I am giving an English-speaking tour of the Colosseum to a bunch of tourists.

Tourist: “Why didn’t the Romans build a parking lot for the Colosseum?”

I laugh, thinking she’s joking.

Tourist: “Look, I’m not an idiot, I know they didn’t have cars back then and stuff, but they had horse and carriages, right? My husband and I tried to find parking to be here today, and it was really tough finding a spot! Those Romans should have thought of that!”

Me: “Uh, well, this is an ancient historical site, so there’s not much opportunity to forward a complaint to the original designers.”

Tourist: “This is why America is better. We have no issue tearing something down to make it better.”

I look at the rest of her tour group for a sign – any sign – that she’s joking. Alas… she is not.

I’m serving a table of American tourists. I’m handing out the menus, and they don’t even look at them before asking:

Customer: “Is this menu in Canadian or American?”

Me: “Those prices are in Canadian dollars, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, not the prices, the language. Is it Canadian or American?”

Me: “The menu is in English, ma’am.”

Customer: “Do you have one in American?”

I take the menus away from the table and return with the exact same ones.

Customer: *Actually looking at the menu this time.* “Ah, much better! I can read this one!”

I’m doing my patrol in Yosemite National Park, and come upon some tourists arriving at Glacier Point, easily one of the best views in the whole park.

Visitor: “Wow! That’s an amazing view!”

Me: “Sure is!”

Visitor: “So this is the Grand Canyon!”

I just… kept on patrolling.

I’m explaining an itinerary for a European trip that a customer is interested in booking.

Me: “And then the Normandy tour continues to Omaha Beach.”

Customer: “Omaha has a beach?”

Me: “Uh, no. Omaha Beach is a beach in Normandy that played a big part in World War 2. There’s a big historical monument there, and—”

Customer: “—I’ve been to Omaha, and there’s no beach!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I’m not talking about the city of Omaha in Nebraska. This is part of the European tour, remember? I’m talking about France.”

Customer: “Well, tell France to stop copying us!”

Me: “…anyway, after that you visit the—”

Customer: “—Do we go to Pearl Harbor on this trip?”

I think I am being trolled at this point, but nothing in her behavior indicates this.

Me: “Pearl Harbor is in Hawaii, ma’am. This is a European tour, remember?”

Customer: “Oh. Well, you mentioned World War 2, and I know Pearl Harbor was that.”

Me: “World War 2, as implied by the name, was fought all over the world, ma’am. It happened in Europe as well as Hawaii.”

Customer: “That’s the one that the Japanese bombed, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Did they bomb Boston harbor?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “…”

The rest of the conversation was like this. She did not book the trip.

I’m on a boat tour off the coast of Toronto, and overhear the following:

Tour Guide: “Fun fact! Did you know that the Great Lakes hold 21% of the entire planet’s supply of fresh surface water?”

Tourist: “Fresh?”

Tour Guide: “Yes! As in, not saltwater.”

Tourist: “All this water?” *Gesturing to the lake.*

Tour Guide: “Yes, this is all freshwater.”

Tourist: “Naw, this can’t be fresh water, man. It’s been sitting out here too long.”