I’m in the lobby of a hotel in Kraków, Poland. I overhear two women walk up to one of the concierges and start complaining.

Guest #1: “Why did you recommend we go to Auschwitz?!”

Guest #2: “That place was depressing as h***!”

Concierge: “Ladies, you asked what the most visited places were, and I did explain the history of the memorial site.”

Guest #1: “Well, we did not have fun there.”

Concierge: “Neither did my grandparents.”

You could have heard a pin drop…

We’re walking the 13th-century walls of the historic city of Dubrovnik. An American couple walking just behind us is marvelling at it.

American Man: “It’s crazy how they’ve managed to avoid Starbucks or McDonald’s setting up here.”

American Woman: “That would be like opening a strip club in a national park.

American Man: *Absolute sincerity.* “But what if it were a really nice strip club?” 

We then had to listen to him going on about how a REALLY NICE Starbucks would work up here on the wall. We found a nice spot to idle for a while to let them get far enough ahead of us so that we couldn’t hear his amazing ideas anymore.

I spent ten years conducting English-speaking tours of the Colosseum in Rome, Italy. This was the one question I got from a tourist that stumped me in all that time:

Tourist: “Is this where Jesus fought the lions?”

Me: “I… uh… no.”

Tourist: *Disappointed.* “Oh.”

The tourist’s spouse then chastised her:

Tourist’s Spouse: “Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows that happened in Jerusalem.”

Tourist: “Oh yeah!”

Some of the other tourists are chuckling at the interaction. One of the teenage boys says:

Teenage Boy Tourist: “That sounds like a bad-a** movie!”

I couldn’t help but agree!

My mother was a tour guide in a town in the English Midlands. One of her most popular tours was the local abbey, a large church built in the 17th century, but with parts dating back to the 11th century.

She was showing a group around, which included a couple from Fort Worth in Texas. She was explaining about the bell tower, and how it’s accessed by a very narrow and rather worn spiral staircase. The Texan Gentleman asked:

Tourist: “Why doesn’t it have an elevator?”

My mother, misunderstanding him, assumed he was asking why a lift hadn’t been installed in recent years, and explained:

Mum: “Well, the church is a Grade 1 listed building, so they can’t simply install a lift into the tower because of the damage it would do to the architecture, and because the costs would also be astronomical.”

Tourist: “No, why didn’t they include an elevator when they originally designed and built the church?”

We’re on a scuba diving tour/school in the Philippines. Our guides’ differing levels of English vary from good to excellent. One of them asks:

Guide: “Any last questions before we start your first open water dive?”

Tourist: *Raises hand.* “Yeah, why do we always go backwards out of the boat?”

Guide: “Well, that is because if you went forward, you’d still be in the boat.”

Always love a technically correct answer!