I am going through new employee orientation at a big box retail store:
Trainer: “If a customer ever walks up to and says, ‘I’m looking for a fire extinguisher,’ you might think the smart thing is to ask them what kind, but no, your first question is always, and I mean ALWAYS, ‘how urgently?'”
I worked at the Golden Arches when I was sixteen (late 1980s). On my first day, I’m training in the grill area when someone shouts out from the drive-thru.
Drive Thru Coworker: “Lunch truck guy!”
A group of guys around me, all working different sections of the kitchen, all shout out in some pre-arranged order:
Coworker #1: “Lunch truck guy!”
Coworker #2: “Lunch truck guy!”
Coworker #3: “Lunch truck guy!”
Me: *To my trainer.* “What’s going on?”
Trainer: “You’ll see. Listen in at the drive-thru.”
A customer (Lunch Truck Guy) has pulled up to the drive-thru and starts ordering:
Lunch Truck Guy: “Hundred burgers. Fifty plain, fifty with cheese.”
I look at my trainer, and I mouth “WTF?” My trainer just nods. The kitchen starts making the order for the guy, who has pulled around into the parking lot to wait without being told to; he’s evidently done this before.
Trainer: “That’s lunch truck guy. Whenever he comes in, he gets the forty-nine-cent burger and fifty-nine-cent cheeseburger, and sells them for like two to three bucks a piece to his customers at his lunch truck.”
Me: “Is that… legal?”
Trainer: “How much you getting per hour?”
Me: “$3.35.”
Trainer: “You care enough?”
Me: “Not really?”
Trainer: “Then less yapping, and more grilling!”
We get to work making the burgers.
Coworker #1: “If he sells fifty burgers a day at two bucks that cost him forty-nine cents, and he sells fifty cheeseburgers a day at three bucks that cost him fifty-nine cents, then how much is he makin’ off of us?”
Coworker #2: “This is the guy that they talked about in math class…”
I’m training at a tech support call center.
Trainer: “The technical knowledge is one thing… but the ability to sound professional when given reasons to lose hope for the human race dozens of times a day is another.”
Me: “The callers can’t be that bad, surely?”
Trainer: “You see all the script books we gave you to read from to deal with all the calls?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Trainer: “Every single one starts with the same question. Flip to any one, doesn’t matter which, and read out the first line.”
Me: “Is the computer plugged in and turned on?”
Trainer: “That solves about 90% of the “my computer’s not working” questions.”
Whole Class: “…oh.”
A couple of decades ago, I was listening in to an older coworker on the customer assistance line, learning the ropes as a fresh-out-of-high-school retail worker.
Caller: “Where the f*** is my mattress! It was supposed to be here today!”
Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re estimating a delay of two days due to the heavy snowstorm in your area.”
Caller: “I know there’s a snowstorm, d*** it! I got windows! I already went to work today, and if I can drive out in that, then so can your d**** delivery driver!”
Coworker: “You might be able to drive around your town, sir, but the highways are currently closed, so—”
Caller: “—maybe I’ll come down there with my gun, and then we’ll see how soon I get my mattress.”
My coworker pauses a moment, but looks perfectly calm.
Coworker: “I will see what I can do, sir.”
Caller: “Now that sounds more like it.”
The call ends, and I speak in a shocked tone.
Me: “How were you able to remain so calm! He just threatened you!”
Coworker: “I have a son who’s a senior officer with the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police). Guess what my next call is gonna be…”
The next day, that caller was arrested for uttering threats at his place of work.
He was a university professor fresh out of grad school, and the arresting officer was my coworker’s son, who made sure he was arrested in front of the dean of his faculty, cuffed, and did the perp walk through the campus and was made to take the long route.
He was kicked out of the University and never taught again.
I’m a new hire in the office. After years of retail, it’s nice to finally get an office job.
Boss: “This is [Coworker]. He’s going to train you on how to use the software.”
Me: “Thanks!”
I sit down with the coworker, and he notices the thick binder I am carrying around with me.
Coworker: “Is that the guidebook they gave you at training?”
Me: “Yeah, they said I would need it when learning about the software.”
Coworker: “Can I check it real quick? I need to remember what the real rules are, and which ones we as an office created out of trauma…”
I wordlessly handed the binder over to him. I went to get a snack after he spent ten minutes browsing it, saying:
Coworker: “We don’t do that… we’ve never done that… legally we’re supposed to do this, but nope… haha, they wish we did that…”
