Customer: “I have a complaint about this ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toy.”

Me: “Go ahead.”

Customer: “I saw a few videos online that it’s really a “Tickle Me Emo”! How dare you try to teach kids to be emo!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those videos are fake and were created just for a laugh. That is a Tickle Me Elmo and it’s completely appropriate for kids.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *a few seconds later* “So, where can I find a ‘Tickle Me Emo’?”

This story is part of the Hypocritical Customers roundup!

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Read the Hypocritical Customers roundup!

(I work in a toy store where customers can custom-build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

Me: “Welcome to [Toy Store]. Have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

Little Girl: “Yes!”

(We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, you want to get the ‘I love you’ button put in today?”

Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

Little Girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says ‘I love you’!”

Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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(At the front of our store is a bin full of loose fantasy figurines.  One night, two pre-teen boys come in and start rounding up all the fairy princesses they can find, naming each one after adult film actresses. They proceed to stage some pretty graphic stuff with the toys, complete with language and racial slurs.)

Me: “You kids drop those toys, right now! This is a family store, you got it? You either clean your language up or get out of here. NOW!”

(The boys stare at me open-mouthed. One of them squeaks, “Yes, ma’am,” and they both drop the toys and run.)

Coworker:  “Wow! Way to go!”

Me:  “Yeah, you don’t mess with the Toy Store Amazon.”

Customer: “Hi, do you sell stuff from the Watchmen movie?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. Since the movie was rated R, there are no licensed Watchmen products marketed to children.”

Customer: “Well, do you know where I can find Watchmen stuff?”

Me: “Do you have something that you’re looking for in particular?”

Customer: “Well, my son’s school is having a superhero-themed day where all the kids are supposed to come to school in costume. My son wanted to go as Dr. Manhattan.”

Me: “Dr. Manhattan? Ma’am, do you know anything about him?”

Customer: “I know that he’s blue. Don’t you have anything at all?”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, Dr. Manhattan walks around completely naked. Part of the reason the movie is rated R is because you see… everything… when he’s on-screen.”

Customer: “Uh-huh. Do you think [Other Store] sells Watchmen stuff?”

Me: *giving up* “I’m sure it would be worth a shot…”

This story is part of our “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

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Read the “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

Customer: *completely stoned* “Hey, what’s your cheapest thing in the store?”

Me: “That’d probably be these miniature whoopee cushions. They’re a dollar apiece. There are three on the shelf behind you.”

Customer: “I’ll take all of them!”

(As I’m finishing the transaction, a mother comes in with a young boy in tow.)

Customer: “Hey, guys! Look what I just got!” *shows them the whoopee cushions*

Mother: *obviously uncomfortable* “Um… that’s very… nice, I guess?”

Customer: “Do you want one?”

Mother: “Oh, no; no, thank you. We were just–”

Customer: “C’mon, I have three of them! What do I need three for?”

(He shoved a whoopee cushion into the mother’s hands and wandered off happily.)