Not As Slick As The City Slickers

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Working | February 14, 2017

(It’s summer, and my husband and I are having a “stay-cation”. We’ve decided that it might be fun to go on a tour of our own city.)

Tour Guide: “Over there is a statue of [Important City Founder].” *proceeds to give us incorrect information about the guy*

Husband: “Um, excuse me? That’s not right.”

Tour Guide: “Oh?”

Husband: “No.” *gives correct information*

Tour Guide: “Thanks! Now, over there is [History Building].” *gives us incorrect information about the building*

Me: “Excuse me, that’s not right either.”

Tour Guide: “No offense, but how do you know that?”

Husband: “We’re from here. We’ve lived here most of our lives.”

Tour Guide: “Then why are you on this tour?”

Me: “…to learn new things about our city.”

Snaking Their Way Towards Extinction

| China | Working | February 9, 2017

(I go to China and have a conversation with the tour guide:)

Dad: “So what should we do if we see any venomous snakes around?”

Guide: “If you see a dangerous snake, for God’s sake try and trap it!”

Dad: “Wait, why?!”

Guide: “You don’t understand. They eat the snakes here. I’m pretty sure we’ve eaten them all. If there’s any venomous snakes left, they’ll be worth a fortune!”

Monster Mother

| Hollywood, CA, USA | Related | February 1, 2017

(I am visiting my mom in Los Angeles. We are near the Hollywood Walk of Fame by the Chinese Theater, walking to get back to her apartment. Despite the area’s reputation as a major tourist attraction, it can be quite… seedy. While I am waiting for the light to change to cross the street, a clearly homeless and mentally ill man wearing no shirt runs across the street, sits behind me, and starts taking his pants off while mumbling to himself. I resolutely stare at the walk signal waiting for it to change so I can get away from him. After a bit I don’t hear him mumbling anymore.)

Me: *to Mom* “Is he still there?”

Mom: “No, I think he’s gone. I would have pushed him in front of a car before he could do anything to you anyway.”

Me: “In front of a car?”

Mom: “What? I’m clumsy; I could make it look like an accident!”

The Value Of The Dollar Is Niagara Falling

| Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Right | January 22, 2017

(The company I work for is one of the many which takes photographs of people in tourist destinations.)

Customer: “I want my photos. They are really nice.”

(The customer proceeds to take out American currency, which is not exact.)

Me: “We can accept the American dollar, but I cannot give you back change in American. You will receive $1.75 cents back in Canadian.”

Customer: “WHAT? WHY?”

Me: “Well, we are in Canada, and it’s our company’s policy. I can take card, if you prefer.”

Customer: “No. I don’t want ANYMORE of your Canadian money. I can’t use it. I don’t care how small the change is, I DO NOT WANT IT.”

Fellow Employee: “You can use it up at the coffee shop if you’d like—”

Customer: “NO. NO COFFEE. NO MORE OF THIS.”

Me: “Well, there’s nothing I can do, then. I am sorry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous.”

Me: “You are in Canada. Would you anticipate getting American back in say, Britain? Australia? It’s our legal tender. It’s a courtesy we extend to you because our banks also use Canadian currency.”

Customer: “MAYBE I’ll just order online. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “All right, please do so. Have a nice day.”

When Stuck In The Cave Just Follow The Punch Lines

| CO, USA | Working | December 6, 2016

(My family and I have gone to a place where everything is centered around the natural cave tunnels in a mountain. They offer tours of the tunnels and the tour guides are really funny. These are some of my favorite remarks.)

Tour Guide #1: *standing in front of a narrow and short tunnel* “This is what we call the fat man’s headache, but if you duck, tuck, and suck you’ll make it through without a—” *bows down and quickly starts going through the tunnel backwards* “—bummmmpppp.”

(Later in the tour, we are standing off to the side to let another tour group pass us.)

Tour Guide #2: “Be careful around this group. They’ve been trapped down here for days and are probably hungry for fresh meat!”

Tour Guide #1: “Don’t worry, I have them trained to only eat ugly people. Oops! Sorry, [Tour Guide #2], you’re out of luck!”

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