A friend of a friend turned out to be some sexist, red-pilled misogynist “bro”, so he didn’t last in the group for very long, but it did give us this conversational gem when we were all hanging out one time.

Male Friend: *Showing us some travel photos.* “Here we are on the plane. The pilot came out and hung out with some passengers for a while.”

Me: “That’s kinda cool.”

Misogynist Bro: “That’s a female.”

Male Friend: “That is a woman, yes.”

Misogynist Bro: “Women shouldn’t be pilots.”

Female Friend: “Oh, f*** off, [Misogynist Bro].”

Misogynist Bro: “Calm down. I’m just saying men are naturally more attuned to being pilots. I wouldn’t trust a female pilot.”

Female Friend: “Natural?! Do you hear yourself! A plane is what’s doing the flying, and there’s nothing natural about it! The gender of the person piloting it doesn’t matter!”

Misogynist Bro: “It’s all about the understanding of aerodynamics.”

Female Friend: “Well, since we’re talking about all things natural, there’s a certain part of the male anatomy that makes it much less aerodynamic than a woman! It’s also the part of the anatomy I’m thinking of when I look at you, [Misogynist Bro].”

Misogynist Bro: “…huh?”

Male Friend: “She’s calling you a d***, dude.”

We never saw him again after that.

A tourist couple who have been staying with us for a few days already are walking into the lobby around 5 PM.

Guest #1: “Can we have dinner brought to our rooms tonight? We’re just too tired for anything else.”

Me: “Of course! Have you had a good day?”

Guest #2: “No! We went to Auschwitz!”

Me: “Ooh, yeah, that can take an emotional toll.”

Guest #1: “It was just so… sad!”

Guest #2: “And worst of all, they didn’t even have a gift shop!”

Yup… that’s the worst thing about that place.

Our cruise has just passed the halfway mark, so we’re returning to Florida the same way we came. I’m greeting passengers as they enter the restaurant for breakfast.

Me: “Good morning, [Passenger]! Would you like your regular table?”

Passenger: “Sure, I’d love to—hey! What gives! You changed it!”

Me: “Changed what, sir?”

Passenger: “I liked that table because it gets the sunrise! But now the sunrise is on the other side of the ship!”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’ve turned around since yesterday, so—”

Passenger: “Put it back!”

Me: “Put what back, sir?”

Passenger: “The sun! I want the sunrise at that table!”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir. However, if you want to enjoy the sunrise, you can take a table on the other side of the restaurant. I can get you a table—”

Passenger: “No! I want that table! And I want the sunrise!”

Me: “As I said, I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir.”

Passenger: “This is terrible customer service! I’m going to complain to Guest Services!”

Me: “You are welcome to do that, sir.” 

I know someone in Guest Services, and told them that later on today they were likely to get “a real doozy” and that they should practise their explanations as to why [Cruise Company] cannot control the literal sun.

This story reminded me of something that happened in 2015 when I was a teenager. Naturally, given the length of time between then and now, the conversation is paraphrased, not verbatim.

My mum is a notorious penny pincher, insisting that cheaper, older options are just as good as more expensive, newer versions of everything from computers to toothpaste. Sometimes I agree with her, but other times I’m convinced she’s deluding herself because she’d rather “save” money by buying something useless than spend more on something actually useful. This is one of those times.

As a teenager, I was preparing to spend six months in Frankfurt Am Main, Germany, as an au pair – essentially a live-in nanny for a family with two children. Having never been to Germany before, my mum goes out and buys a guidebook to the city so I can check out popular attractions and the like on my days off. 

She gives it to me a few days before I’m due to leave and in the throes of panic-packing, so at the time, I just chuck it into a suitcase without looking at it. A few days after arriving in Germany, we have a video call to talk about how I’m settling in.

Mum: “How are you finding it so far? Is the guidebook useful to you?”

Me: *Trying to be tactful.* “Well, I had a look through it, but I think it might be a little outdated, so I’ll probably just use the internet to look up museums and such nearby.”

Mum: “Why would you do that? The guidebook has plenty of information. I looked through it myself, and it has lists of highly rated restaurants, places that play live music, art museums, parks, and more!”

Me: *Still trying to be tactful.* “Yeah, I saw those, but I really think the internet will have more up-to-date information. Plus, there are a lot of pop-up restaurants these days that aren’t in guidebooks, and I like to just wander around and find things for myself too.”

Mum: “[My Name], why are you so ungrateful? I spent good money on that guidebook; there’s no reason to turn your nose up at it just because it’s not a website. I know you think you’re too cool to use stuff your mum gets you, but you don’t have to be rude about it.”

Me: “For god’s sake, you know I don’t care about being cool. I don’t want to use it because it’s so old it’s still referring to East and West Germany! The restaurant section is broken into subsections based on how expensive it is to eat there in Deutschemarks!”

Mum: *After a very long pause.* “…well, there’s no need to be rude about it.”

I’ve just finished giving a safety presentation to the tourist group who are going to go up in a tandem skydive.

Me: “So, any last-minute questions before we start going over the equipment?”

Tourist: “Does the plane stop for us to get out?”

I almost laugh, but hold it in just in time. One of the professional tandem skydivers has a better answer than anything I could come up with:

Skydiver: “If the plane stops, then it becomes a group dive.”