I’m the customer in this story. I went to [Popular Big Box Store Chain] location a few weeks ago and purchased two pairs of jeans. I stupidly tried on one pair at the store but not the other, assuming that they would both be fine since they were the same size, even though they were different brands. Sure enough, when I get home, the pair I haven’t tried on is way too big.

I return to the store location to return the larger pair and am directed by a staff member to the returns counter at the back of the store. Since it is a Saturday, it is fairly busy and there are a lot of people ahead of me in line for the returns desk. The desk is being staffed by two store employees processing customer returns, with another employee acting as a “runner” returning sellable product back out to the sales floor. Since I have a bit of a wait, I get to see the customers returning their items ahead of me.

One older gentleman is a few places ahead of me and finally makes it to the returns desk.

Gentleman: “I’d like to return a pair of pants. Here is the receipt.” 

Employee: “Okay, where are the pants, sir?”

Gentleman: “They’re the ones I’m wearing.”

Employee: “You’re wearing them?! You have to give them back to return them, sir!”

Gentleman: “Well, I’ll get another pair. I just don’t like this pair. I’d like to return them.”

Employee: “I guess if you find another pair we can exchange them… but we can’t just give you money back without taking the old pair, and we can’t have you stand around in the store in your underwear!”

Eventually, the desk employee gets the runner involved to take the gentleman to the section and assist him so that he can find another pair to replace the old ones.

I watch the remaining people in line ahead of me make their way to the desk, hoping I end up with the same employee who helped the older man. Fortunately, the timing works out.

Me: “I’d like to return this pair of pants—” *pause* “—that I’m not wearing.”

Employee: *Laughs*

I have to call my bank to ask them a question.

Bank Employee: “Hi, I’m [Employee] from [Bank]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I have a question about a withdrawal that was made from my account.”

Bank Employee: “Not a problem, sir! May I ask you some security questions before we continue?”

Me: “Sure. No problem.”

Bank Employee: “How long have you been a customer of [Bank]?”

Me: “Over forty years, since I was five years old.”

Bank Employee: “Do you remember the date?”

Me: *Puzzled and doing calculations* “I think that was 1976.”

Bank Employee: “No, sir. Do remember the exact date?”

Me: “How am I supposed to remember the date? I was five years old when my parents opened the account!”

After this exchange, my temper started to flare. What a stupid question to ask! So, I just said, “Thank you. I’ll call back later.”

I then discovered that the employee put a security hold on all my accounts, including my credit cards, because, “Customer refused to answer security questions.”

I had to drive all the way to my local branch, and it took them forty-five minutes to sort out the mess and reopen my accounts!

A customer calls in tracking a package they had sent to Russia. We attempted delivery and no one was home. It is a Friday, so the next attempt will be on Monday. He is calling in at 5:00 pm.

Customer: “I tell you, your website is lying! You did not attempt this package! You’re lying to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can, unfortunately, only tell you what we have in our system. We attempted at [time] and we’ll reattempt Monday.”

Customer: “This is unacceptable! I want you to call Moscow right now! Get this delivered right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

At this point, he’s literally screaming.

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Well, firstly, I’m an inbound call centre. I can only make calls to the United States and Canada. And furthermore… due to the time difference, it is currently after midnight in Russia. And they’re closed on weekends. I can open a file for follow up Monday, but that’s it.”

The customer continued to scream and demand I call Russia. He ended up demanding my manager, who advised him the same.

I then found out from a coworker that he called back at 1:00 am to demand we call Russia. He then called back every hour on the hour that Saturday making the same insane demand. The package went out on Monday, was delivered successfully, and would have happened regardless of his behaviour.

Related:
Boris Can See Through You
Boris Now Fights Scammers
Leave The Accents To Boris
Boris Need No Warranty; Boris IS Warranty!
When Boris Busy, Use Marko
In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

My coworker has no kids of his own but has nieces and nephews. He is telling us about taking the kids to a petting zoo.

Coworker: “Do you know that goats smell like Feta cheese?”

Me: “No, [Coworker], Feta cheese smells like goats.”

My cousin learned to speak French at an early age and developed a great interest in French culture. In her mid-twenties, she moved to France, fell in love with a French man, and married him.

A couple of years later, the two of them came back to Canada to visit, and a few of us went to the pub. My cousin perked up visibly as soon as the first pint of beer arrived in front of her, and she was obviously distracted from the conversation by the hockey game on the TV in the corner. Her husband, meanwhile, began to wilt more and more until he was almost pouting. When my cousin looked around and noticed this, she leaned over and the two of them had a brief conversation in French. After this, he didn’t look happy exactly but more resigned than miserable. 

Later, I asked her, “Hey, what was all of that about?”

She shrugged. “Oh, you know, when you’re married to an immigrant, you’re always worried that they miss their home country and they’ll never feel like their adopted culture is really home,” she explained. “When he saw me having fun at the pub in that really Canadian way, it sort of poked him in the insecurity, that’s all.”

“Okay, but what did you say to him?”

“Oh, something like, ‘My darling, I love you, and I love France. I wouldn’t be there with you if I didn’t. But no matter how true that is, I was still born in Canada, and the day that I don’t also love hockey and beer is the day you can put me in the ground.'”

This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

Want to read the next story? Click here!

Want to see the roundup? Click here!