(Every year I volunteer for one of the world’s busiest film festivals. The rules are known and pretty clear to film goers. If you buy tickets for a screening, you have to be there at least fifteen minutes before it starts; otherwise, if you are not in your seat by then, your seat is given away to people standing in the rush line. Most people are fine with this rule and understand it is festival policy. One day I am on ticket-taking duty for a new Samuel L. Jackson film in the IMAX cinema. As predicted, it is absolutely full, and the screen starts on time without a hitch. Thirty minutes into the film, I see a pair of trendy couples casually walking towards the theatre, all carrying armfuls of sacks from the concession stand. One of them hands me his ticket.)

Guy #1: “Okay, let us in.”

(My fellow volunteer and I look at each other nervously, as we know this is about to become difficult.)

Me: “I’m sorry… The screening is full.”

Guy #1: “Yeah, but we have tickets, so let us in, please!”

Volunteer: “The screening is totally full; you need to be here at least 15 minutes before it starts to get your seat!”

Girl #1: “Are you f****** kidding us? We have tickets!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t let you in now.”

Guy #2: “Dude, we bought tickets and we want to go in! Just let us in.”

Me: “Let me just get the volunteer manager for you; maybe he can sort something else out.”

Girl #2: “F****** ridiculous.”

(I can hear them loudly arguing and complaining among themselves as I grab the manager. He’s a very short guy, so people just assume they can intimidate him, but he has nerves of steel and doesn’t back down from a fight. Immediately one the guys stands over him threateningly.)

Manager: “Hi, sir, I understand you arrived late for the screening.”

Guy #1: “Listen, buddy, let us on into our movie that we paid for and there won’t be a problem.”

Manager: “Sir, this isn’t the regular cinema. This is a festival, and if you read the back of your ticket, it clearly states that you have to be here on time or your seat becomes forfeit.”

Guy #2: “Who reads that s***?”

(The manager gives a look that suggests he should behave himself, and the other guy immediately recoils.)

Manager: “It’s also on our website, brochures, and every other festival material you will find! Sorry you cannot get into that film, but…”

Girl #1: “OH! SO, YOU’RE HAPPY TO TAKE OUR MONEY, BUT YOU WON’T LET US IN? THIS IS BULLS***!”

Manager: “Okay, calm down! Can I ask first what made you late for the screening?”

Guy #1: “There was a load of traffic coming in, OBVIOUSLY! The game was finishing and the f****** festival is on!”

Guy #2: “Yeah, we were watching the Jays game first!”

(The whole group agrees loudly to this.)

Manager: “Firstly, watch your language! Secondly, have you been to other films this festival?”

Guy #2: “Yeah, but there were biga** queues! We couldn’t be bothered standing in those. Who the h*** stands in a queue for over an hour to see a movie? We just thought we would skip them.”

Manager: “Right, so even though you knew there would be traffic due to the festival, and you actively knew there was a baseball game on today… you still decided to arrive late?”

Guy #1: “We thought our seats would be held for us!”

Manager: “Did you see the people standing in the rush line outside?”

Guy #2: *laughs* “Yeah, what suckers.”

Manager: “Well, if you are not on time for the film, then they get your seats, because they want to see the films just as much as you do. If you are not here on time, then I am sorry, but you will miss out!”

(Following this is another few minutes of the couples begging, pleading, and threatening to get into their movie. The manager doesn’t relent, and basically tells them are no seats to accommodate them, and refuses their request to throw out other people due them holding tickets. Finally at the end of his tether, the manager tells them:)

Manager: “Right, if you will follow me, we can look at other films I can get you a ticket for. Sorry, but you will not be seeing this picture tonight.”

(Angrily, three out of the four follow him to the box- office. The other girl turns around to us and gives a disgusted look.)

Girl #2: “WE HAD TICKETS!”

(With that, she storms away with the others. The other volunteer and I look at each other and try not to laugh.)

Me: “If they’re that bothered about seeing their movie, why did they get snacks for the already busy concession stand and waste more time?”

Volunteer: “People are strange.”

(Thankfully, that was the only time I had to deal with something like that… roll on next year.)

I run a small concrete-cutting business and I was looking for a new chief supervisor to look after the shop when I wasn’t there. I found a guy who looked good on paper, and after a fairly short interview process I hired him.

When I hired him, I told him that his employment was conditional on signing an employment agreement which my lawyer was in the process of preparing. Since he would have access to trade secrets and my client list, I especially needed to have him sign a non-competition agreement as part of the larger employment agreement.

A few weeks went by and he seemed to be performing adequately. So, I gave him the agreement to sign and he took it home to have a look at. That night I got a call from him saying he had issues with the agreement and he couldn’t sign it as-is.

