(I’m a stagehand setting up for a large musical. Some of the people working are very inexperienced. There’s a lull in the work. I’m sitting on a roadcase to get off my feet for a minute, and everyone has randomly arranged themselves into a semi circle facing me.)

Me: “I feel like I should make a speech! But I’m not going to.”

(They all stare at me expectantly.)

Me: “Okay! Let’s hang some lights! Do up safeties and pull shutters!”

A Small Voice: “Uh… what’s a shutter?”

Me: “Okay! I’m glad I made my speech. Let’s go do Light Anatomy 101.”

(I’m glad she asked!)

(At our theater, the online ordering part of our ticketing software includes a “Comments” section on each order. Most people leave the field blank, but some include relevant questions or complaints. Recently, someone left this comment on their order:)

Comment: “When I come for the tickets, offer a fist bump. I will then say, ‘Paper covers rock,’ and put my hand over your fist. You’ll know it’s me.”

(I’m a somewhat socially awkward person who benefits from the rules and boundaries of customer service, so I find this both hilarious and a little terrifying. I tell a much more extroverted coworker she has to do it. She is delighted.)

Coworker: “Are you picking up tickets?”

Customer: “Yes, they’re under [Customer].”

Coworker: *gleefully whispers* “This is my moment!” *hands over tickets, offers fist*

Customer: *puts his hand over hers* “Paper covers rock.”

Coworker: “Woo!”

(The customer’s party cracks up.)

Me: “Well done.”

(The show “Singing in the Rain,” featuring actual onstage rain, has just finished, and the audience is thanking all the actors for a good show. One elderly lady walks up to me.)

Elderly Lady: “Ugh. This show got me wet. It’s a shame; I get wet every other day of the week, anyway.”

(I was scared to shake her hand after that!)

(A local theater company my family has been involved with for many years has recently gone through a change in leadership, resulting in some… unique situations. Many of the recent decisions have come across as direct attacks against me and my family, including the recent shutdown of a popular, successful, and influential teen group that I was president of, only to be replaced a few days later by a group that has no apparent differences except that we are not involved and the board, presumably, has much more control. While I hold no ill will against them for this, my parents are less forgiving.)

Mom: “Sometime before the first meeting of the new group, I want to post exactly what led up to the shutdown of the first group.”

Me: “Uh, okay, great, but… when you post it, can you try to be a little less confrontational than will come naturally to you?”

Mom: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m going to phrase it as an apology.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Mom: “Yes, I’m going to apologize that we got the group shut down by refusing to be the board’s doormats.”

Me: “…”

Mom: “Because we stood up for what we believed in, instead of bowing down to their so-called supremacy created through shadow government. They decided the only solution was to snatch the group away from all of the teens and create a new one where they have all the power.”

Me: “…O-Oh.”

Mom: “Not what you were thinking?”

Me: “I think we’re back to my original question.”

Caller: “Are children allowed for this performance?”

Me: “Yes, two and up.”

Caller: “No, I only have one child.”