She Apparated Right Out Of There

| Ireland | Working | May 23, 2017

(I’m on a ghost walk with a group, and everything has been normal except our guide is a little high-strung and makes several comments about how she’s quitting because she can’t take it anymore. It’s around 10 pm, quite dark, and we’ve just entered a courtyard of an ancient church.)

Guide: “This area is particularly creepy. Every time I’ve brought a group here, something has happened. Once I had a medium who told me she saw this entity standing behind me the whole time… It’s said that some lovers arranged to meet here to run away and be married, because their parents didn’t approve, but when the boy arrived, he found the girl dead… They once found someone hanging from this tree.”

(As the guide is telling us the haunted history of the church, I shift my weight and suddenly, my hip joint cracks and echoes loudly on the stones.)

Guide: “Did you hear that? Did you guys hear that? It sounded like a footstep. Haha, I told you something always happens here. Um, so, well, that’s pretty much everything here. Now, if we’ll all just go back the way we came. Right, so through here. And, uh, well, normally we go into this pub just down the street here and have a few, but, um, well, I have to be up early tomorrow, so, yeah. That’s the tour, everybody! Thanks. Thanks for coming. Bye, all!”

(She all but ran down the sidewalk and disappeared. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you, tour guide lady; I hope your new job is a lot healthier for you.)

The Prices Can Blindside You

| Cape May, NJ, USA | Working | April 25, 2017

(My family is going on a nighttime walking tour of the town. We pass a very brightly-lit store.)

Tour Guide: “And this here is the most popular jewelry store in town. If you look right into it, you will go blind. If you walk right into it, you will go broke.”

That Behavior Is A Real Head-Scratcher

| London, England, UK | Friendly | April 4, 2017

(My family and I are American tourists in London, and what everyone says is true: They do take their lines very seriously. We’re in line for a tourist attraction, when my mom notices that the woman directly ahead of us has lice, so many that we can see them crawling in her hair. She holds my brother and me at least five feet back, and the people behind us are not happy.)

Person Behind Us #1: *bumping into us* “What the h*** is the matter with people?”

Person Behind Us #2: *shoving my brother forward* “F****** tourists.”

Person Behind Us #3: “Typical Americans.”

(Please note that regardless of the amount of space between us and lice-lady, there are still the exact same number of people between us and the front of the line. After about five minutes of this, my mom turns to face them.)

Mom: “Would you all like to go in front of us?”

(They all were very excited about that, and proceeded to stand very close to lice-lady the whole rest of the time in line. By the time we got to the front, they were already scratching their heads.)

Keeping The Spirits Of Their Relationship Alive

| Savannah, GA, USA | Romantic | March 27, 2017

(My girlfriend and I are doing a pedal tour of Savannah, where we visit several bars and learn about the history of the city.)

Tour Guide: “So, why are you drinking water? Are you just not a big drinker?”

Me: “No, I don’t drink. I’m a teetotaler.”

Girlfriend: “You really need to find a better term to use than ‘teetotaler.’”

Me: “Why? It’s accurate.”

Girlfriend: “‘Teetotaler’ implies that you’re judging people for drinking.”

Me: “There’s no judgment! I don’t care if people drink; it just isn’t for me.”

Girlfriend: “Honey, if I didn’t drink, we wouldn’t be dating.”

Not As Slick As The City Slickers

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Working | February 14, 2017

(It’s summer, and my husband and I are having a “stay-cation”. We’ve decided that it might be fun to go on a tour of our own city.)

Tour Guide: “Over there is a statue of [Important City Founder].” *proceeds to give us incorrect information about the guy*

Husband: “Um, excuse me? That’s not right.”

Tour Guide: “Oh?”

Husband: “No.” *gives correct information*

Tour Guide: “Thanks! Now, over there is [History Building].” *gives us incorrect information about the building*

Me: “Excuse me, that’s not right either.”

Tour Guide: “No offense, but how do you know that?”

Husband: “We’re from here. We’ve lived here most of our lives.”

Tour Guide: “Then why are you on this tour?”

Me: “…to learn new things about our city.”

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