Doesn’t Snow What She’s Talking About

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Working | February 17, 2015

(I work in Los Angeles. Washington D.C. is being hit by a big snowstorm. The company I am working for needs an updated student visa form for one of our clients that is coming in five weeks, and the form is not available online. I send an e-mail to the visa agent, explaining the situation, but I add that I understand the reply would be delayed because of the snowstorm and to send it at their earliest convenience. Three weeks pass with no reply. I send a follow-up e-mail and call them two times, with the same results. My bosses are getting on my case, so I call for the third time and the agent finally picks up:)

Me: “Hi. I am calling regarding about the visa for [Client] from [Company]. I understand that you guys had a snowstorm, but it has been three weeks and it is very urgent.”

Visa Agent:*sighs with a condescending tone* “Yes. I saw your e-mail.”

(I ignore it, trying to be civil.)

Me: “Great! I thought it got lost in cyberspace. Would it be possible for you to send us the updated visa sometime today?”

Visa Agent: *continuing on with her tone* “You know, we did have a big snowstorm a few weeks ago.”

Me: “And I appreciate your time in helping us when you are busy catching-up because of the storm.”

Visa Agent: “Look. I know you are from LA, so you wouldn’t understand this whole concept of snow or snowstorms and how it causes delays and—”

Me: “Ma’am, let me stop you right there. I grew up in a suburb of Chicago and got my undergrad in Colorado. So please, enlighten me about this whole concept of snow and snowstorms and how it causes delays, while I wait for you to send the updated visa to me.”

Visa Agent: …I will send it to you right away.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(After we hung up I received the visa within five minutes.)

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Getting Confused With A Devourer Of Snakes

| WV, USA | Related | January 20, 2015

(We stop at a rest stop/visitor center that happens to have a live snake show going on to teach people about poisonous snakes in the area. I sacrifice my own squeamishness to show my two-year-old son, the snakes.)

Me: “This is a snake. Can you say snake?”

Son: “Skank.”

Me: “No, [Son], SNAKE.”

Son: SKANK!”

Me: “Ssssnnnaaaakkkkeee.”

Son: “Skank, skank, skank!”

(And he continued to say it the rest of the trip.)

Welsh Excuse Me

| Wales, UK | Right | January 5, 2015


Me: “Sir, please don’t shout. The town names around here are in Welsh, because you’re in Wales. I’m sorry if this offends you.”

Customer: “It’s not just offensive. It’s f***ing stupid!”

Me: “Sir, please don’t swear. The town names are part of our unique history. They tell us about our heritage.

Customer: Well your heritage f***ing sucks.

Me: Sir, can I actually help you with anything, or did you just come here to tell us that you don’t like Wales?

Customer: You all need to be more English. *leaves*

Coworker: Well… at least you didn’t need to ask him to leave!

Tourists From The Land Of Irony

| Wales, UK | Right | December 17, 2014

(Wales is currently enjoying a heat wave; temperatures in our popular beach resort have averaged about 28°C (about 82°F) for nearly a fortnight and the town and beach are completely packed out with holidaymakers and day-trippers.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to complain.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; what’s the problem?”

Customer: “There’s too many tourists.”

Me: “Oh, well you can blame Mr. Sunshine for that; it’s been packed to capacity here since the schools broke up for summer. Everyone wants a splash in the sea!”

Customer: “Yeah, I know. I mean, that’s why we came. We drove down for the day from [Major Midland City]. We just didn’t think it would be busy.”

Me: “You didn’t think the first Saturday of the school holidays that is also the hottest day of the year so far for Wales would cause [Town] to become busy?”

Customer: “Well… no.”

Me: “I’m sorry you aren’t happy but there isn’t a lot I can do from here.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not fair. I’ve spent £40 filling my car with petrol and had to sit in queues of traffic. I want an empty beach!”

Me: “Well, there’s quieter beaches than [Town]. Since you have a car maybe you could drive to [Nearby Beach] or [Other Nearby Beach]. Those are accessed over sand dunes so a lot of people don’t go there.”

Customer: “So now you’re telling me I’ve wasted £3.50 on an all-day parking ticket?”

Me: “Well, if you want to stay in [Town] then you can. If you want to go to a quieter beach and come back to [Town] for food then your ticket will still be valid.”

Customer: “Hrrmph. I suppose so. I wish you wouldn’t let tourists here though. It spoils it.”

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Not Quite A Navy Seal

| ME, USA | Romantic | November 17, 2014

(My husband and I are kayaking in Maine. My husband is not what you would call an outdoorsman.)

Me: “Oh, look! Seals! Look!”

(There are about 20 seals that have just appeared and are swimming along with us and being extremely cute.)

Me: “This is so great. Isn’t this awesome?”

(I look back at him, to find that he looks extremely anxious.)

Husband: “We should probably get back to shore, right?”

Me: “Why? This is amazing!”

Husband: “What if they try to knock us out?”

Me: “What? Why would they do that?”

Husband: “To eat us!”

Me: “…babe, seals don’t do that. Seals don’t eat people.”

Husband: “Well, maybe these ones do. Maybe they’ve gone carnivorous.”

Me: “They’re already carnivorous. They eat fish. They’re not going to hurt you, they’re just curious and looking at us. Oh, look, a baby one!”

Husband: “Well, what if they got the taste for mammal blood somehow?”

(Long pause while I consider what he’s just said.)

Me: “Honey, are you scared of the seals because you’ve subconsciously internalized a subplot from Arrested Development?”

(Another long pause.)

Husband: “Maybe.”

(We stayed out with the seals for another hour. They did not try to eat us.)

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