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My Name Isn’t “Hey, You!”

, , | Right | April 14, 2021

My office is near a popular tourist area. Therefore, there are always tourists around that seem a bit lost. Blame it on my previous retail experience, but I’m happy to stop and give them directions or tell them good places to eat in town if asked. I’m walking out of my building to grab some lunch when I hear someone shouting. I’m wearing business attire.

Old Man: “Hey! Hey, you!

I turn around, and to my great surprise, it’s an old man shouting at me. He snaps his fingers at me.

Old Man: “Yes, you!”

I look at him and raise an eyebrow. He snaps at me again and gestures me over.

Old Man: “Come here!”

Memories of YEARS of being treated like this while working in retail kick in.

Me: “Yeah, no. That’s not happening.”

I walked away. He continued to shout at me. I got my lunch and came back about fifteen minutes later. He was yelling at an unrelated person, pointing in my direction. She looked at me with a confused expression. I shrugged, rolled my eyes, and headed back to my building.

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They Missed Day One At Kindergarten: Keeping Your Hands To Yourself

, , , , | Working | March 26, 2021

I’m the only person under fifty on this shift. Everyone has grandchildren and some even have grandchildren my age; I’m thirty-seven.

Before work, we have a meeting for updates, notices, and assignments. I’m sitting in the middle row, talking to [Coworker #1], when another coworker walks behind me. He grabs my ear and twists. I yelp in surprise.

Coworker #2: “Don’t be a baby. I’m just saying hello!”

Me: “Then use your words! I don’t like that.”

Later in the meeting…

Coworker #1: “What is [Leader] saying?”

Me: “He’s giving instructions for the new keypad in the theater.”

She slaps me on the back of the neck.

Coworker #1: “Is he going to tell us what to do on the new keypad?”

Me: “He’s doing that right now.”

She slaps me again.

Coworker #1: “I don’t get what he’s saying. Can you repeat it?”

Me: “If you have questions, ask him. And stop slapping me, please.”

She slaps me again.

Coworker #1: “Get him to speak up. I can’t hear him back here!”

By the time the meeting ends, she’s slapped me four times and still doesn’t know how to use the keypad because she wouldn’t ask for clarification.

Me: “I can show you how to use the keypad when we overlap at 2:00, but please stop slapping me to get [Leader] to answer your question.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, right. I forgot that autistic people don’t like being touched.”

Me: “I’m not autistic. But even if I were, that’s no excuse for hitting me.”

By the end of the day, I’d been slapped in the face by [Coworker #2], who was saying hi again with a sheaf of laminated papers. I fought dirty and got his wife to stop him.

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Who Mourns For Adonis?

, , , , , , | Right | March 23, 2021

I am conducting an English-speaking tour of the museum for some American tourists. We are in the Greek history section where we have several very famous and beautiful statues from the period.

Me: “This is the statue of Adonis, the ancient Greek god of beauty and desire.”

I am interrupted by one of the tourists, a middle-aged woman.

Tourist: “Nu-uh! That’s a man!”

Me: “Yes, Adonis was a male god.”

Tourist: “Ain’t no man gonna be a god of beauty. That’s the… uh… the Venus!”

Me: “Venus was the Roman goddess of beauty and love, and her Greek counterpart would have been Aphrodite.”

Tourist: “No! No man is going to be beautiful! That’s just wrong!”

Me: “I… uh… Well, I am sorry, ma’am, but that’s what the ancient Greeks believed.”

Tourist: “I bet he was one of those men who dressed up as women! That’s wrong!”

I let her rant for a while as she was not being too loud and I could continue the tour, only for my heart to sink as we progressed along the tour and got to another famous statue: Hermaphroditus, the god of hermaphrodites and effeminates.

This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of March 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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Learn Patience You Must, Or Get Shot You Might

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2021

I am waiting in line to go into the Hungarian Parliament tour. For these tours, you get a ticket with a time frame to come back for and you then wait in a line to be brought through security. It takes a while because it is still an active government building.

The guy behind me speaks up.

Guy: “Man, this is taking so long.”

He goes on like this for a bit, and I turn around to see his wife basically ignoring him whining. 

Guy: “I’m just going to go.”

The man then walked quickly to the front of the line and jumped over the turnstile. Four Hungarian soldiers — who honestly were probably bored to death and never get to do anything — immediately started pointing weapons and yelling in Hungarian and English. Suddenly Mr. Bigshot looked terrified and started apologizing. His wife walked over, looking irritated as h***, but unfortunately, the rest of my group was called and I didn’t get to see the rest play out.

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Bear With Us This Weekend

, , | Right | March 2, 2021

I work in a small visitor center in a busy metropolitan area. This Saturday, the employees are being overly cheerful to try and keep up our energy for the busy day. One guy comes in with a baby dressed in a bear-shaped outfit.

Coworker: *With a smile* “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow bears inside the exhibit.”

The man starts to walk out the door.

Coworker: “No! Come back! It was a joke!”

We all have our hands over our mouths, trying not to laugh. The man walks away and our coworker cry-laughs to us:

Coworker: “Most parents like that joke!”

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