After Math You Have Double Murder

| Learning | May 2, 2017

(I go to a special trade school for computer programming. I have a friend there, and we have some… odd interactions, to say the least.)

Friend: *turning to me, and making the “Imagination arc” from SpongeBob with her hands* “Homicide!”

Me: *returning the exact same gesture* “Double Homicide! Gasp! What does it mean?!”

(We both then went back to individually reading our books without any further comment.)

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Losing Their Religion

| Learning | March 10, 2017

(In this part of Germany it’s mandatory for students to attend either religion or ethics classes as long as they are in school. However, as the trade school for this specific profession is very small it does not offer ethics classes. As this is the case I — alongside with three other students unaffiliated with any religion, a Muslim and a Greek-orthodox student — am assigned to attend Lutheran religion classes as the syllabus focuses mostly on ethics. Nevertheless, in our first lesson we decide to make the teacher aware that six of the 18 students are not, in fact, Lutheran. He assures us that this won’t be a problem; he’s sympathetic to our situation and no knowledge of Lutheran or Christian religion will be necessary for this class. Skip forward a few weeks to our first test and are taken aback:)

Question #1: “Explain the Paschal Triduum!”

Question #2: “What’s the function of the German Evangelical Church Assembly?”

Question #3: “Name the angels of the first sphere in Christian theology!”

(Needless to say, we went to the principal and, however they managed to do it, religion class was no longer mandatory for us six students.)

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Getting Straight To The Point

| Learning | June 16, 2016

(While casually conversing with my classmates after class, the subject of homosexuality somehow came up.)

Classmate: “You know, I don’t have a problem with gays, just as long as they’re not near me.”

Me: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Classmate: “If gays want to be gay with each other, that’s cool with me, but I just don’t want them acting gay towards me.”

Me: “Towards… you?”

Classmate: “Well, I don’t want them hitting on me just because I’m a dude. I don’t swing that way.”

Me: “What makes you think that would happen?”

Classmate: “They’re into men, right? Well, I’m a man, which means I’m a target.”

Me: “So, just because they like guys, you’re afraid that they’re going to come after you? Tell me, how many straight girls have randomly flirted with you?”

Classmate: “Huh?”

Me: “According to your logic, you’re worried that someone might hit on you because they like guys. Straight girls like guys, too. How many straight girls have you been victim to?”

(There is a momentary pause where he finally understands what I’m trying to say.)

Classmate: “Oh, I get it now! I guess I was worrying over nothing at all!”

(I’ve dealt with several homophobes in my life, but this was the easiest fix I’ve ever done!)

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Building Up An Immunity To Learning

| Learning | June 2, 2016

Student #1: *sneezes*

Teacher: “Gesundheit!”

Student #2: “I didn’t sneeze at all today.”

Teacher: “You’re making progress. You’re not allergic to your teacher any longer.”

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Certificate Of Zombification

| Learning | May 30, 2016

(We’re translating a text about weddings from French into German, when we stumble upon the word for “marriage certificate.”)

Teacher: “You don’t sign a death certificate, don’t you? Well, some do.”

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