Must Have Learned Geography At Trump University

, , , , , | Right | May 18, 2019

(I work in a clothing store that does custom prints and embroideries. We also sell patches of flags with the country’s names next to them. Although most of them are countries, we have one design that is the Confederate flag, with “REBEL” written next to it.)

Customer #1: “Look, they have country flags!”

Customer #2: “Brazil, Canada, Chile, China… Wow, that’s a lot. But what kind of country is ‘Ree-bell’? I’ve never heard of that one before.”

Customer #1: “I think that’s one of the Mexican countries.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, I think you’re right. It does sound a bit Mexican.” *poorly imitating a Hispanic accent* “Rrree-bell! Arriba!”

(Dear God, why?)

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, , , , , , | Romantic | May 6, 2019

(I’m teasing my fiancé about how much he likes it when I talk in a particular voice during “fun time.”)

Me: “You are such a dirty old man.”

Fiancé: “Well, it’s like ASMR!”

Me: “I don’t think ASMR is meant to have that effect on you.”

Fiancé: “It’s supposed to give you tingles. I don’t see why I should get judged based on what part of me tingles.”

(Yes, I laughed.)

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The Definition Is Fluid

, , , , , , , , | Related | April 26, 2019

My sibling is genderfluid — they alternate between identifying as male and female — and visits occasionally. This time, my son decided to ask me why his uncle/aunt changes gender every time we see them, so I tell him “they’re genderfluid.”

Later, when I looked at my grocery list before I went out, I saw that my son had added “gender fluid” to the list. Upon questioning why he wrote this down, I learned that he’d thought gender fluid was an actual liquid — like windshield fluid — and if you run out you get stuck as the opposite gender forever. He thought my sibling kept switching from male to female because theirs was running low, and wanted to help out.

Of course, I immediately explained what it really meant more thoroughly.

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It’s A Karma Lottery

, , , , , , , | Right | April 23, 2019

A woman came in and asked for a $2 lottery ticket. Without thinking, I printed one that included a bonus lottery for an extra dollar bringing the cost to $3. I realized I made a mistake and asked her if she would still like to buy the ticket. She launched into a tirade about my incompetence, today’s society, lazy youth, etc., and stormed out of the store. A man standing behind her said, “I’ll take that,” put down $3, and walked out.

A few days later, that man walked into the store, checked his ticket, and found out that he’d won $250. That same day, the disgruntled woman came into the store, checked her ticket, saw that she’d won $10, and proceeded to tell me that I almost cost her $10 and that I should make more of an effort to listen and use my brain.

I just nodded and smiled.

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Yes, But Who Has Been Captured By Who?

, , , , , , | Related | April 22, 2019

(My daughter is walking about cuddling her kitten, appropriately named Nemesis.)

Daughter: “Mom, why does Nemesis love me?”

(Before I can answer, her 12-year-old brother interjects dryly:)

Son: “Stockholm Syndrome.”

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