Someone Who Actually Lives Under A Rock

, , | Right | April 27, 2008

(A man has been waiting for a table at a full restaurant for fifteen minutes. A family of four walks in with reservations and is immediately seated. The man approaches the hostess.)

Man: “I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes. Why were they seated before me?”

Hostess: “I’m sorry, sir, but they called to reserve a table.”

Man: “What, just because they called they get a table right when they come in?”

Hostess: “Yes, sir, they called ahead to reserve a table.”

Man: “Well, that’s dumb! So if I go outside and call can I come back in and get a table right now?”

Hostess: “No, sir, I’m sorry, but we require at least a couple hours notice for reservations.”

Man: “Well that’s God-d*** stupid! So he calls and gets a table right away, but I can’t call and get a table? What the h*** is wrong with this place?”

*man storms out*

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Why (Good) Regulars Really Rock

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2008

(A man walks into the store with a broken appliance in a bag.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve had this for about a month now and it broke, so I want a refund.”

Me: “Sir, we’re a liquidation store. All sales are final, but I can replace this item for you.”

(A coworker of mine grabs another one off the shelf and switches it for the customer.)

Customer: “How do I know this one won’t break down in a month like the last one?”

Me: “That’s the thing, we don’t know. If I had some kind of time acceleration chamber, we could put it in there, dial it up to one month from now and see how it’s doing.”

Customer: “Pfft! So what am I supposed to do, take it home and use it for a month and come back if it doesn’t work?”

Me: “Either that, or stay here for the next month.”

Customer: “What about my gas money I spend coming back and forth?”

Me: “Driving your car is a luxury, you could take the bus!”

(At this point a line was forming behind the customer…and the customers in line were regulars who are always joking around with me.)

Old Man: “I rode a horse here today!”

Old Woman: “I rode a mule!”

Customer: *takes his new product and storms out*

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Bribery (Adjusted For Inflation)

, , , , , | Right | March 23, 2008

(A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wiis. The conversation went as follows…)

Man: “Where do you keep your Wiis at?”

Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”

Man: “When you gettin’ some?”

Me: “No idea, man. They just ship them to us… We are getting them about once a week, but there’s no set date or anything like that.”

Man: “Uh-huh… so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”

Me: “No… I don’t know the date.”

Man’s Wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”

(They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)

Man: “Hey, buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wiis comes in, I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

Me: *in a very childlike excited tone* “Twenty dollars?! Really, mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!”

Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”


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Captain Obvious’ Evil Twin

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2008

(My coworker is approached at the till by a woman, somewhere in her 40s.)

Customer: “How long does your one-hour service take?”

(My coworker looks at me, and without missing a beat…)

Me: “A week.”

Customer: “Oh, nevermind then.” *walks off*

(The coworker and I look at each other and start to laugh.)

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Ah, The Magic of Pavlov

, , | Right | December 5, 2007

(We have a clock at the wild animal park that chimes every fifteen minutes. A guest walked up to my ticket booth and asked me a question…)

Guest: “What do those chimes mean?”

Me: “Those tell us what time it is.”

Guest: “Oh. Does that mean we have to leave the park?”

Me: (I’m trying really hard not to laugh) “No. It’s only noon and the park closes at 8 pm.”

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