Our call wait times are slightly longer than usual, but I haven’t had a caller wait longer than twenty minutes today.

Caller: “I’ve been on hold for over an hour!

I ignore the lie as I can see he’s been waiting for fourteen minutes.

Me: “I apologize for the wait time, sir. We are busier than usual today. How can I help you, sir?

Caller: “You had me on hold for almost two hours, and that is unacceptable! What will you do for me?”

Me: “As I said, sir, I apologise for the time you had to wait on hold, but you’re through to an agent now, so I will do everything I can to assist you with your query.”

Caller: “This is ridiculous! You have us poor people on hold for almost three hours, and you won’t even do anything to compensate us! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I can get them on the line for you. Hold, please.”

I link my manager to my call, but I can still hear the conversation.

Manager: “Sir, I am told you wish to complain about the hold times?”

Caller: “Yes! I was on hold for four f****** hours and your agent isn’t doing anything for me!”

Manager: “Sir, all we can do is apologize for the time you had to wait, but you’re through to us now and we’re happy to help with your query. I must ask you not to swear or use abusive language, as we have a one-warning policy to protect our staff—”

Caller: “I’ve been on hold for five hours, and I demand f****** compensation for this!”

Manager: “Sir, at the rate your hold time keeps increasing, I fear it’ll be longer than phones have actually been invented by the time you’re done complaining. I don’t think our lines are equipped to handle that kind of paradox, so I am going to terminate this call if you’re unable to calm down.”

Caller: “I’ve been on hold for six f****** hours and—”

 Manager: *Click*

This happened in the summer of 2015. Two customers entered the store wishing to return an item that was worth several hundred dollars.

Cashier: “May I see your receipt, please?”

When they handed it to the cashier, she looked at the date.

It was dated several months before, in March, so it was beyond the return window. I don’t know if these customers thought they could somehow beat the system; in the 2015 part of the date, they changed the five to a six with a pen. That would make the purchase date the next year.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to do this return.”

The customers got rather angry.

Customers: “We’re returning it in time, so we want our money back!”

This cashier had quite the personality, so she pointed at the receipt and said:

Cashier: “Well, according to this receipt, this item hasn’t been purchased yet. The date is 2016.”

The customers angrily snatched their receipt and item back, yelling that they’d make a complaint as they left the store.

Nothing was ever heard from the customers again. They probably took their Time Machine back home.

My father once scheduled an appointment at his doctor’s office. He’s a lawyer (he had his own firm at the time), and he scheduled the appointment on an extended lunch break. The doctor’s appointment was at 1:00 pm, and he kept his schedule clear until 2:30 pm.

He called a few days in advance to confirm the time. He also called that day, shortly before lunch, to confirm the time. He showed up as directed, about fifteen minutes before, introduced himself, and waited.

And waited.

Around 1:30, he was called up and admitted to the office… where he waited.

And waited.

Finally, at about 2:00 pm — over an hour after he arrived — a nurse came in.

Nurse: “The doctor will see you shortly.”

Dad patiently (no pun intended) informed them that he had work to get back to and left.

The office tried to bill him for breaking the appointment. He responded by informing them of his (big city law firm) hourly rate and telling them that if they intended to bill him for breaking the appointment, then he intended to bill them for his time if they were that late again — noting that he’d confirmed they weren’t behind schedule before coming over.

They didn’t bill him for breaking the appointment. They also never held him up like that again.

When I plan an appointment, the system always sends an automatic email to the client with the date and time. This is something I cannot prevent. In some cases, I need to change the date for the appointment by hand. If this is a change I discuss with the client on the line, I always tell them, “Ignore the automatic email; it will give the old date. The new date is…” This almost always goes well. Sometimes people forget about what I said and a quick reminder is all that is needed. 

Not in this case. The woman I’m talking to has told me multiple times to not treat her like a fool; she is highly educated. 

Woman: “I received an email stating [old date], but you told me it was [new date].”

Me: “That is correct. That is—”

Woman: “Then why did you send an email with [old date]?”

Me: “Well, the new date is [new date]. I—”

Woman: “But the email says [old date]!”

Me: “Yes, but as I—”

Woman: “And I do not accept [old date]!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is [new date]. When we talked yesterday, I told you I would change the date manually and that you could ignore the date in the automatic email.”

Woman: “And then you send me an email with [old date]!”

Me: “That was the automatic email. You may ignore that date. I already changed it manually to [new date].”

Woman: “Then why did you send me an email with [old date]?”

Me: “Because that email was sent before I changed the date manually. I first need to make the appointment, which triggers the automatic email, and then I can change the date manually.”

Woman: “Then you should have put the right date in that email.”

Me: “I couldn’t, because the email was already sent then.”

Woman: “Well, then you should have changed it afterward!”

Me: “I can’t change the date in an email already sent, ma’am.”

Woman: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I would then need to go on your computer and edit the email from there.”

Woman: “So?”

Me: “That would be kind of illegal?”

Woman: “I don’t see why. You made a mistake; now fix it!”

I just send a manual email saying, “Your appointment was changed to [new date].” She still wanted me to edit an already-sent email.

Related:
Email Fail, Part 43
Email Fail, Part 42
Email Fail, Part 41
Email Fail, Part 40
Email Fail, Part 39

Our store closes at 11:00 pm. We have some repeat offender customers who always come in around 10:55 pm and delay our closing duties for sometimes up to half an hour. We have one of those annoying corporate policies that says we’re not allowed to rush customers, but my manager has finally had enough.

Manager: *Approaching the customers* “You might want to make those purchases before 11:30 pm.”

Entitled Customer: “Why? Are you gonna tell me the registers shut off, because I know they don’t.”

Manager: “No. At 11:30 pm, we release the hounds.”

With perfect timing, the security guard walked past with one of the security dogs, who was sniffing around and full of energy. The customers went a little pale and decided it was time to make their purchase.

The customers never stayed late again, the manager and security guard never admitted that their perfect timing wasn’t intentional (although they never denied it), and the great big ball of friendly fluff that was Mungo the German shepherd got infinite treats on his closing rounds.