The Real Boss Is The Four-Year-Old

| Norway | Friendly | February 10, 2017

(I’ve recently started working in a small theatre. Only me (in my twenties) and my boss (in his late thirties) are employed on a regular basis; everyone else is just hired for each project. One day my boss’ four-year-old daughter is there with us. I take care of her as her father goes to a different floor.)

Four-Year-Old: “Who’s the boss here, you or my dad?”

Me: “Your dad is my boss. He’s everyone’s boss here.”

Four-Year-Old: “No way! He can’t be the boss of [One of the Actors on a current project, in his fifties]! He is the boss of everything; he’s definitely my dad’s boss!”

(I told the actor what she had said and he was super pleased and said he’d always known the four-year-old was very smart.)

Cake Is Promotion

| St Paul, MN, USA | Working | February 7, 2017

(While I love my job, it is very stressful and I couldn’t imagine being a manager or the theatre rep. My manager often threatens to promote me in a joking manner, which always gets a few laughs.)

Manager: “I don’t know what I want. Either coffee or food.”

Coworker: “Go for the caffeine, man.”

Manager: “Yeah, but I’m really hungry and only have time to grab one. So it’s either coffee or food. Maybe cake.”

Me: “Why not a—” *pauses for effect* “—coffee cake?”

Manager: *through laughter* “That’s IT! Promote her!”

A Very Quick Performance

| Vienna, Austria | Right | January 27, 2017

(I work in a big theatre where a lot of rich obnoxious people come to watch the performance. No one is allowed entrance into the auditorium after the performance has started. I am working entrance when a woman in her fifties shows up ten minutes late.)

Me: “Good evening, madam. I am very sorry, but the performance has already started; you can take a seat in the lobby. There is a live screen where you can watch until intermission.”

Woman: “So, I am not allowed in?”

Me: “No. I am very sorry, but nobody is allowed in after the music has started.”

Woman: *very understanding* “I get that. But, you see, my mother, she is 90 years old; it takes her a while to get ready, so maybe you could make an exception?”

Me: “I really couldn’t, I’m sorry.”

(The last two sentences are repeated 3-4 times. At that moment sure enough, a very old lady enters the area with her walking stick and stands quietly next to the original woman.)

Woman: *more unsettled* “Look, we’ve paid a lot of money for these tickets! I want you to let us in NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t do it.”

(I look over to my colleague and sign him to get our supervisor.)

Woman: “You are going to let us in THIS SECOND or you’re going to be in BIG TROUBLE!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but once the performance has started, there is no getting in. it says so on your ti—”

(I stop talking at that moment, because the 90-year old woman, that takes so long to get ready and walk, suddenly starts running towards the door to the auditorium. I’m baffled, but since she is 90 years old and I am in my early 20s, the one-second head-start she gets until I believe what’s happening is not enough for her to reach the doors before me, so I stop her and escort her back to her daughter.)

Me: “As I was saying, it says on your ticket, that once the performance has starte—”

(Again, the 90-year-old lady starts running towards the auditorium and I stop her and bring her back. Finally, my supervisor shows up.)

Supervisor: “What seems to be the problem?”

Woman: *switching back to her fake polite tone* “We were late, but look, my mother, she is 90 years old, she’s not that fast anymore…”

(My supervisor continues to give her the exact same information I gave her two minutes earlier. While she gets more unnerved again, the old lady tries running off once more and I stop her again to bring her back.)

Supervisor: *raising his eyebrow* “Well, if she had been that quick while getting ready, you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place!”

(The woman gave up and took a seat at the monitor.)

French Makes Everything Sound Dirty

| Canada | Working | January 7, 2017

(I’m a stagehand, on tour with a French play. I’m an Anglophone, but, like most Canadians, I took French in school, and I’m a bit of a Francophile, so I have a basic understanding of the language and can speak a little.)

Me: “I need a pipe. Hey! I can say that in French! Je besoin un pipe!”

Francophone Coworker: *laughing* “No, you don’t want to say that.”

Me: “Did I say that wrong?”

Francophone Coworker: “You just said you need a blow job.”

Me: “I am never speaking French again.”

A Bit Too Much Hasa Diga Eebowai

| Boston, MA, USA | Friendly | December 27, 2016

Last year, a friend of mine and I go to see “The Book of Mormon,” a raunchy, funny musical about two Mormon missionaries trying to convert the people of an African village.

Partway through the performance, a prop breaks at the beginning of a scene, stopping the play short. An announcement goes out to the audience that they are experiencing some minor technical difficulties, and that the play will resume once they are fixed. After the announcement ends, a murmur rises as everyone starts talking among themselves. A couple moments later, a random man in the audience shouts, “IT’S THE WILL OF GOD!”

Everyone lost it, including my friend and me. The entire audience is laughing. My friend is actually sitting at such an angle that she saw the guy shout, so we knew it wasn’t just the announcer again. It was a brilliant moment of improv that probably stopped a lot of people from getting frustrated at the play’s technical issues.

Ten minutes later, the problems were fixed, and the play resumed like nothing happened. It was a great, very funny play, but that guy’s comment is the part we remember best. Cheers to you, random guy, wherever you are.

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