The next day, he handed me the agreement with his notes, and I took it into my office to review. He had crossed out the “Duties and Responsibilities” section and the “Non-Competition” section. Not only that, but he had put in a much higher salary than we agreed, added a bunch of benefits on top of what he was already getting, and taken out the end date of the contract, making it indefinite.

After staring at the paper for a while, trying to get my temper back under control, I went out and found him and very calmly explained that if he wasn’t willing to sign the contract then I would take it as his resignation. I sent him home. I sent him a cheque for the five weeks he had worked and went back to looking for a new hire.

Here’s the kicker: He then decided to sue me for the “six weeks vacation pay” he believed he was entitled to. The judge laughed him out of the courtroom.

(I work at a civil division court office.)

Plaintiff: *explains backstory as to what brought him there* “I want to sue for an apology.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you cannot sue for an apology. You can only sue for a monetary value.”

Plaintiff: “But I don’t want any money. I only want an apology!”

Me: “Again, sir, you cannot sue for an apology. You have to determine a dollar amount and sue for that.”

(We go back and forth I don’t know how many times, until finally:)

Plaintiff: “FINE! I will sue him for ONE DOLLAR.”

Me: “Okay, good. Now, if I can just get you–”

Plaintiff: “AND AN APOLOGY!”

Me: *headdesk*

(He did actually pay $25 to file a claim for $1. He and the defendant ended up settling out of court, but I was not privy to those proceedings so I’ve always wondered if the plaintiff did, in fact, get his apology.)

(Most of you will be too young to remember the days when someone could go to jail if they had a birth certificate that said, “Male,” and they were caught wearing female clothing. Consequently, Hallowe’en is a HUGE party day for the gay community, which, of course, is very underground at this time. But many people want a special dress for the ball that is held annually, and if you can’t afford a dressmaker, what are you to do? I have some gay friends, so I am familiar with the lifestyle and trials of the times. I also work in the young women’s department. This happens on the weekend before Hallowe’en.)

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you with something?”

Male Customer: “My sister is going to a semi-formal event, and I wanted to buy her dress for her as a surprise. She’s the same size as I am, pretty much.”

Me: “Let me show you what we have in stock.”

(After showing several dresses, which he looks at in great detail, trying to glimpse himself in the mirror with the dress held in front of him…)

Male Customer: “I think this one is nice. Maybe I’ll take it. What do you think?”

Me: “I’d vote against it, sir. The colour doesn’t suit your complexion at all.”

(The customer kind of ducks his head and blushes when he realises that I know what the story is.)

Me: “What I’d suggest for your sister is either this one or one of these two.”

(He decided to take one of the dresses I’d recommended and came back later to tell me he’d had a great time and loved the dress. I was so pleased to be able to make even just one night easier for someone who basically had to live a life of serious pretense in order to stay out of jail or not be beaten up. It isn’t perfect yet, but we have come a long way.)

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(I work for a civil division small claims court, where you sue people for smallish amounts of money and represent yourself in court. An older man comes in the office and up to the service counter with a wheelbarrow. In the wheelbarrow is a burlap sack full of… something.)

Defendant: *after ranting about the case he was involved in with a neighbour/ex-friend and the judgment rendered against him* “I am here to pay my judgment BUT I am paying it in PENNIES! If [Plaintiff] wants his money, FINE, but he’s going to have to work for it!”

Me: *looking at burlap bag and realizing what’s in it* “Um, I’m sorry sir but we cannot accept that here.” *IN MY HEAD: “Never mind the fact that WE would be the ones ‘working’ for it, not the plaintiff!”

Me: “If you wish to bring them to the plaintiff directly you can see if he will accept them.”

(After grumbling a bit more, the defendant leaves. The judgement was $800 so it would have been 80,000 pennies, weighing around 50 pounds. About 30 minutes later I answer the phone and immediately know who I am talking to:)

Plaintiff: “[Defendant] just showed up at my door with a bag full of pennies! Do I have to accept them?”

Me: “Well, sir, you can refuse it but then you will have to take further proceedings to collect on your judgment, such as a garnishment, which will take time and cost money. Monies paid out for further proceedings are recoverable and added onto the judgment, but seeing as the courts are not a guarantee that you will get your money it might be in your best interests to take the pennies.”

Plaintiff: *lots of swearing and ranting about [Defendant] and the case in general*

(In the end the plaintiff took the pennies and had to roll them all by hand because change sorting/rolling machines had not yet been invented for the casual user. I thought to myself then, and still think now, that if I ever got sued and had a judgment against me, that’s exactly the way I would pay it, too!)