Guide And Seek

| AL, USA | Working | September 1, 2015

(My husband and I are on a group tour through a cave.)

Tour Guide: *at the beginning* “Now make sure you stay behind me! Don’t try to get ahead of me or wander off.”

(We reach the end of the cave and we’re just standing around, admiring it. After a while…)

Me: “Um…” *looks around* “Where’s the guide?”

Other Tour Members: *look around* “Wh… where’d he go? He’s gone!”

(We stood around for a bit waiting to see if he was hiding or something to scare us. He never re-appeared. Fortunately the path was easy to follow, so we all ended up walking back through the cave on our own. I heard he wasn’t working there long after that.)

Should Have Taken A Different Rhode

| Newport, RI, USA | Right | August 25, 2015

(I live and work in a popular tourist town on an island. We provide boat tours around the bay between the island and the mainland. A woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “How do you know when you cross state lines during the tour if you’re on the water?”

Me: “Well, our tours don’t leave the bay, so we don’t encounter that situation.”

Woman: “You don’t cross state lines?”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Woman: “Well, what’s that then?”

(She points at the mainland in the distance.)

Me: “That’s Providence, ma’am, and right across the bay is Jamestown.”

Woman: “No, no. What state is it?”

Me: “It’s still Rhode Island.”

Woman: “No, it can’t be. What state is it?”

Me: “I assure you, it’s still Rhode Island. Providence is the capital city.”

Woman: “How can the capital city of Rhode Island be outside of Rhode Island?”

Me: “It isn’t. All the land you see across the water is still Rhode Island.”

Woman: “But that’s impossible!”

(Suddenly I realize why she’s confused.)

Me: “Ma’am, the island we’re on right now is called Aquidneck Island. Rhode Island is a state comprised of several different islands and a large mainland. Providence is on the mainland and Jamestown is on Conanicut Island, which I assure you is still a part of Rhode Island.”

Woman: “You mean we’re not on Rhode Island?”

Me: “We are IN Rhode Island, but we are currently ON Aquidneck Island.”

Woman: “Well, that’s just false advertisement!”

Starter For Ten

| Nashville, TN, USA | Right | July 2, 2015

(I have worked for four years in a tourist trap, which opensevery day at 10 am… Even so, most staff are obligated to report by 8:30 am. I am in the front one morning when a guest wanders in.)

Woman: “Three, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t open until ten.”

Woman: “What? No, the website states that you open at nine.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid not. We are not open.”

Woman: “Are you callin’ me a liar?”

Four-Score One To Me

| Washington, D.C., USA | Related | May 11, 2015

(We are visiting the Lincoln statue, and my mom asks me to take a picture of her and my younger sister. As a joke, I take a picture of Lincoln.)

Mom: “Show me the picture!”

Me: *shows Lincoln* “Here it is!”

Mom: “Where’s the picture of our family?”

Me: “You’re looking at him! Our most honest father.”

Mom: *scrolls through the phone, looking angrier by the second* “YOU RUINED THE FAMILY VACATION! I HOPE YOU END UP ON THE STREETS HOMELESS WITH NO ONE TO FIND YOU!”

This Story Will Be Mirrored For Years To Come

| Somerset, England, UK | Related | April 6, 2015

(I am about 13 and we are on a family holiday, walking in some caves. At the end of the caves there is a long, winding hall of mirrors. My three-year-old sister is upset and wants Dad.)

Sister: *sees Dad* “Daddy!” *starts running*

(DOOONNNNG! She runs full force into a mirror.)

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