(My girlfriend and I are doing a pedal tour of Savannah, where we visit several bars and learn about the history of the city.)

Tour Guide: “So, why are you drinking water? Are you just not a big drinker?”

Me: “No, I don’t drink. I’m a teetotaler.”

Girlfriend: “You really need to find a better term to use than ‘teetotaler.’”

Me: “Why? It’s accurate.”

Girlfriend: “‘Teetotaler’ implies that you’re judging people for drinking.”

Me: “There’s no judgment! I don’t care if people drink; it just isn’t for me.”

Girlfriend: “Honey, if I didn’t drink, we wouldn’t be dating.”

Coworker: “I just had a kid coming to me and saying: ‘Ha, ha! I will be going to college later, so that I will get a better job than you guys!’”

(My coworker and I both had master grades from university. He is a qualified archeologist and I am a historian. Five years later, I still don’t have a job on my qualification level. Good luck, kid.)

All of my friends and I are in AP/AICE programs. For my birthday, ten of us go do a big bank-heist-themed escape room — locked in a room that you have to solve puzzles to get out of.

We often find solutions and then find the clues five minutes after we have already solved them, but for some reason, it takes us fifteen minutes to get the safe open at the very end of the game.

We all refuse to call for a clue, but try everything we can for the safe. Along the TV screen-timer comes the message: “Send the boss lady forward.”

All my friends argue about this while I step up. We had mentioned it was my birthday so we safely assume they mean me. We are given the correct combo and yet still can not open the stupid safe.

We are turning the handle the wrong way.

When we finally got out, the lady running our room asked us what the big deal was. I shrugged and said, “We overcomplicated it.”

They said to us: “You guys moved so fast, it was unbelievable!”

My best friend explained that we pulled the honors thing where you move so fast on the hard part that when you get to the basic stuff, you get lost.

(It’s summer, and my husband and I are having a “stay-cation”. We’ve decided that it might be fun to go on a tour of our own city.)

Tour Guide: “Over there is a statue of [Important City Founder].” *proceeds to give us incorrect information about the guy*

Husband: “Um, excuse me? That’s not right.”

Tour Guide: “Oh?”

Husband: “No.” *gives correct information*

Tour Guide: “Thanks! Now, over there is [History Building].” *gives us incorrect information about the building*

Me: “Excuse me, that’s not right either.”

Tour Guide: “No offense, but how do you know that?”

Husband: “We’re from here. We’ve lived here most of our lives.”

Tour Guide: “Then why are you on this tour?”

Me: “…to learn new things about our city.”

(I go to China and have a conversation with the tour guide:)

Dad: “So what should we do if we see any venomous snakes around?”

Guide: “If you see a dangerous snake, for God’s sake try and trap it!”

Dad: “Wait, why?!”

Guide: “You don’t understand. They eat the snakes here. I’m pretty sure we’ve eaten them all. If there’s any venomous snakes left, they’ll be worth a fortune!”