I was in Ibiza, twelve days into a two-week break. I am a swarthy Englishman and my holiday had given me quite a decent tan. I usually get spoken to by indigenous people; however, like most Brits, I don’t speak any Spanish much beyond “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Four beers, please.”

One day, I was on the beach and two (old) Brits approached me and gestured toward the rentable pedal boats.

Man: “How much are the pedalos?”

This caused great amusement amongst my friends.

Me: *In English* “Sorry, I can’t speak English.”

He responded by asking several more times in an increasingly louder and more aggressive voice. He eventually asked:

Man: “Why be a vendor in a tourist area if you don’t speak f****** English?!”

Me: *In English* “Why are you being rude and not attempting to speak the local language?”

He eventually stomped off, muttering to his wife, not realising I spoke to him in English THE WHOLE TIME!

Twenty years on, my friends still sidle up to me and ask, “How much are the pedalos?”

I work at a tourist site in Alaska at an information desk.

Tourist: “What time do the northern lights come on?”

Me: “Well… they don’t come ‘on’ like a light switch. It’s dependent on lots of conditions, such as—”

Tourist: “Where does the sun go when it sets?”

I’m thrown by the sudden change in query.

Me: “Same as it goes anywhere else: beyond the horizon.”

Tourist: “I thought it would be different up here.”

Me: “No, same sun as what you have back at home.” 

Tourist: “Oh… Do you take American money?”

I am selling tickets on the waterfront at a touristy island town. One of the activities we offer are glass floor boat rides so tourists can see marine wildlife without needing to get wet. I am explaining this to a tourist who is looking to book for his family and himself. 

Tourist: “So, did y’all hear about the Titanic?” 

Me: “The ship?” 

Tourist: “Yeah, its coordinates are on Google Maps now. Could we, like, see the wreckage from the boat?”

Me: “Sir, the wreckage is thousands of miles from here! And even if it weren’t, I believe it is some thousands of meters below the surface. Even in clear waters, you wouldn’t be able to see more than thirty meters clearly from the glass boats.”

The tourist slips me a US five-dollar bill.

Tourist: “Would this help make it happen?”

Me: “Sir, I just explained that it is physically impossible to see the Titanic wreckage from a glass floor boat in Bermuda. A…”

I look at the pitiful amount and don’t consider it enough to be even called a bribe.

Me: “…donation is not going to change that.”

Tourist: *Putting down another five* “How about now?”

My manager has now noticed what is happening and rushes over.

Manager: “Sir… my employee has explained the scientific and geographical reasons as to why what you want is impossible. Your continued expectation that money will overcome said reasons tells me that we’re unlikely to be able to give you what you want on this excursion.”

Tourist: *Putting down yet another five* “How about now?”

Manager: “Sir… either purchase an activity that we do offer or please leave. I’m beginning to think you’re not listening to what we are saying.”

Amazingly, the tourist puts down yet another five. 

Tourist: “How about now?” 

Manager: “Sir… the Titanic is not currently available for viewing because the water is too murky today.”

Tourist: “Ugh… why didn’t you just say so?!”

He grabs his “donations” and storms off back to his waiting family. 

Me: “Technically, I did!”

You’d think after all those explanations, the tourist would get it. We’ve got even crazier examples with these 10 Hilarious Times That Retail Workers Literally Could Not Explain It Any Simpler…

I am working at a tourist information centre in a touristy part of central London. A family approaches me. They speak with a US American accent; I mention this only to point out that there is no language barrier at all during this interaction.

Tourist: “I think some of the signs around here are wrong!”

Me: “What is the issue you’re having, sir?”

Tourist: “This road sign here says ‘London Bridge’, but it’s the wrong bridge! London Bridge is over thataway!”

The tourist points to the actual London Bridge, which is an arguably ugly concrete construction from 1973, and then over in the direction of Tower Bridge, which is the “famous bridge” with the ornate towers and iconic design. A lot of tourists seem to think that this is London Bridge, though. Thanks, Fergie.

I explain this common mix-up to the tourist.

Tourist: “Wait. So, that’s not London Bridge?”

Me: “That’s right; that’s Tower Bridge.”

Tourist: “But we wanted to see London Bridge!”

Me: “Well, congratulations: you’re next to it.”

Tourist: “But… where is it?”

Me: “It’s… right there.”

I point again to the actual London Bridge. I admit that it’s a little underwhelming compared to Tower Bridge, but it’s still very much visible!

Tourist: “Where?”

Me: “That bridge, right… there.”

Tourist: “I still don’t see it.”

Me: “Do you see the thousands of people crossing the river at this very moment?”

Tourist: “Yes.”

Me: “That’s it. That’s London Bridge.”

The tourist looks at the bridge, then at me, then at the bridge, and then at me.

Tourist: “But I can’t see London Bridge.”

Suddenly, the tourist’s wife whispers something to him.

Tourist: *To me* “Oh, is that because London Bridge has fallen down?”

Me: “…yes. That is why.”

Tourist: “Figures we’d miss it!”

It’s easy for tourists to get turned around in a new place, but please listen to the locals when they’re trying to help you! To be fair, these 13 More Cringe-Worthy Stories About Tourists Who Have Absolutely No Clue don’t fair much better!

I am working at the information desk at a popular tourist site. A group of tourists from the USA approaches me. The leader of the group talks very slowly and loudly.

Tourist: “Is… this… the… way… to… the… museum?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

Tourist: “Oh, good! You speak English!”

Me: “Yes, sir. This is England.”

Tourist: “I’m so surprised everyone here speaks such good English!”

Me: “Yes, sir, because this is England. English is the national language.”

Tourist: “Is that because we beat you in the war?”

Related:
Stupid In Any Language, Part 2
Stupid In Any Language