Dumb By Any Metric, Part 3

| VIC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Popular, Tourists/Travel

(I conduct tours for cruise ship passengers who’ve come ashore. Most of them are Americans, so as part of my tour, I give them a short lesson in the metric system.)

Me: “So, in Canada, we operate under the metric system. Our speed limits are measured in kilometres per hour, not miles per hour. For example, 80 kilometres per hour is around 50 miles per hour. Our temperature is measured in Celsius, not Fahrenheit. When we say it’s 20 degrees Celsius, that’s about the same as 70 degrees Fahrenheit. If we say it’s zero degrees Celsius, that’s 32 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Tourist: “What’s the population here?”

Me: “Our population is around 350,000 people.”

Tourist: “How many is that in REAL numbers?”

Dumb By Any Metric, Part 2
Dumb By Any Metric


Literally Expecting You To Move Mountains

| Haines, AK, USA | Crazy Requests, Tourists/Travel

(I am picking up a new set of tourists from the docks to take on a walking tour and notice one standing off to one side staring out across the water at a rather impressive mountain range.)

Me: “Pretty great view, huh?”

Tourist: “Well, it WOULD be if you got rid of those mountains.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Tourist: “Seriously, have you spoken to anyone about it? They really block the view.”

There Should Be A Sign

, | Watson Lake, YK, Canada | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

(I work at a little retail store beside our town’s main tourist attraction, the Signpost Forest, which has over 75,000 signs to date, right beside the Alaska Highway. A customer walks into the shop.)

Customer: “Where do I go to see the Signpost Forest?”

Me: “See right behind the shop, the hundreds of posts with the countless signs all over them?”

Customer: “Yah?”

Me: “See how they look like a forest?”

Customer: “Yah?”

Me: “That’s it.”

Customer: “…Are you sure?”

Independent From Your Day

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Canada, Holidays, Money

(Vancouver sees a lot of American tourists. Just like American businesses, we are concerned about counterfeit bills, so typically $50 and $100, US or Canadian, are rarely accepted and there are signs to this effect. This story takes place on a July 4. Exchange rates [generally quite unfavorable] are posted in case they use USD.)

Box Office Box Office Attendant: “Your total is $25 for 2 tickets.”

Customer: “Can you break this $100(USD)?”

Box Office Attendant: “I’m sorry; sir, but we cannot accept bills of that denomination. Do you have anything smaller?”

Customer: “No, and no one takes them. What can I do?”

Box Office Attendant: “You could take it to a bank and exchange it for Canadian.”

Customer: “How? Banks are closed today.”

Box Office Attendant: “Why would they be closed?”

Customer: “It’s a holiday!”

Box Office Attendant: “July 4th is not a holiday in Canada, sir. Today is a regular weekday.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you don’t celebrate Independence Day! Why don’t you?”

Box Office Attendant: “That’s your holiday; we have Canada Day on July 1. Banks are closed that day.”

Customer: “It would be lot easier if you followed our holidays.”

Box Office Attendant: “We’ll keep that in mind. Perhaps you have a credit card?”

Should Have Taken A Different Rhode

| Newport, RI, USA | Geography, Tourists/Travel

(I live and work in a popular tourist town on an island. We provide boat tours around the bay between the island and the mainland. A woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “How do you know when you cross state lines during the tour if you’re on the water?”

Me: “Well, our tours don’t leave the bay, so we don’t encounter that situation.”

Woman: “You don’t cross state lines?”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Woman: “Well, what’s that then?”

(She points at the mainland in the distance.)

Me: “That’s Providence, ma’am, and right across the bay is Jamestown.”

Woman: “No, no. What state is it?”

Me: “It’s still Rhode Island.”

Woman: “No, it can’t be. What state is it?”

Me: “I assure you, it’s still Rhode Island. Providence is the capital city.”

Woman: “How can the capital city of Rhode Island be outside of Rhode Island?”

Me: “It isn’t. All the land you see across the water is still Rhode Island.”

Woman: “But that’s impossible!”

(Suddenly I realize why she’s confused.)

Me: “Ma’am, the island we’re on right now is called Aquidneck Island. Rhode Island is a state comprised of several different islands and a large mainland. Providence is on the mainland and Jamestown is on Conanicut Island, which I assure you is still a part of Rhode Island.”

Woman: “You mean we’re not on Rhode Island?”

Me: “We are IN Rhode Island, but we are currently ON Aquidneck Island.”

Woman: “Well, that’s just false advertisement!”

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