(At the moment, there is a one-man play showing at my theatre. There is no music, no sound effects, or even a microphone, so it is very quiet. One patron has been coughing quite loudly for the last 10 minutes or so of the performance. It’s annoying, but it’s November and a lot of people are ill.)

Rude Patron: “I want to make a complaint. All the way through the show there was this dreadful woman coughing, very loudly. You should have people inside the auditorium to stop that sort of thing! It ruined the whole play!”

Me: “I’m very sorry you were disturbed—”

(The rude patron points at the cougher in question; she’s a woman and is walking past both of us.)

Rude Patron: “There! That’s her! That’s the awful woman who wouldn’t stop coughing!”

Woman: “I hope when you have cancer people treat you the same way!”

Rude Patron: *scuttles away shamefully*

Employee: “Hi, thank you for calling [ticket agency]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I was attempting to buy tickets online for the [event] pre-sale, but your website was not working.”

Employee: “Was there an error message or anything?”

Me: “Yeah, it said my request could not be approved.”

Employee: “Oh, we’ve had a number of callers complaining about this. Try again and it should work.”

Me: “I’ve tried three times and it hasn’t gone through. Is there anything else? Can I buy them on the phone?”

Employee: “You cannot buy tickets at this time over the phone. If you wish to purchase tickets over the phone, you will have to wait until tomorrow.”

Me: “Even though your website is not working?”

Employee: “Correct.”

Me: “So, I can’t buy tickets for the pre-sale over the phone right now; I can only buy them online? But your website isn’t working, so it is impossible for me to buy them online, or to even buy them at all until I can buy them over the phone during the general sale that starts tomorrow.”

Employee: “Yes, that is correct.”

Me: “Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a pre-sale?”

Employee: *long pause* “…Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

(My boyfriend is very sweet and usually a very intelligent guy. He is kind of clueless when it comes to girls in general. We are sitting and talking during a rehearsal for a play we were both in, and we get on the topic of costumes and make-up for the performance.)

Me: “I’m going to need a bit more stage make-up for my face for opening night. I keep finding these little scabs on my face and I don’t know where they come from. It’s probably just from scratching pimples.”

Boyfriend: “Or, maybe you just cut yourself shaving.”

(I stare at him, somewhat confused and hurt at his comment. He just looks back at me as if he doesn’t know what he said.)

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “…You know that women don’t normally shave their faces, right?”

Boyfriend: “They don’t!?”

Me: “No! We don’t! You honestly thought we did?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t know! I mean, I know you shave your legs and armpits and stuff, so I just thought maybe you guys shaved your face really well every day or something.”

(I’m about to respond, when we’re both called on stage to continue practice. I don’t get a chance to talk to him again until we get in the car to go back home.)

Me: *laughing* “I still can’t believe you thought women shaved their faces.”

Boyfriend: “Well, how was I supposed to know? I mean, they’ve got bearded ladies at the circus and stuff.”

Me: “There’s a reason they’re in the circus!”

Me: “Thank you for calling the [Company] Festival. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Oh, thank God! I need help! Your website is terrible. I can’t do anything on it! All I want to do is book my damn tickets. This is f***ing disgusting.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble! I can help you book your seats. What show are you interested in?”

Caller: “I just can’t do anything on it. I can’t even find the calendar. You really need to be more accessible. This is the worst website I have ever seen! Who the h*** made this trash?”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss. If you are having this much trouble, I would be more than happy to help you order over the phone. It will only take a—”

Caller: “NO!”

Me: “No?”

Caller: “Tell me how to do this. I’m not a stupid old crone.”

Me: “Sure! I can guide you through the process. Are you on our website at this moment?”

Caller: “Of course I’m f***ing on your website!”

Me: “Okay, then. The first thing I want you to do is login. I can create a temporary username and password on this end for you to use.”

Caller: “Login?”

Me: “At the very top of the page it should say ‘Welcome, please login.’ I want you to click that message.”

Caller: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “It should be in big bold red letters, right above our logo.”

Caller: “Don’t be stupid. All it says is ‘Google!'”

(As you can imagine, the call went on for quite some time before I finally convinced her to let me book her order over the phone!)

(Every month at our theatre, we receive a few boxes of new ticket stock which weighs about 25 lbs a box. I currently have a cast on my left arm.)

Me: “Hey, can you help me move these to the shelf? It’s hard to lift them one handed.”

Coworker: “Mmmm… not right now.”

Me: “What? Why? It would take literally two minutes of your time.”

Coworker: “But I’m reading ‘Not Always Working’!”

Me: “Ah… I see?”

Coworker: “Just take your cast off and do it yourself.”

Me: “But I can’t just pull it off—”

Coworker: “This s*** is hilarious. I’m glad I don’t work with these jerks.”