Seat Down And Choose Your Battles

, , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(I’m talking to an elderly patron on the phone. He’s buying tickets to the most recent show.)

Me: “I can get you two seats in the middle of orchestra right, row C.”

Patron: “I don’t want them near the far end. What seat numbers are they?”

Me: “C8 and C10.”

Patron: “No, I want two seats together.”

Me: “They are together; the seats in orchestra right are numbered by even numbers and orchestra left is odds.”

Patron: “Oh, okay. How many seats are in this row?”

Me: “Ten, sir.”

Patron: “But you’re putting me in C10! That’s the last seat.”

Me: “No, sir, the seats go from C2 to C20.”

Patron: “That doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “As I said before, the orchestra right seats are assigned even numbers only.”

Patron: “I want to be in the middle!”

Me: “Yes, your seats are in the middle of the row. That last seat in this row is C20.”

Patron: “So there are twenty seats in this row?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”

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Making A Bad Show Of It

, , , | Right | March 24, 2020

(I am a box office manager at a local theater. There are several bathrooms immediately off the box office and several more around the corner, down the hall, and through another room. We only open these extra bathrooms up during intermission. Before the show, we keep the door to that room locked, but the door only locks from the inside, so it’s like a lobster trap: you can get in, but you can’t get out. A woman approaches me during an extremely busy night before the show starts.)

Woman: “I want to use the other bathrooms.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t open them until intermission.”

Woman: “But you had them open before, didn’t you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. During intermission. It is not intermission. However, you can use the box office bathrooms, which don’t have a line right now.”

(The woman sulks off. Twenty minutes go by, in which I am dealing with too many customers to see what she does. During a brief lull, I hear a faint pounding from deep inside the building. I tell my assistant to go check it out. The woman comes rushing into the box office, flustered and out of breath.)

Woman: “Did you know I was locked into that room? I could’ve been there for the entire show, for all you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you those bathrooms were off-limits before the show. I’m sorry you were locked in, though.”

Woman: *losing her cool* “But they were open before the show this one time last year!”

Me: “Yes. It is no longer last year.”

Woman: “Well! That’s absurd!”

(She stormed out.)

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Shepherd Book Would Be Ashamed

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 28, 2020

I recently attended a live show of the national tour of The Lion King. As everybody who’s ever attended any kind of show knows, there are signs all over reminding you that no photography or videos are allowed during the show, and they make an announcement just before the show starts. Usually, 99% of the audience has no problems with this and is happy to just immerse themselves in the show. 

This time, however, somebody decided she was above that rule. 

An older woman a couple of rows in front of me was sneaking pictures with her phone, purposely keeping her phone at her lap so as not to get caught. I didn’t want to say anything, because I knew I’d get the age-old excuse, “Mind your own business! It’s not bothering you!” 

At a dark scene, though, she messed up. She must’ve forgotten her flash was set to automatic, because suddenly, it went off with her picture. Several people looked back, and she quickly dropped her phone onto her lap. The kid with her whispered something to her, I’m assuming telling her to knock it off, and she didn’t take another picture.

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Eight Times Cuter Than Average!

, , , , | Friendly | January 17, 2020

(I do some acting lessons and groups at a company as a teen. The backstage area is pretty dirty and has a lot of spider webs as a result.)

Me: “There are two spiders right there and they are kind of big!”

Friend #1: “Ahh, really?”

Me: “What should we do? I don’t want to go near them, because I have a little arachnophobia.”

Friend #1 & Friend #2: “Me, too!”

Friend #2: “But tarantulas are pretty cute.”

Friend #1: “Yeah, they are, so furry!”

Friend #2: “Aww, and their adorable eyes!”

(They continued to talk about their love of tarantulas as I stared up at the spiders, wondering how they could say they were afraid of spiders when they found tarantulas to be cute.)

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Sarcasm Is Not His Calling

, , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2020

(We’ve just finished a long day of rehearsal and the coordinator is giving us some final reminders for the next day.)

Coordinator: “Make sure you remember to bring… Wait, is that a phone I hear?”

(Sure enough, we can hear a phone ringing and vibrating. An actor raises his hand, slightly embarrassed.)

Actor: “Um, yes, sorry, it’s mine. Should I hang up?”

(The coordinator thinks he’s joking and laughs.)

Coordinator: *sarcastically* “Oh, no, don’t worry. Answer it; we’ll wait for you.”

Actor: “Oh, all right!” *answers his phone and starts talking*

(The coordinator is left with a wild look on her face and some crew members start chuckling. The actor, however, keeps talking on the phone, completely oblivious. When we realize this, the laughter stops.)

Actor: “Yeah, I know… Uh… Hey, I think I’ll call you later; everyone’s staring at me.”

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