Remember, Remember, Any Day In November

| USA | Holidays, Time

(We offer our season subscribers the exclusive ability to exchange their tickets to another performance if something comes up in their schedule. It’s a week before the next show begins and I’m on the phone with a subscriber.)

Me: “Okay, I have your record up. Which performance did you want to exchange?”

Customer: “This one. I want to move it to next Saturday instead.”

Me: *clarifying* “You’d like to change from NEXT Saturday Nov. 7th to the following Saturday Nov. 14th?”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah. I want to move from this Saturday to next Saturday.”

Me: “You actually have next Saturday Nov. 7th already. Are you looking to move to the Saturday after – Nov 14th?”

Customer: “No. I’ve got THIS Saturday. I need to move it.”

Me: “You have next Saturday, Nov 7th.”

Customer: “No. I have THIS Saturday.”

Me: “We don’t have a performance this Saturday, The show begins next Tuesday Nov. 3rd, and you’re scheduled for Saturday Nov. 7th.”

Customer: “Wait, wait, wait… Wait… I… Oh. I have this – I think I wrote it in my calendar wrong. So I have the 7th?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, the 7th works fine for me. I have to go somewhere on Halloween, so I thought I had to switch it.”

Me: “So the 7th is fine?”

Customer: “Yeah, looks like I’m all set.”

Me: “Great! We’ll see you then!”

Customer: “Oh! Wait a minute.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Is Halloween on November 7th?”

Me: “…Uh, no.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks! Bye!”

Needs A Visit From The Ghosts Of Christmas

| USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(Our theater has done a production of a Christmas Carol every year for many years. This happens the first year that I work the final performance of the run, mid-day Christmas Eve.)

Woman: *dragging three kids behind her* “Hi, we need uh… four tickets for the show today.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re sold out for this afternoon’s performance, but I ca—”

Woman: “Sold out!? You’re kidding me? Do you have any seats at all?”

Me: “No, like I said, we are sold out. However, I can pu—”

Woman: “So you don’t have four seats?”

Me: *trying to get the whole sentence out before she interrupts me again* “No, but I can put you on a wait list.”

Woman: “Okay. We need four together.”

Me: “I’m sorry. If we can get you in at all, I can’t promise they will be four seats together.”

(She huffs and rolls her eyes a bit, then gets on the list. Ten or fifteen minutes later another woman walks in with a little girl.)

Woman #2: “Hi, I know it’s Christmas Eve and it’s a Christmas show and everything, but is there any possibility of getting two tickets today?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we are sold out, but I can put you on a wait list.”

Woman #2: “Really? Oh, that would be good. We’ll take our chances. So you’re completely sold out? That’s nice for you guys.”

Me: “Thank you. Now I do have to tell you that if we can get you in, I can’t necessarily get you together.”

(She and her daughter exchange a few looks, and the little girl shrugs, then nods.)

Woman #2: “That’s fine. Thank you! We’ll be waiting!”

Me: “Good luck!”

(We get through all the tickets we have waiting to be picked up, and then seat a few people off the waitlist from seats handed back. At the last minute we get permission to sell house seats, late seats and handicapped seats, using EVERYTHING we have, packing the theater to full capacity. I seat the family of four together, they’re cranky and loud and aggravating. They complain about the seats they have, then wander upstairs slowly, even though I’ve told them they should hurry as the show is about to begin. The nice woman and her daughter are the last on the list, and at the last moment I get them a pair together.)

Me: “Ma’am? I have a pair of seats for you.”

Woman #2: *rushing to the ticket window* “Really?” *to her daughter* “We get to see the show!”

(Her daughter smiles and bounces on her toes, mom keeps talking quietly as I process their tickets.)

Woman #2: “Isn’t this great? Aren’t we lucky? You know, when I was little I used to come to this show with MY mommy. Every year we’d come here. So I think you and I should go and enjoy the show, and think of Grandma, yeah?”

Little Girl: “Yeah.”

Woman #2: “Good.”

Me: *trying not to show I’m almost in tears* “Here you are; enjoy the show!”

Woman #2: “Thank you! Merry Christmas!”

Little Girl: “Merry Christmas!”

Me: “Merry Christmas!”

(I think of them every year during Christmas Carol!)

The Title Could Be Plane-er

| England, UK | Movies & TV

(I work in a theatre that occasionally shows films. One week we are showing ‘Snakes on a Plane.’)

Customer: “What is that film about?”

Me: “Well, there’s this plane…”

Literally Milked Dry

| London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(This is a conversation overheard between my coworker and two customers. Customer #1 is male and at the front of the queue, and has rather a large order of coffees. Customer #2 is behind him, a smaller woman who appears to be waiting impatiently. Our coffee machine on the bar is one of the typical barista-style ones with the nozzle for foaming the milk in a jug.)

Customer #1: *to my coworker* “So, I’ll have two cappuccinos.”

(My coworker makes them.)

Customer #1: “And two more, please.”

(My coworker makes them.)

Customer #1: “And a black coffee.”

(My coworker makes it.)

Customer #1: “And a tea.”

(My coworker makes it.)

Customer #1: “And three more cappuccinos. Sorry, love.”

(My coworker makes them. Thankfully after this, the customer decides that’s more than enough coffee for his group, and pays. Unfortunately, what with it being a very busy show, us being only a small bar, and his having ordered so many coffees, we have already run out of milk. My coworker turns to Customer #2 at this point and greets her.)

Coworker: “Good evening. What can I get you?”

Customer #2: “One cappuccino please.”

(My coworker explains to her that we are currently out of milk because of the large order she just took. The look on the woman’s face turns to pure rage.)

Customer #2: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY MILK?!”

(The entire room stops and falls silent.)

Customer #2: *still shouting* “I NEED MY COFFEE. WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?!”

(My coworker is biting back the urge to retort, judging by her face. I decide to step in.)

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but my coworker just explained to you the situation. We can either make you a tea and get you some milk sachets from the lower bar, or we can send you there to get filter coffee.”

Customer #2: *turns to me* “Oh, FORGET IT! You stupid people, not having any milk! This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Madam, you have shouted at my coworker and me, and insulted us. I am refusing you service in this bar for the entire evening. Please leave.”

(Customer #2 shoots me a dirty look and storms out. As she does so, a few of the patrons applaud. Customer #1 approaches the bar.)

Customer #1: “If I had known she was going to be that nasty without coffee I would willingly have given up one of mine. Glad I didn’t have to, though!”

(He left a £5 tip!)

Utah Got The Wrong Place

| Canada | Bizarre, Geography, Musical Mayhem

(I am working at the box office when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Business]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m looking for the Utah Symphony.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “The Utah Symphony.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. I’m in Canada.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure I’m in Canada.”

Caller: “Is this [Address] in [City], Utah?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m on [Street] in [City], Canada.”

Caller: “But where can I find the Utah Symphony?”

Me: “…try Utah?”

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