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Murphy’s Law And Customers: Do Not Mix

, , , | Right | July 25, 2008

Customer: “Hey, I’m booked to get the train tomorrow at 0800 to Manchester. Can you tell me if the train will be on time?”

Me: “Good morning. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to predict if it will be on time, but this one is fairly reliable.”

Customer: “How come you can’t just tell me if it’s going to be on time?

Me: “Well, there’s any number of things that could go wrong on the day that I couldn’t predict. For example flooding, the train breaking down, maybe even a sick dri–”

Customer: “Oh, my god! All those things are going to be wrong with the train?”

Me: “No, I’m sure not all that will happen at once. Those are just examples.”

Customer: “So it’s on time, then?”

Me: *Giving up* “Yes, it’ll be on time.”

Customer: “Great, why didn’t you just say that?”

(Sure enough the next day the whole mainline was brought to a standstill by a lorry hitting a rail bridge.)

Customer: “YOU SAID IT WOULD BE ON TIME! NOW I’M GOING TO BE F****** LATE!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I doubt I would have been able to predict that! There will be a bus coming to take you to a different station where you can–”

Customer: *rants abusively*

Manager: “Look, would you just piss off? We are not omniscient! Next time you need to book a train, book it somewhere else!”

Customer: *storms out*

And The Angels Sang

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2008

Me: *on overhead* “Good evening, shoppers. The time is now 11 pm and your shopping center is now closed for the evening. Please bring all final purchases to the lit registers and thank you for shopping with us. Good night.”

(Five minutes later…)

Customer: “Can I still check out?”

Cashier: *next to me* “Yes, come on in.”

Customer: “I need to check some prices on a few items, can you do that for me?”

Cashier: “I think everyone in that department has gone home, but I can check for you.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Cashier: “That will be $174.34, please.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have enough money. Can I write you an IOU? I shop here all the time.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t take IOUs.”

Customer: “Then can you hold this until the morning, and I can come back?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we can’t hold things overnight. Our policy states we can’t do that.”

Customer: “So, what… you’re trying to kick me out of the store?!”

Cashier: “No, ma’am. If you’d like to take a few things off to afford your purchase, I’d be more than happy to check you out.”

Customer: “FINE! I’m done!” *storms out of the store*

Me: *on overhead* “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”


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Even Customers Have A Stupid Quota

, , , | Right | July 11, 2008

Customer: “What time is tax assistance here?”

Me: “They are here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 12 to 2 o’clock.”

Customer: “Okay, so they’re here Tuesday through Thursday, from 12 to 2 o’clock?”

Me: “No, sir, only on Tuesday and Thursday.”

Customer: “Okay, Tuesday and Thursday, all day long?”

Me: “No, sir, only from noon until 2.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me that they are here from noon to 2?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And that’s on Mondays and Tuesdays?”

Me: “No, sir… ”

(Before I can say anything further, the person behind him explodes…)

Another Customer: “It’s here on Tuesday and Thursday from 12 to 2! I don’t even know what the @#$% you are asking about, but I’ve figured out what time it happens! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

Customer: *slinks away*

Neverending Query

, , , | Right | July 10, 2008

(The phone rings at 11 pm, although our restaurant has been closed since 10 pm.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to place an order for delivery.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re closed.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. Why are you answering the phone?”

Me: “I have to. Even though we’re closed, we still might get important phone calls.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand. Why are you closed?”

Me: “We have regular business hours to follow, and on weekdays we’re only open till 10 pm.”

Customer: “But I don’t understand… Why are you answering the phone if you’re closed, then?”

Me: *face desk*

(It went in circles like that for about ten minutes. I finally got tired of her ‘why’ questions and it had really had been a horrible night… so, I hung up the phone.)

Me: *to other employees* “You wouldn’t believe this lady…”

*phone rings*

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “So, why are you still answering the phone if you’re closed?”

Me: *multiple face desks*


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The War Of 1812 Redux

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2008

(I’ve just finished setting up this individual’s service call to get a technician out to his house. I flub a few words, because it’s 2 in the morning.)

Me: “So the technician will be out sometime between 8 and 6 pm next Tuesday, then.”

Customer: “Is this call center located in The United States of America?”

Me: “Actually, we’re outsourced. I’m in Canada.”

Customer: “BECAUSE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 6 COMES BEFORE 8 YOU STUPID F**K. BE HAPPY THAT I DON’T DISCONNECT MY SERVICE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU G***D**N FOREIGNER!”

Me: “…thank you for calling, have a great day!”

Customer: *hangs up*


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