Tourist: “Where are the cherry blossom trees?”

Me: “They’re in the park near the tidal basin, but ma’am, it’s July. They don’t have any blossoms right now.”

Tourist: “So they’ll just look like normal trees?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Tourist: “Well, can’t you go put some back on for my photos?”

Me: “That would be impossible, ma’am. They only blossom in spring.”

Tourist: “That’s stupid! Who came up with that idea?”

Me: “That would be nature, ma’am.”

Tourist: “Terrible service! Where can I write to and complain?”

There are several Smithsonian museums in the area.

Tourist: “Where’s the main Smithsonian gift shop?”

I explain that each museum has a gift shop that highlights the items in that building.

Tourist: “But where’s the main one?”

I give the same explanation but simpler.

Tourist: “But where’s the main one?”

Tourist’s Son: “Dad, aren’t you listening?”

Tourist: “When the sign says, ‘No Parking,’ do they mean it?”

It’s our first time in the US, and my fiancé and I, both Swedish, see that they are selling tickets for the Tonight Show. We happily approach the ticket booth.

Me: “Two tickets for tomorrow, please.”

The ticket booth lady just stares at me.

Me: “Or are you sold out? It says on your screen that you are selling tickets for [Show].”

Ticket Booth Lady: “In May. The show is in May.”

Me: “2019-12-05, that’s December. Oh! Right, you guys write it in the wrong way!”

The look I got from the lady was NOT a kind one.

I volunteer part-time at the Washington Monument. A nice tourist family comes up to me.

Nice Family: “Where can I get some water?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell bottled water here. The closest place is [direction and distance], and last I saw it was like $3 each.”

The mother of another family overhears this and storms straight over.

Mom: “What?! There are some kids right over there selling it for $1 each. You should go buy from the kids.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we really don’t recommend buying from non-licensed vendors. I need to report this to the capitol police so that they don’t sell there anymore.”

Mom: “That’s ridiculous! You’re ripping people off! I bet you’re in league with them and getting your pockets lined!”

Me: “Ma’am, let me ask you a question… When you got your bottle of water, did the kids crack open the bottle before they handed it to you?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “That’s because, in a lot of cases, the water bottle was already opened. They just pretend to open it so that you don’t know it was already opened. We see a lot of kids that fish empty water bottles out of the recycling bins and refill them and sell them to tourists. That’s why we recommend you only buy from licensed vendors.”

Mom: “YOU MEAN THAT SOMEONE ELSE DRANK THIS BEFORE ME?! AND I PUT MY MOUTH ON IT?!”

She throws the bottle and barely misses my face.

Mom: “I’M GOING TO SUE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE FOR ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN!”

Related:
H2-Woah, Part 6
H2-Woah, Part 5
H2-Woah, Part 4
H2-Woah, Part 3
H2-Woah, Part 2