Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment

, , | Right | August 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “How long is your wait right now?”

Me: “There is no wait at the moment.”

Caller: “What does that mean?”

Me: “That you don’t have to wait for a table.”

Caller: “But how long is the wait?”

Me: “There is none. You will be seated right away.”

Caller: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me!”

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Perhaps You Can Blame A Guy For Trying

, , | Right | June 1, 2009

(On Tuesdays, we have a buy-one, get-one-free deal on medium pizzas. The day this exchange happened was a Thursday.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza, please.”

Me: “Okay, then. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “Well, I wasn’t here on Tuesday, so I was wondering if I could get my second free pizza today?”

Me: “Well, the deal is only applicable on Tuesdays, so I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

Customer: “Okay, well, I won’t be here next Tuesday, so can I get my free one from then?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but the deal on is only available on TUESDAYS.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll be back in a bit to get my pizza.”

(He leaves, then comes back ten minutes later.)

Customer: “So… say I woke up this morning and thought it was Tuesday?”

Me: “…”

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Now With Smarch And Gebruary!

, , | Right | May 25, 2009

Customer: “Do you have any calendars?”

Me: “Yes, they’re right behind you.”

Customer: *looks at several calendars* “This says 16 months. What does that mean?”

Me: “Well, it has the last four months of 2008, and then all of 2009.”

Customer: “But there are only 12 months in a year.”

Me: “I know. It has a whole year on it and then part of the previous year.”

Customer: “So what are the extra months again?”

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Stupidity On Tap

, , , , | Right | May 22, 2009

(I get a phone call at about 8:00 pm on a weeknight. The caller is a young man, and in the background I hear music and hysterical giggling.)

Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “9 o’clock tonight.”

Caller: “Oh, s***! Umm… okay, can you just ring me up for a keg with my credit card, and then leave it outside?”

Me: “…the keg?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “What? Why?!”

Me: “…for a variety of reasons.”

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Sometimes, Ignorance Really Is Bliss

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(A customer has called to redeem the points earned on her credit card in exchange for return airfare from Montreal, Quebec, to Chicago, Illinois. I have just given her the flight departure and arrival times.)

Customer: “Why is the flight going there so short? You said it was a 90-minute flight.”

Me: “The times are given in their respective time zones. We are in the Eastern time zone, but Chicago is one hour behind us, and it’s in the Central time zone. The flight really is 90 minutes long, it just looks shorter due to the time difference.”

Customer: “Time… zones?”

Me: “Yes, we have five time zones: Maritimes, Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific Time. In your case, there is a one hour difference between each zone. If it is 11:00 am here, it is only 10:00 am in Chicago. So when your flight arrives in Chicago at 11:30 am, that is Chicago time. In Montreal it will actually be 12:30 pm, so the flight is an hour and a half.”

Customer: “Then why is the return flight so long? It’s like, an hour longer than the way there!”

Me: “Again, it is the difference between the time zones, only in reverse. It only looks as though the flight is longer but it’s also a 90-minute flight. It adds an hour on the return flight because you are coming back East.”

Customer: “I still don’t get it; the flight should be the same time in both directions. It’s 30 minutes to get there, but more than two hours to get back!”

(After 20 minutes of more explaining I give up.)

Me: “For the flight to Chicago, the wind is at your back, so the plane goes really fast. On the way back, it’s against the wind, and so the plane goes slower.”

Customer: “Oh! Well, that makes much more sense. Thank you!”

Me: “I do my best. Have a good trip, ma’am.”

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