Speak For Yourselves, Part 2

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2008

Elderly Lady #1: “Now, what are the prices like for this show?”

Coworker: “Well, they’re-”

Elderly Lady #2: “Don’t tell us it’s expensive! I don’t want to spend too much money!”

Coworker: *holds out price sheet* “Here are the–”

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, would you look at that. Look at those prices. Now where are these seats?”

Coworker: “Those are right-”

Elderly Lady #2: “No, we don’t want to sit there. It’s too far in the back.”

Coworker: “Actually, ma’am, they’re–”

Elderly Lady #1: “Those seats are okay… they’re in the middle.”

Elderly Lady #2: “Do they have anything closer on an aisle?”

Coworker: “Unfortunately– ”

Elderly Lady #1: “What do you need to be closer for? Those seats are fine. George and Harry will like them.”

Elderly Lady #2: “Yes, but I’d rather be able to sit as far from Martha as possible.”

Elderly Lady #1: “Ah, yes… we don’t like Martha. She talks so much you can never get a word in!”

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The Knights Of Ni Say Boo

, | Right | July 24, 2008

(Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

Sandwich Seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

Audience Member: “What flavour are they?”

Sandwich Seller: “… spam.”


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Oh Customer, Wherefore Art Thou

, , , | Right | May 27, 2008

(I was working as an usher on the door, directing people to their seats.)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re lost, Mummy.”

Customer: “I know. How do we get out of here?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we’re lost.”

Me: “Lost?”

Customer: “Yes, we can’t find our seats.”

Me: “You’re in C12 & 13. That’s the back row, the two seats in the middle.”

Customer: “Oooooh, okay…”

(I watched as she looked for their seats. She stared right at them… then looked over the edge, up to the balcony, and even at the chandelier! They finally settled down in the nook seats at the side that have zero visibility. I worry about our audiences sometimes.)


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When All Else Fails, Rephrase

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2008

(I’m selling tickets to a show of the High School Musical Tour.)

Customer: “I already have tickets; I just need meet and greet passes for my two girls.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you have to get those from the PR people in the show.”

Customer: “I only need two, though.”

Me: “I understand, but we do not physically have any meet and greet passes here. You can only get them from the show.”

Customer: *snooty* “I’m from Summerlin, though.”

(Summerlin is an upscale, high-class part of Las Vegas.)

Me: “Let me talk to my manager.”

(I walk to the back, count to ten and come back out.)

Me: “My manager said if you go into the show and talk to the PR people, they should have some for you.”

Customer: “Thank you!”


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Keeping Up Appearances

, , | Right | March 2, 2008

(I am working a children’s show at this theatre and this woman is helping a child with special needs. I am closing the theatre when she comes running up to me.)

Woman: “I think I left my phone inside the theatre. Can I just go check?”

(I let her inside and we begin looking where she had been sitting; neither of us can find it. At this point, she is on her knees sitting up, digging through her pockets.)

Woman: “Where the h*** could it have…”

(She freezes and pulls her phone out of her pocket. She looks at it and then THROWS IT UNDER A SEAT. She then bends over and grabs it.)

Woman: “I found it! Thank you so much.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “You’re welcome.”


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