clouds

| Right | February 25, 2014

Customer: “I would like to send a pallet on an overnight service.”

Me: “That’s not a problem, sir; we can pick that up this afternoon.”

Customer: “I want it to go on the airplane.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. Due to the size of the item it will be traveling on the truck, but it will still get there for delivery tomorrow.”

Customer: “No. I want an air service, not road!”

Me: “Sir, we provide an overnight and off peak service. How it gets there is irrelevant. Your item will still be received tomorrow.”

Customer: “NO, I NEED IT THERE TOMORROW! IT HAS TO GO ON THE AIRPLANE!”

Me: “Sir, your item will not physically fit on the small aircraft we use, but it will have no problems getting to its destination overnight by road.”

Customer: “NO, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! I NEED IT THERE TOMORROW! IT HAS TO GO ON THE AIRPLANE!”

Me: “Sir, it WILL get there tomorrow. It will just be traveling by truck. Like I said before, we supply an overnight service. It gets there however it can for next day delivery.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT IT TO GO ON THE AIRPLANE SO IT GETS DELIVERED TOMORROW!”

Me: *head desk*

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An Honest Train Of Thought

| Working | February 8, 2014

(Trains in the UK are at a standstill due to snow. Note: it’s 7 am on a Friday. A regular passenger that I often joke with comes in.)

Passenger: “How’s the service today?”

Me: *looks around to make sure nobody can hear me* “It’s f***ed! Go back home to bed.”

Passenger: “Awesome! See you Monday!”

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A Novel Way To Change The Subject

| Related | October 11, 2013

(I am on a ferry, reading a very large omnibus edition of the comic ‘Echo.’)

Aunt: “What are you reading?”

Me: “Well, this woman here witnessed a military accident, and she sort of gets superpowers. The government is trying to track her down.”

Aunt: “Oh, neat.”

(I turn to the next page, which features a different character.)

Aunt: “Wait, is that her? She looks different.”

Me: “No, that’s someone else.”

Aunt: “Oh, so the first story is over and now it’s another one.?”

Me: “…no, it’s the same story; it’s just a different character now.”

Aunt: “What?”

Me: “The panel is just focussing on someone else. It’s still the same story.”

Aunt: “Oh, I get it; it’s a flashback.”

Me: “No. The first character’s name is Julie. This is Ivy.”

Aunt: “Well, what happened to Julie?”

Me: “You know how in a movie, the camera won’t always be looking right at the main character, and we’ll sometimes go see other characters and what they’re doing? It’s like that.”

Aunt: “Is that what makes it a graphic novel instead of a comic book?”

(To this day, I am not sure whether she was genuinely uncertain about the topic, or whether she wanted me to put the book down and talk to her about school, which is what I ended up doing.)

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