I drive tourists around a large Safari park in South Africa. We get tourists from all over the world, and while I would never EVER laugh at someone’s accent or command of English, sometimes they will come up with something I can’t help but smile at.

Tourist: “When will we see the… how you say?”

Me: “Can you describe the animal to me?”

Tourist: “Like… pony, but looks like… prison?”

Me: “A zebra?”

Tourist: “Yes! When will we see prison pony?!”

That’s what I’m calling ’em from now on!

I am a dive guide in the Florida Keys. One of our divers is excited about the dive we just took her on.

Tourist: “That was my deepest dive yet! Sixty feet!”

Me: “Congratulations!”

Tourist: “How deep would we have to go to dive under the island?”

The captain and I look at each other for a second before I respond.

Me: “Over nine thousand feet.”

She still didn’t get it.

I am a photographer for a river rafting experience. My job is to get professional photos of the rafts as they go over some safe but dramatic-looking white-water rapids. I am explaining what I do during the orientation.

Me: “So, everyone needs to remember, you only get a couple of shots! Once you pass me, I won’t be able to take them again!”

One of the tourist rafters puts their hand up, and I signal that it’s okay to speak.

Tourist: “Can’t you just take more photos when we come around again?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Tourist: “Well, aren’t rivers circular? Won’t we just come back around to where we started?”

I look at their main tour guide, who in turn looks at me. My eyes scream, “Help!”

Main Tour Guide: “Okay, let’s start again, this time with a few more basics…”

I am visiting an old medieval castle on vacation. I have reached the torture chamber part of the tour. The room contains mock-ups of medieval torture devices, including a stretching rack.

An American father and his son (six years old at the oldest, based on the ticket he’s carrying) are looking at the rack.

Father: “Do you know what this is?”

The kid nods.

Father: “This is a stretching rack. They’d tie people to the chains and then stretch them using that pulley over there.”

Kid: “How did they stretch the chains?”

Father: “They didn’t stretch the chains. They stretched the body.”

Kid: “Oh…” *Eyes go wide in realization* “…oh!“

He then smiles mischievously in the way only six-year-old boys can.

Kid: “That’s so coooool!“

He furiously looks around the room and spots the super-spiky iron maiden.

Kid: “Dad! Daaaad! Tell me about this one!”

I am visiting a touristy place in the rainforest of northeast Australia. Popular access is via a series of gondolas or a scenic train. There’s lots of shopping from local artisans, you can hold a koala, etc. I’m on my way to the train station to return to Cairns when a barefoot young man walks up to me.

Barefoot Guy: “Hey, do you know where I can find nature?”

Me: “Um, anywhere?”

I kept going, and he presumably found some nature. Did I mention that we were in the middle of the rainforest?