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Matrix’R’Us

| Right | June 21, 2012

(A customer approaches the counter with two sets of toys that build alien robots.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Are you all set to check out?”

Customer: “Look, I know that one of these robots is evil, and I need you to tell me which one it is. I ain’t bringin’ no evil into my grandson’s house!”

Me: “Well, I can assure you, ma’am, that none of the toys we sell are ev—”

Customer: “Look, I know you’re supposed to say that. But I know you know which one of these is evil, and you are gonna tell me right now before I leave this store!”

Me: “Uh…just don’t buy the red one.”

(She hands me the blue one and gives me a knowing nod of approval.)

Customer: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell nobody you told me!”

Not As Easy As A-B-C

| Right | May 7, 2012

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a question about this tin radio.”

Me: “Sure! What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well, it says it plays the ABC song, but it doesn’t.”

Me: “Oh, you just have to turn this knob and it plays until it winds down.”

Customer: “Yeah, but it doesn’t play the ABC Song! It plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!

Me: “Well, they’re the same melody. See?” *sings the first line of both songs*

Customer: “No, listen!”

(She winds up the radio enough for it to play the whole song; there are a few embellishments towards the end.)

Customer: “See?! That’s not how the ABC song goes!”

Customer’s Husband: “Maybe they just play it differently.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not the way I sing it!”

They Are Not The Toys You Are Looking For

| Right | April 30, 2012

(A woman calls into the store. She’s speaking very quietly and I have to ask her several times to repeat herself. Finally I make out something.)

Woman: “Do you sell vibrators?”

Me: *pause* “Um, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you again to repeat what you said. I really don’t think we sell what I think you said.”

Woman: “Vibrators.”

Me: “No. No, we don’t.”

Woman: “Isn’t this The Love Shop?”

Me: “No, ma’am, this is Toys-R-Us.”

Future Budget Oversight Leaders Of America

| Right | April 5, 2012

(I overhear a little boy around five years old asking his mother for lots of expensive toys.)

Mother: “We can’t afford six. Just pick one and put the rest back.”

Boy: “Just tell daddy to stop drinking beer this month!”

Not Quite As Provocative As I Recall

, , , , , | Right | February 1, 2012

(It is 6:00 am on Black Friday. There is a queue waiting to come into the store as soon as I lift the gate. Once the gate goes up, the crowd surges into the store. Immediately, a customer pushes his way through the crowd and begins shouting to me.)

Customer: *shouting* “Where are your ‘Touch Me, Big Guy’ toys?!”

(Overhearing this, everyone in earshot goes silent.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think we carry that toy.”

Customer: “Of course you do! It is really popular this year! You rub and squeeze the toy’s stomach and it giggles in happiness! You know ‘Touch me, Big Guy’!”

Me: “You don’t mean ‘Tickle Me Elmo’, do you?”

Customer: “Is that what it is called?”

(The crowd begins making noise again.)

Customer: “I suppose you might be wondering what Christmas is like at my house.”

Me: “No, sir, not in the slightest.”


This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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