(My husband, our four children, and I go out to a restaurant for dinner. We have impressed upon our children the importance of staying put in their chairs when we go out. Unfortunately, one of my children is a squirmer. He stays in the chair, but he twitches and wriggles around. As the waiter walks by, my son suddenly falls out of his chair and onto the ground; this happens all the time at home. The frightened waiter jerks backward, fortunately not spilling anything.)

Waiter: “I didn’t do anything! He just fell! I didn’t touch him, honestly!”

(I hold up my hand. He stops and stares at us with a scared expression as if he’s expecting us to go ballistic and blame him.)

Me: “It’s okay. Honestly. This happens all the time; I know you didn’t do anything. He just… falls out of his chair.”

(The waiter seemed shocked, if relieved, that we weren’t blaming him, and the service was exceptional for the rest of the meal, although I did notice that he went out of his way not to walk behind that particular child’s chair again. We left a big tip to make up for the shock he had received!)

(We are a family restaurant. I believe franchises usually take last order up until closing time, and then lock up after customers are done. We don’t. When customers ask what time we close, we tell them we close and lock up at 10:00 pm. The phone rings while I’m working my shift and I answer.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant].”

Caller: “Hello. What time do you close?”

Me: “We close at 10:00 and it’s only takeout after 9:30.”

Caller: “Okay, thank you. Bye.”

(Fast forward to 9:45 and in walks a couple.)

Customer: “Hey, can we get a table for two?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we only have takeout now; we’re closing soon.”

Customer: “But I called earlier and you said you’re closing at 10:00!”

Me: “…”

(Lady, what did you expect? To order your food, have your food made, eat your food, and leave in 15 minutes? Plus, I don’t think you understand the phrase “takeout after 9:30.” I wish I can say she was the only person, but I almost always have a customer like her when I’m working the closing shift.)

(I’m of Indian descent but first-generation Canadian with no accent — unless you call Canadian an accent, which I don’t. We take calls from other Canadians in the same province as us. This is a regular occurrence:)

Me: “Thank you for calling; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh! Thank God you’re not Indian!”

Me “…”

(I work at a small wine store in the heart of downtown. The store is right at street level and by one of the busiest intersections in the city. As such, odd characters, as well as theft, are daily occurrences, and I get used to them quickly. We also always have samples of wine — corporate policy — for patrons to try our sale items. A man walks into the store.)

Customer: *pointing at a tray of wine samples* “Are these free to try?”

Me: “Of course! Feel free to have one.”

(While the man is enjoying his sample, another guy who regularly steals walks in, grabs some large bottles off the shelf, and leaves quickly.)

Customer: “Did he just steal!?!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty common. And that guy hits us up a few times a week.”

Customer: “D***, it’s that easy?!”

(With that he walked to a shelf, grabbed a bottle, and left. All I could think was, “At least he grabbed a poor-selling item!”)

(I am working behind the customer service counter when a customer comes up to complain about some policy.)

Me: *smiling politely* “I’m so sorry that we can’t do anything about it; we have to follow the policy, too.”

Customer: *crossly* “You don’t look very sorry!”

(I am a moderately good actress and can’t resist the opportunity. Instantly, I crumple up my face into an anguished expression, bring tears to my eyes, and, in quiveringly heartbroken tones, pronounce the following:)

Me: “I am so, so sorry! I am devastated to have to tell you this, but I honestly can do nothing. I wish—” *gulping hard* “—I could do something for you, but there is nothing I can do.”

Customer: *staring with a dropped jaw and bugged out eyes*

Me: *sweetly, in normal voice* “Is that better?”

(The customer closes his mouth, I start laughing, and he joins in.)

Customer: “Wow! You’re an amazing actress!”

(I smile and he grins back.)

Customer: “Well, I guess if you can’t, you can’t, but thanks for the laugh, anyway.”

(And he left with a smile on his face.)

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