(I am in an adult improv class. Our first public performance is tomorrow night. The teacher is going over what students need to know about the show.)

Student #1: “Do we have to wear shoes tomorrow night for the performance?”

Teacher: “Yes, you have to wear shoes.”

Student #2: “Do flip-flops count?”

Teacher: “Seriously? Why can’t you just wear normal shoes?”

Student #2: “I don’t wear shoes.”

Teacher: “What if you were going to a wedding?”

Student #2: “I don’t go to weddings.”

Student #3: “What if I henna’d my feet?”

Teacher: “Okay, if you go to the trouble to get your feet henna’d by tomorrow, you can go barefoot.”

Student #2: “I just don’t feel grounded if I’m wearing shoes.”

Teacher: “Remember when I said last week that you can wear anything you want, but to make some effort to look nice?!”

Student #3: “Bare feet look nice.”

(Did I mention that this was a class for ADULTS?)

(We have lots of restrooms in the building; however, we only have one that you don’t have to take a short flight of stairs to get to. We usually keep it locked when there isn’t a performance to keep it clean and keep the supplies from being used up. I’m on crutches, so I ask for the key.)

Me: “Hey, boss, is it okay if I use the accessible bathroom?”

Boss: “Yeah, sure, here’s the key. Just give it back at the end of the day so you don’t have to keep asking for it. I’m not here tomorrow but [Manager who also has a key] will be and she’ll get it for you until we get you a copy made.”

Me: “Cool, thanks. I’ll get a doctor’s note with an estimate of when I’ll be off the crutches, but they’re saying about three weeks.”

Coworker: “Wait, what? Why does she get a key? I hate going up those stairs. I’m older than her and I’ve been here longer. I should be allowed to get a key, too!”

Boss: “She’s on crutches. You don’t have a physical reason, and after her ankle is better she’ll be using the upstairs bathroom like the rest of us — after her doctor okays it.”

(I leave and come back. My coworker is standing in front of the office door, fiddling with something and obviously waiting on me.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey! I’ll give the key back to [Boss]. Go on in. I’ll be there in a sec.”

Me: “Um, actually I’m keeping the key all day so I don’t have to keep asking for it.”

Coworker: “Then I’ll hold onto it for you and you can just tell me when you need it.”

Me: “That’s… not going to happen.”

Coworker: “Look, you’re young. I’m getting on up there and I don’t want to climb those stairs. Just give me the key.”

Me: “Tell you what. You tear several ligaments and tendons in your ankle and come to work anyway and then I’ll hand it over. Until then, you use the stairs like [Boss] said.”

(My coworker tried to get me written up for “insubordination” despite him being the same level of employee as me, but our boss gave him a stern talking to instead. He got fired when we caught him going through my desk, looking for my copy of the bathroom key. Of all the things to be fired over!)

(I am stage managing a rehearsal, and the lead actor has come in with some form of food poisoning. Because we’re close to opening, he has decided to tough it out instead of going home, but he has been spending most of the time he’s not onstage in the bathroom. At this point in time, I’m rounding up the actors to run the final scene, in which this actor’s character dies.)

Me: “Hey, [Actor], are you going to be able to run this scene?”

Actor: “Which scene are we doing now?”

Me: *not thinking, on autopilot* “You’re dying.”

Actor: *looks up at me, completely deadpan* “I’m well aware of that fact. But which scene are we running?”

(A friend of mine sells tickets to popular theatre shows over the phone. She posts her not so great experiences on Facebook and this is one of the better ones.)

Me: “My best available tickets for that date are [X] and [Y].”

Customer: “What does that mean, best available?”

Me: “It means the most central seats closest to the stage. They are also the most expensive, though. Would you like me to look for cheaper tickets?”

Customer: “Wait, there are different prices? Why would I pay more than someone else when I’m just going to go early to pick my seat?”

Me: “Um, it doesn’t work like that. When you buy a ticket, you’re buying a specific seat. When you go to the show, you have to sit in that seat.”

Customer: “But I won’t know what seat I want until that day. How do you expect me to know what mood I’ll be in?”

Me: “I don’t, but I can walk you through ticket options if you’d like.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous.”

(I never have this problem at the movies.)

Me: “These are theatre tickets, not movie tickets.”

Customer: “Oh. What number is this?”

(I take my 12-year-old daughter to see the musical “Cats”. We have never seen it before. This is what she says once the play is over.)

Daughter: “Dad, did we just watch a bunch of cats introduce themselves for two hours?”