They Seem To Exist On A Separate Temporal Plane

, , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(There has been a string of cancellations that affect a bunch of flights. Most of us have been already bumped 2-3 times. In order to make amends, the supervisor prints some vouchers for future travel for everyone due to the delays.)

Agent: “Sorry for the inconvenience. Here’s your voucher, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t want a voucher; I want to go home. What is the problem with the plane?”

Agent: “Sir, the plane had a mechanical problem and we want to make sure that it is okay before taking off.”

Customer: *goes on futile circular tirade about the plane* “Clearly you aren’t charging me enough for this flight if you can’t afford to keep the planes properly repaired and running on time. I need to get home to my wife and kids. And I want to be home at the time I paid to be home.”

Agent: “Considering it’s already past the time your flight would have arrived, there’s nothing I can do about that, but I can offer you this voucher as a gesture of goodwill.”

Customer: “Just give me my voucher.” *storms off*

(Everyone at the desk rolls their eyes.)

Me: “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to invent a time machine.”

Agent: “H***, if I had one, I’d be the one using it!”

Their Gift Wrapping Can Only Be Opened By Their Sharp Wit

, , , , | Related | December 20, 2017

(My mom and I are about to fly from California to London to spend Christmas with some friends. It will be her first time visiting the United Kingdom.)

Mom: “Do they have gift wrapping over there? My presents aren’t wrapped.”

Me: “Did you just ask me if they have gift wrapping paper in London?! It’s the United Kingdom; they’re not cave dwellers.”

Mom: “I don’t know. British gift wrapping paper could be different.”

Me: “Actually, you know what? Yeah, you’re right. The British gift wrapping paper will only wrap properly around British produced or purchased objects.”

Mom: “Shut up!”

Last Flight To Mordor Now Departing From Gate Bree

, , , , , | Friendly | December 18, 2017

(The other day I was driving in my car, listening to an interview on the radio. The interviewer was talking to a singer who was coming to perform in New Zealand. I can’t remember who she was, but I will never forget the interview:)

Singer: “Now, who am I talking to here? Is this Australia or New Zealand?”

Radio Host: “You’re talking to New Zealand, and we’re looking forward to you coming out here!”

Singer: “New Zealand! Oh, my. I can’t wait to visit. I have never been before, and I won’t have much time, but I’m determined to see an orc.”

Radio Host: “A… I’m sorry, an orc?”

Singer: “Obviously it would have to be in captivity. I wouldn’t want to run across one in the wild!”

Radio Host: *playing along* “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but orcs are extinct.”

Singer: “Awww, really? That’s so disappointing! You don’t have any, not even in captivity?”

Radio Host: “No, we wiped them out. They weren’t very nice. Sorry.”

Singer: “Well, that’s a shame. Can you still visit parts of Middle Earth?”

Radio Host: “That you can do. Make sure you include Hobbiton on your tour!”

(After that, the host changed the subject to the singer’s latest album. But she was so sincere about the orcs, and sounded so truly disappointed to find out she would not be able to see one, that I’m not sure to this day whether she was kidding or not!)

Blowing Nothing But Hot Air

, , , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I am an apprentice glassblower, learning under a master artisan who has been in the business for over 30 years. One day, I’m working on a piece while my boss works with tourists, answering questions and explaining what I am doing.)

Tourist: *to me* “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Boss: “I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have! He’s working on a time-sensitive piece.”

Tourist: “Uh, no. Excuse me! Excuse me!”

Boss: “Really, please don’t interrupt him. I’m more than happy to answer any questions.”

(The tourist is quiet for a minute, and then starts climbing over the railing to get to me. My boss grabs him back, and I abandon the piece I’m working on to get on the phone to security.)

Tourist: “I just wanted to ask a question, and I knew that old guy wouldn’t know! Is that so hard?”

Me: “What the h*** could you have to ask?”

Tourist: *pointing* “Is that fire hot?”

Poor Megan…

, , , , | Working | December 15, 2017

(We just got off a tour of a zoo.)

Driver/Guide: “Thank you for coming to [Zoo]. If you liked the tour, my name is [Name]. If you didn’t, my name is Megan, and get off my bus.”

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