I work in online grocery for a major grocer. We get the orders the morning of the day they are requested and prep them throughout the day based on the hour they’re scheduled for.

I get a phone call from a customer.

Customer: “Is my order ready yet?”

I find her order in our system.

Me: “No, ma’am. Your order isn’t scheduled to be ready for another three hours.”

Customer: “Oh, but the people at [Other Branch] have it ready early.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t, ma’am. We have others to get ready first. I can call you when your order is ready if you’d like.”

She sounds inconvenienced and annoyed.

Customer: “No, just cancel it, please.”

Me: “…All right.”

I work for a pet daycare. Clients are occasionally late, and we have no choice but to stay late waiting past closing with their dogs. One lady comes in ten minutes after we close.

Manager: “Ma’am, we closed ten minutes ago.”

Client: “Oh, sorry, I was on the phone out there for about twenty minutes.”

Manager: “Well then, f*** you very much, ma’am.”

Client: “I beg your pardon?!”

Manager: “You kept us all past closing because you thought your phone call was more important than all of us going home on time. F*** you. You’re no longer welcome here.” 

Client: “I will be calling your manager about how you’ve spoken to me!”

Manager: “I’m the visiting district manager. Buck stops with me. Your dog is lovely; be more like them in the future. Bye now.”

 The manager locked the door behind them and reminded us we could do that to any customer that admitted to being late for no good reason.

We have someone scheduled to come in the afternoon for a job interview. It’s been more than an hour since the appointed time and he has yet to show up or call. The manager assumes he won’t be appearing at this point and proceeds to leave the restaurant so she can make a weekly trip to the bank.

While she is gone, a man we recognize as the potential new hire enters the building, now ninety minutes later than expected. My coworker greets him at the counter.

Applicant: “Hi, I’m [Applicant]. I’m supposed to be here for a job interview.”

[Coworker] hands him a complimentary drink cup.

Coworker: “Hi there. Just to let you know, our boss isn’t in at the moment; she had to make a drive to the bank. She should be back any minute now if you want to have a drink on us and take a seat. I’ll let her know you’re waiting as soon as she gets back.”

Applicant: “Okay, thank you.”

He filled his cup and then immediately went out the door. Guess he needed the pop more than the job?

I’m trying to schedule an appointment with a client who “absolutely needs to see me ASAP.”

Client: “I don’t know a set time. I may want to go to the gym and stuff. Just keep your phone on, and I’ll call you a half-hour before I want to meet.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I have other commitments and other clients I need to meet with that day. If we could set a time, that would be appreciated.”

Client: “Fine! Why don’t we all just work around your schedule?!”

I used to work as an usher at a live theater. After work, for about two years without fail, a group of us would travel across the street to a popular sit-down restaurant. Because I was a poor high school student, I would get the smallest thing I could, which was a chocolate milkshake with a free side of chips (no salsa).

The issue was that I prefer to eat my milkshake with a spoon; I hate sucking your brains out with those tiny restaurant straws. So, when I ordered, I would say, “Chocolate milkshake, no whipped cream, with a spoon!” I went there for about two years while working as an usher, and it was always the same: “Milkshake with a spoon.” It soon became obvious that my spoon request had spread around the waiters as they would smile and say, “Oh, it’s you! I’ve heard about the spoon. I got ya.”

I ended up traveling abroad for a while and jumping around to other jobs. I didn’t go back to that place until there was a meetup of all the old friends who still lived in the area. This was about three years after my last time setting foot in that restaurant.

We sat down, and I noticed that I vaguely recognized the waiter serving us. He definitely recognized me; he looked up to take my order and said:

Waiter #1: “SPOON MAN! YOU’RE BACK!”

Needless to say, my friends grilled me on this new nickname.

Fast forward seven years. I am now a newlywed. We are looking for what to eat in the area and land on a familiar restaurant. We sit down in the same booth I used to sit in, and I look around, eager to see if I recognize anyone. Nope, no one from before — all new staff. My wife notices I’m kind of disappointed and asks why. As I’m about to answer, our waiter arrives and asks what we would like. We get through our order, and I’m feeling nostalgic, so I add on:

Me: “A chocolate milkshake, no whipped cream with a spoon.”

The waiter starts to chuckle a bit until he sees my face and that I’m completely serious. His mouth drops open and he says, almost reverently:

Waiter #2: “Holy s***… Spoon Man?”

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