You Have Goth To Be Kidding

, , , , , | Friendly | May 5, 2018

(We just finished auditioning for “High School Musical” and are making small talk with the director, who knows most of us pretty well. The audition dealt a lot with the different cliques in the show and how they would be portrayed, so our conversation inevitably drifts to that.)

Actor: “I asked [Musical Director] if we could have an emo clique, but he said emos can’t be in musicals.”

Director: “Well, actually, I’m thinking there will be a group of… I think I’ll call them, ‘Utility Students’… who will play different things in different scenes. Like, sometimes if I need two extra brainiacs, they’ll be brainiacs. So they’ll probably be emos and goths for at least one scene.”

Actor: *extremely cheerful and upbeat* “Yes! I am amazing at being emo! Like, seriously, I know I’m wearing a colorful sweater right now, but my entire wardrobe is black and blacker. I’m the most emo person you’ve ever met!”

(They didn’t seem to catch the irony.)

One Is About Nuts, And One Isn’t

, , , | Right | May 1, 2018

(I’m setting up for a stand-up comedy show one afternoon at the theatre on campus. It’s late morning, and I’m the only one in the building. I’m sweeping the stage when a middle-aged woman walks into the house, and the following exchange occurs.)

Woman:The Nutcracker isn’t here, is it?”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “It’s at [Other Theatre], isn’t it?”

Me: “Possibly, but I’m not sure.”

(I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the show here was called “D**k Loss Prevention”!)

She Has No Power To Help You

, , , , , | Working | May 1, 2018

(My daughter works for a dinner theatre. Her manager is pretty useless. One night, my daughter has to phone her at home.)

Manager: “Hello?”

Daughter: “Boss, the power just went out in the entire building. There are no lights, and we can’t cook any of the food for the guests’ meals. The show is supposed to start soon. What do I do?”

Manager: *sounding bored* “Just do your best.” *click*

Daughter: “Wow. Not helpful.”

(Luckily, the power came back on shortly afterward. My daughter started looking for a new job after that.)

Annoying From The Opening Night

, , , , , | Right | April 24, 2018

(Our theater sends out letters reminding our members to book the remainder of their season tickets, a quarter of the way through the season. We often get calls from people who think we’ve deactivated or lost their membership because they booked the first three shows but received a you-haven’t-booked letter.)

Caller: “Hello, I got a you-haven’t-booked letter, but I saw Pete the Cat!*first show of our season* “So I have booked, and you guys lied! I SAW PETE THE CAT!

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you did see Pete The Cat; that letter just means that you haven’t booked the remainder of your season tickets. I’d be happy to help you with that now, if you’re ready.”

Caller: “I saw Pete The Cat, though! I’ve booked, and you guys lied!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You did book tickets for Pete The Cat. Would you like to see Sherlock Holmes?”

Caller: “Yes. But I wanted to come see it on opening night, and you guys never called me to let me reserve!”

(I explain that we don’t call every member when they don’t book a show. She doesn’t understand that, and wants us to call her before every show to see if she’s ready to book.)

Me: “So, would you like to see Sherlock Holmes? This is the last weekend, and I have plenty of space to get you in this Friday at seven.”

Caller: “Yes. Although, I still think you guys should have called me on opening night to see if I wanted to come.”

Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am. While I have you on the phone, would you like to book the rest of your season? I’d be happy to help you with that.”

Caller: “Yes. I want to come on all the opening nights!”

Me: “Perfect. I’ll book those for you and send you a confirmation email so you have something for your records.”

Caller: “Will you guys call to remind me? I don’t want to waste space in my calendar by writing these down.”

(I am now pulling my hair out.)

Me: “No, ma’am; that’s why I’m sending you the email with the dates and times you’ve booked for.”

Caller: “Well, I guess I’ll write them down. You guys should have a better notification system, though! I can’t be expected to remember the dates I booked!”

Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am. Have a great day.”

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I Am Number Four

, , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am a senior in college, working four jobs, because due to several incidents I have been traumatized by roommates and need to pay for a place of my own. My parents insist it be in a “safe” area, which means it will be expensive. Also, I can’t find single full-time job that works around my school schedule. This happens at my job at the university box office a few weeks before finals, when I am working an average of about 70 hours per week. The box office job is my “easy” job, where I’m allowed to do homework. I just came from three days of doubles at my other jobs, and stayed up late the night before working on a project. I’m alone in the office and dozing when the phone rings, waking me.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Drugstore] on [Street], [Drugstore slogan]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: *realizing* “Um, I mean, thank you for calling [Sporting Goods Store] at [Local Mall]. Which department were you hoping to speak to?!”

Caller: “I don’t think that one is right, either, sweetie.”

Me: *now slightly panicking* “Right! I meant, welcome to the [Non-Profit that I both volunteer and work for]! No, wait. That’s not right, either.”

(At his point, the caller is laughing hysterically, and the fog clears from my head long enough to realize it’s the woman who works in the office that oversees the box office.)

Me: *laughing, too* “I’ve got it this time! Thank you for calling [University] box office. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *no response, only laughter*

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