Locked Up In The Tower Of London

| London, England, UK | Working | March 24, 2015

(I am on a study abroad trip in England and am at the Tower of London on a Saturday. My friend and I are heading towards the exit since the Tower is closing.)

Guard: *sticks her head inside the bathroom* “Is anyone in here?”

(She then slams the gate in the bathroom doorway shut.)

Me: *smiling* “I hope the answer was no!”

(The guard looks at me for a moment then…)

Guard: “Tough!”

A Giant Wave Of Ignorance

| Seward, AK, USA | Right | February 19, 2015

(We do glacier and whale watching cruises. On this day, there has been a tsunami alert, although it later turned out to be a false alarm. The alarm horns are sounding all over the waterfront.)

Me: “This is the tsunami warning system. I need everyone to drop what you’re doing and evacuate uphill to the high school. There are evacuation route signs posted under the street signs.”

Customer: “Can you explain this tour to me?”

Me: “Sir, we are evacuating.”

Customer: “Can I just wait by the docks until you all come back?”

Me: “There is a tsunami alarm sounding. You need to get to high ground.”

Customer: “But, when the tsunami is over, will you be running more tours?”

One More ‘One More’

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Right | January 27, 2015

(The FAQ on our event website states that the maximum group size is 10.)

Customer: “What is the maximum group size?”

Me: “10.”

Customer: “We have a group of 11; can you make an exception just this once?”

Me: “We will do our best to accommodate your group, but I can’t make guarantees.”

Customer: “So is that a yes?”

Me: “We will do our best. I don’t see it being a problem.

Customer: “Okay, great. And actually, we have 12 in our group, but what’s one more?”

A Titanic Gap In Your Knowledge

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Working | January 8, 2015

(I’ve been obsessed with the Titanic since I was eleven years old, and I have a massive amount of knowledge on the passengers, especially the children. I’m attending a guided tour of Halifax for the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, and we are visiting the cemetery where most of the bodies recovered from the wreck site were buried.)

Tour Guide: “As you will see, most of the people buried here are adults. You may wonder why. Well, that’s because most of the children on board survived!”

Me: “Actually, that’s not true. Only half of the children on board survived, and first class men had a higher survival rate than third class children. The reason why most of the recovered bodies were adults is because children are smaller and harder to spot in the ocean.”

Tour Guide: *a bit annoyed* “All right, then.”

(We move on to the grave of Alma Pålsson, one of my favourite passengers. The tour guide starts telling her story.)

Tour Guide: “Alma was traveling on the Titanic with her four children to meet her husband, Nils. Nils worked as a coal miner in New York.”

Me: “Sorry, but I think you’re confusing him with someone else. Nils worked as a tram driver in Chicago.”

Tour Guide: *more annoyed* “Whatever! So, Alma was traveling with her four children and while on board, she became friends with a fellow Swedish passenger. During the sinking, the friend helped her family get ready and find their way to the boat deck. He was just lowering the two youngest children into a lifeboat when a wave swept them off the ship, and the whole family died.”

Audience: “Aww, that’s so sad!”

Me: “Um, sorry to interrupt you again. Although that makes a good story, it’s not true. The friend was—”

Tour Guide: “Ugh! Why don’t you just finish the story then?!”

(I did. I still wonder how that tour guide got hired, and why she expected to be taken seriously by Titanic experts with such limited knowledge!)

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A Weightless Weight Comment

| Kona, HI, USA | Romantic | October 24, 2014

(For our honeymoon, I’ve convinced my wife to go scuba diving with me. First time divers need to figure out the proper amount of additional lead weights to add to their gear to compensate for buoyancy. My wife has just jumped in and is obviously carrying too much.)

Me: “Honey, this is probably the only time for the rest of our lives it’ll be safe for me to say this… I think you might be overweight.”

Wife: “Yep. That was your one time. Next time, I’m drowning you.”

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