A Fresh Way To Say It

, , , | Right | May 8, 2018

(A customer walks up to the counter and points at the packages of quails.)

Customer: “Is that fish?”

Me: “No, sir, those are quails.”

Customer: “But is it fish?”

Me: “Um, no… It’s a bird.”

Customer: “Fish or freeze?!”

Me: “OH! Sorry! Yes, it’s fresh. Never frozen.”

Your Convictions Are Plastic

, , , , | Working | May 4, 2018

(Somewhere along the line my job evolved to include purchasing coffee and tea and all the related supplies for the office. Sometimes I get strange requests. Some are stranger than others.)

Coworker: “We need spoons. Could you buy spoons next time you go shopping?”

Me: “We have lots in this cupboard right here.” *opens cupboard and shows coworker huge box of plastic spoons*

Coworker: “No, real spoons, not plastics ones. Those are no good.”

Me: “No good? What do you mean? Are you using them for more than just coffee or tea?”

Coworker: “I only use them for tea, but when they get hot they smell! If they smell, that means the plastic is getting into my tea. So, I don’t want to use them; I only want to use real spoons. I don’t want to drink plastic!”

Me: “Um, okay. I will see what I can do to get you ‘real’ spoons.”

Coworker: “Okay, thank you! Oh, and can you buy some stir sticks, too? We are almost out.”

Me: “Sure! Are wooden ones okay?”

Coworker: “No, plastic is fine.” *walks away*

Has Zero Zero Confidence In The Customers

, , , , , | Right | April 25, 2018

(I work at a butcher’s shop. When there’s a line-up, customers take numbered tickets and wait their turn. Each ticket has a two-digit number in bold print, from zero-zero to ninety-nine. There is also a faint number to the left of the two-digit number, for those extremely rare occasions when we have more than 100 people waiting. Normally we call the two-digit number, and our big number display only has room for two digits. We are running a very popular special, and we have quite a few people in who are not regular customers. There are currently about 20 people waiting.)

Coworker #1: *on PA* “Ninety-eight!”

(A customer responds.)

Coworker #2: *on PA* “Ninety-nine!”

(A customer responds.)

Me: *on PA* “Zero zero!”

(Nothing.)

Me: *on PA* “Zero zero?”

(Still nothing. Sometimes people get tired of waiting and leave, or sometimes someone has taken more than one ticket. I move on to the next number. A few minutes later, I’m in the middle of serving [Customer #03] when a woman shoves her way in front of him and waves a ticket in my face.)

Customer #00: “What number is this?!”

Me: “That’s number zero zero. I called it about five minutes ago, but I didn’t hear you respond. I’m sorry, but I’ll make sure you’re served next.”

Customer #00: “That’s ridiculous! It says 600, not zero zero!”

Me: “Oh, I see. We only call the last two digits.”

Customer #00: “What?! How was I supposed to know that?! This is terrible service! I’ve been waiting twenty minutes! Why would you do that?!”

Me: “Ma’am, the next available person will serve you.”

Customer #00: “NO! I’m leaving! I’m in customer service, and this is terrible! I can’t believe you did this to me! There’s no way I could possibly have known that you weren’t calling the whole number!”

(At this point, the manager shows up. She continues ranting at him for several minutes, while he tries to help her. Eventually she calms down enough to let him serve her. She was never really going to leave without getting her veal; it’s only this cheap once a year. After she leaves, I look at my manager.)

Me: “Did she really think there were 599 people ahead of her?”

Manager: *laughs*

GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 5

, , , , , | Working | April 17, 2018

(It’s my first year at university and I am still getting used to the new buses I have to take. The bus app is malfunctioning, so I have to remember my bus times from memory. I get on one bus and ask the driver a question.)

Me: “Does this bus go to [Intersection]?”

Bus Driver: “I only follow the GPS.”

Me: “I know, but it should be a stop. I just want to make sure I’m on the right bus.”

Bus Driver: “I just follow the GPS. I don’t know.”

Me: “Really?”

Bus Driver: “I just follow the GPS.”

(Since I was 90% sure I was on the right bus, I stayed on, and I was right, but what bus driver doesn’t know intersections?)

Related:
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 4
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 3
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 2

The Machines Are Among Us

, , , , | Working | April 11, 2018

(I work for my parents in a family-run restaurant. Our debit machine is printing out faded receipts. My dad likes for me to call the bank who services the machine, because he doesn’t speak English too well, and I can translate for him after. We usually have small problems with this machine, so I’m used to the voice of the recorded messages and the choices that come from calling the bank. I am currently waiting for the next representative to help me.)

Phone Representative: “Hello, this is [Bank]’s Merchant Support Services and Supplies. How may I help you?”

(I’m thinking this is the same recorded message and that I should wait until the actual representative picks up to respond.)

Phone Representative: “Hmm, seems to be another pocket dial.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry; I thought you were a robot!” *facepalm*

Phone Representative: *starts laughing* “No, no, you’re talking to a real person. I’ve been around longer than all those robots. How can I help you?”

(He helped me with my problem smoothly, but during the call I felt so embarrassed. In my defence, he sounded just like the recording! He probably is the one who recorded the company’s phone greeting.)

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