Theme Bark

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Bad Behavior

(I work security at a theme park. A guest tries to rush past me to get in after the park has closed, and we have closed all the entrance gates.)

Me: “Sir, this is an exit only.”

Guest: “I’m looking for my brother.”

Me: “This is an exit only, and they’re pushing everybody out.”

Guest: *yelling* “I’m looking for my brother. You can walk with me if you want.”

(I’m not allowed to leave my spot, because I’m the only one out there to make sure nobody comes back in, though I do have a little leeway as to how far away I can get, as long as I don’t go more than a couple yards away.)

Me: “How old is your brother?”

Guest: *still yelling* “Old, but he’s got two kids he’s having trouble with.”

Me: “Sir, I can’t let—”

Guest: “You can walk with me if you want.”

(He starts rushing off, and I’m about to call my sergeant over for a “disorderly conduct” when I notice him already walking over, and point to the guest. The guest turns around, having spotted his brother.)

Guest: “He’s right there. You could have just walked with me.”

(My sergeant’s gotten to the guest by this point, and speaks with him. I can’t hear what they’re saying, because I’m too far away, and there are still a decent number of people leaving. The guy leaves, and my sergeant comes over.)

Me: “I was just about to call you for a [radio code] when I saw you coming this way.”

Sergeant: “Yeah, I heard a guy yelling, and thought it was at his kid. When I turned around and saw he was yelling at you, I started making my way over.”

Me: “He blew up barely after I told him he couldn’t come in the second time.”

Sergeant: “He completely changed his attitude when he saw me.”

(My sergeant is a big guy; about six feet tall, maybe an inch or two more, and about the size of a football player. I haven’t learned what he said to the guy yet.)


Hope They’re Just Pulling Your Trunk

| GA, USA | Pets & Animals, Popular

(The theme park I am employed at happens to have animals, one of which is a 75 year old elephant, who is incredibly lazy and likes to lay on her side.)

Me: *dispensing hay to the elephant’s feeding area*

Guest: “Ma’am, your hippo is dead.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guest: “Your HIPPO is DEAD!”

(Deadpan, looks at the elephant she is referring to.)

Me: “You’re dumb.”


This Customer Has A Latte Problems, Part 2

| Orlando, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I sell and prepare often pricey coffee from another well known company. We sell baked goods as well, including sandwiches.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you have any turkey sandwiches?”

Me: *looking at the case, it features ham, sausage, bacon, and a vegetarian option as well* “Sorry, those are the only options we have available. Will one of them be okay?”

Customer: “I guess but can you customize the sandwich for me at least. I don’t like croissants.”

Me: “Unfortunately the sandwiches are prepackaged so we can’t do that but we can remove anything that you like from any one that you choose.”

Customer: “Fine, the bacon gouda with no bacon and no cheese. And a cappuccino as well.”

(After the order is paid for and received they come back.)

Customer: “My sandwich was fine but there is no milk in my cappuccino. It’s all foam.”

Me: “Cappuccinos are mostly foam and only half milk.”

Customer: “That’s not true. It’s supposed to be the other way around.”

Me: “Then you want a latte.”

Customer: “NO! It’s a cappuccino!”

(This back and forth went on for a bit, so in the end I made a latte with the code of a cappuccino and the customer walked away happy in their ignorance.)

This Customer Has A Latte Problems


| CA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am working the register at a sandwich shop at a theme park. A customer walks in with her mother.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Do y’all have turkey sandwiches?”

Me: “Yes, we do. It comes with your choice of chips, salad, or fruit.”

Customer: “Salad. I am on a diet so I can’t have any fat. By the way is your bread on the turkey sandwich fat free?”

Me: “Yes, I believe so. I can go ask our chef if you would like.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I think you are right. Is your turkey fat free?”

Me: “Yes, our turkey is lean, cooked and sliced right here.”

Customer: “Oh, that sounds good. Also are your tomatoes fat free?”

(At this point, the coworkers around me and this woman’s mother are stifling laughs.)

Me: “Yes… they are definitely fat free.”

Customer: *to her mother* “See, ma, I am doing this diet thing right.”

Me: “Might I mention that we have a mustard sauce on our sandwich that is not fat free, and includes mayo. Would you like me to get you one without it?”

Customer: “No. How can you eat a sandwich without mayo?”

The Biggest Space Is Between Their Ears

| Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Tourists/Travel

(I work at a certain mountain based sci-fi rollercoaster in a magical themed park run by a mouse. Every night at 10 pm, we have a fireworks show. One night, I am standing at greeter position. Five minutes before the fireworks show; I am approached by a guest.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how could I be of assistance?”

Guest: “Yeah, could you tell me what’s in here?” *pointing at the building containing the rollercoaster*

Me: “Oh, yes, that’s [Space-themed Roller Coaster Mountain]. It’s an indoor rollercoaster. The wait time is currently—”

Guest: “Wait, so, it’s not for the fireworks?”

Me: “Afraid not. The fireworks will be visible from out here, though, if you wanted to see them.”

Guest: “I really thought there was some special viewing area up there for the fireworks.”

Me: *looking at the giant concrete structure with no platforms, windows, or balconies* “Unfortunately not, friend. In fact once inside you’ll be completely unable to see the fireworks, seeing as the whole thing is indoors.”

Guest: “Oh. Wait why are there people going in then?”

Me: “Well, they’re going in to ride the rollercoaster.”

Guest: “But the fireworks are about to start.”

Me: “They won’t be watching the fireworks.”

Guest: “But why? They start in five minutes!”

Me: “I guess they don’t want to see them then.”

Guest: *after a long pause* “Well, that’s really stupid, then.”

(Without any hesitation, the guest then proceeded to get in line for the ride, and walked into the building.)

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