(I work as a magical clown at a theme park aimed at children aged eight and under. Between shows I wander around the park chatting to everyone, drumming up interest for my next performance. The weather this day has quite a bit of rain. I happen to pass by the medieval castle where a small party of school children are standing under the parapet. Their escort, a cast member dressed as Captain Hook, is trying to stop them from doing something.)

Captain Hook: “Stop that. It’s not clean!”

(The children are stood under some guttering that is leaking. The rain run-off from the parapet is flowing out of the gap in the guttering, and into the mouths of the children stood below.)

Captain Hook: “Please, stop it!”

Kid #1: “It’s just rain water.”

Me: “Hey kids!” *they turn and look at me* “You see Robin Hood and his friends up there?”

(I point up to the top of the castle, where cast members dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men are placed.)

Kids: “Yeah?”

Me: “Well, they live up there on the tower. They don’t have a toilet up there, unfortunately, so when they need to go for a wee, where do you think they go?”

Kid #2: “Over the wall?”

Me: “No, they go on the floor. Now, all that wee then runs off through the gaps in the wall into the guttering…”

Kids: “Oh…” *realizes* “EWWWWW!” *cue much spitting*

Me: *to Captain Hook* “Lying to kids is the best part of my job!”

(We get a lot of people from different countries or other states who know nothing about Texas.)

Tourist: “So is the Alamo like out in the desert or something?”

Me: “Oh, have ya’ll not been downtown yet? It’s pretty much smack dab in the middle of the city.”

Tourist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “It’s not like in the movie. The city has grown around it,. It’s actually one of the more boring missions that’s pretty much completely covered by urban sprawl. I you want to see more traditional missions you should try San Jose or the other ones in the National Park areas.”

(They’re silent for awhile while I guess they’re having trouble with the term ‘missions.’)

Tourist: “Where’s your desert, anyway?”

Me: “Um… Like, 400 miles west of here?”

Tourist: “So, we’re not in Texas yet?”

(Whenever we have a child that seems to be too short to ride the go-karts, we tell the parents we need to size them on one of the karts. Doing so with her mother watching over my shoulder, this little girl is barely too short to press the brake pedal hard enough.)

Me: “I’m sorry. She’s not quite tall enough. She can reach the gas, but can’t press the brakes hard enough.”

Mother: “So…?”

Me: “I can’t let her ride.”

Mother: “But she can press the pedals. Yes?”

Me: “Yes, but she can’t press the brake pedal hard enough to engage it. It takes a bit of pressure.”

Mother: “So why can’t she go? If she can press the pedals, then she can make the kart go.”

Me: “Yes… but she couldn’t get the brakes to work.”

Mother: “But she can go! So what if she doesn’t press the brakes enough?”

Me: “…she won’t be able to slow or stop without them.”

Mother: “Oh! That’s what that does?”

(I work in one of the gift shops at a popular UK theme park. One day I notice a little girl, probably no older than eight, wandering around our shop unattended quite late in the day.)

Me: “Hi sweetie, are you all right there?”

(The girl just bursts into tears.)

Girl: “I’ve lost my mummy and daddy!”

Me: “Okay, okay. Well, don’t worry; I’ll help you look for them.”

(I take her over to a stool we’ve been using to stock up and get her sat down. I let my coworker know to inform security so they can issue a park announcement and come take over the situation.)

Me: “Now, here’s some tissues, and some water. Do you like sweets?”

Girl: “Yeah. Coke bottles are my favourite.”

Me: “Me, too! Tell you what: you clear up those tears, and we’ll fill up a pick’n’mix bucket for you, okay?”

(She smiles a bit and nods, and starts blowing her nose. About 10 minutes pass, and the girl has calmed a little bit. I’m told that security are all of a few minutes away, when a couple come into the shop.)

Mother: “[Girl], there you are! How DARE you run away from us!”

Girl: “I got stuck behind some people—”

Father: “Don’t you interrupt your mother, you little cow!”

Me: “Ah, excuse me? I take it you’re this little girl’s parents?”

(They both look at me with a mix of disgust and shock.)

Mother: “What’s it to you?”

Me: “Well, I’m not a parent, but if I’d lost my daughter I wouldn’t be insulting and yelling at her, especially since she’s literally just stopped crying.”

Father: “You rude little s***! Who do you think you are?!”

(The father gets a tap on the shoulder by the security team that has just arrived.)

Security Guy #1: “Well at a guess, I’d say this is the staff member who found your daughter and has been looking after her.”

(The girl holds up her bucket of cola bottles, squashed down as far as we can get them.)

Girl: “He let me have all of these sweets!”

Mother: “We better not have to pay for them!”

(I just about hold my tongue, but the security guys say what I am thinking.)

Security Guy #2: “Are you for real? You lose your kid and you’re worried about paying for a bunch of cola bottles?!”

Security Guy #1: “Tell you what: any complaints or questions you have we’ll sort out at the security office with all the other paper work, and let these guys get back to their jobs.”

(Just as they left, the girl gave me a hug and said ‘thank you.’ I don’t know what happened to her, but I hope the parents eventually saw sense as to what’s important in life.)

(My cheap dad and I are in line for a roller coaster. I am deathly afraid.)

Me: “Nooo, I don’t wanna go!”

Dad: “I paid for these tickets, so you have to go!”

(When it’s our turn, my dad forces me onto the seat despite the stares of everyone. The car starts going up a steep hill very slowly.)

Me: *near tears* “Noooo! I’m going to be sick! I’m going to faint!”

Dad: “Don’t be sick, and don’t faint! Look at the view, isn’t it pretty?”

Me: “No, it’s not! I hate you for making me do this!”

Dad: “Don’t close your eyes; you’re wasting my money!”