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Maybe Her Brain Fell Out Too

| New Orleans, LA, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

(I work as a house manager for a big theatre during a concert. I am standing at one of the bars chatting with a friend when a woman comes up to the bar.)

Woman: “Hi! You remember I came in tonight with a hair tie and flower in my hair?”

(I’d never seen her before that moment, so I say nothing.)

Woman: “I seemed to have lost them both.”

Me: “Would you like for me to go search the seating area for you?”

Woman: “No, that’s okay. I don’t want you to interrupt everyone’s enjoyment of the concert.”

Me: “Well, if you’re sure, then I won’t.”

Woman: “I don’t know. What do you think? I mean I just bought it at the store for like $5.”

Me: “I can go look if you want. I mean it’s part of my job.”

(She waffled on about me going or not going into the seating area where the concert was still going on for like five minutes. At this point I realise she’s a bit drunk.)

Me: “Look, I’ll go in there and have a look around and I promise not to disturb anyone.”

Woman: “Okay, but I wasn’t in my seat the whole time. I was kinda over here.” *she points to an area above us which I know is flat and where she could dance*

Me: “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

(I hear her calling me back, but I wasn’t going to stand around while she waffled again so I ignore her. I grab a small flashlight from an usher and proceed to look in the general area of where I thought she’d been and even beyond that area. I find nothing, so I go back out to let her know.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I was unable to find a hair tie or clip anywhere in there.”

Woman: “Wow. That’s really weird. I mean who would steal something like that?”

Me: *thinking she lost it before she arrived* “I really don’t know.”

Woman: “Okay, I guess I’ll go.”

Me: “Do you have a ride?”

Woman: “I’ll just take a taxi.”

Me: “Okay, then, just go out the front of the theatre and you’ll be able to find one quickly.”

Woman: “Thanks for your help!” *she gives me a hug* “And this is for you!” *she pushes a glass of champagne in my direction and wanders off*

(Once she was gone, the bartender informed me that the woman asked her if she thought I was really looking for her stuff or if I’d just gone in to enjoy the concert a bit and would lie about searching. She also assured me that the woman hadn’t touched the champagne nor had she paid for it.)

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Don’t Burst Their Entitlement Bubble

| Australia | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Popular

(I’m a supervisor for a high-traffic box office during a yearly theatre festival. It is a busy spell on a Saturday during closing weekend. A woman runs up to the counter yelling for help, carrying her large child – I’d say around eight years old – cradled in her arms. He is hysterical and I immediately approach her thinking some horrible accident has happened.)

Me: “Are you okay?! What’s happened?”

Lady: “MY CHILD HAS JUST HAD BUBBLES BLOWN INTO HIS EYES! I WANT A FULL REFUND!”

Me: *trying sooooo hard not to smile* “Oh, no! First, can I help your son wash his eyes? We have a tap around the back of—”

Lady: *not moving* “He blew them directly into his eyes. This is absolutely disgusting.”

Me: “Okay, what show did you just see and where was the venue?”

Lady: “We saw Mr. Bubbleman and he was trying to blow his bubbles into the children’s eyes! We even sat at the back of the audience because I had a feeling this was going to happen and now look! I want a full refund and I don’t care about your ‘no refund policy’!”

Me: “I’m so sorry this has happened and while I can’t authorize a refund, I can quickly go speak to the producer of the show about what’s happened and he could possibly refund you directly?”

Lady: “I can’t believe this!” *she’s still holding her giant child* “This service is terrible. Why won’t you help my son? Mr. Bubbleman will lie! He’ll tell you he didn’t do it but he did! If he acts dumb, just you tell him that I’m going to have to go straight to hospital because of him!”

(Her bratty child isn’t even crying anymore and seems to be bored of the situation – trying to wiggle out his mum’s arms.)

Me: “Look, on behalf of the festival, I really apologise. If you stay here, I’ll run over and quickly speak to the producer.”

(I sprint to the venue and grab the producer and start to explain the situation, trying to be careful not to escalate the situation more. Before I even finish, he jumps in and just looks really sad.)

Producer: *sighs* “Yeah, refund her…”

Me: “Really? I mean, that’s total bull-s***! She’s accusing you of deliberately blowing bubbles in the children’s eyes?! I mean, that’s crazy! Your show is a bubble show; wouldn’t you assess the ‘risks’ before you even bought tickets?”

Producer: “Of course I know it’s complete bull-s***, but I learnt quickly in this business not to argue with over-bearing mothers with screaming, spoilt children.”

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Very Green To This Neighborhood

| NS, Canada | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal

(I work at a live theatre in a small town, where most of our patrons are elderly and kind. One day, a young male customer comes through the front doors.)

Me: “Good afternoon, can I help you with something?”

Customer: “Yes! I just moved here, and I don’t know anyone. I have to ask you a question.”

Me: “Great, I’d be happy to help you.”

Customer: “I was walking by the theatre and thought that this might be the place to get help.”

Me: “Well, we’d be glad to help if we can. What’s your question?”

Customer: “I’m looking for marijuana.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Weed. Green.”

Me: “Yes, I understand…”

Customer: “Great! So, do you sell it here?”

Me: “No, sir, this is a real business. I can sell you tickets to a show, but we do not sell drugs.”

Customer: *annoyed* “Well, you’re no help! You people are useless! I guess I’ll just go ask some random person on the street since your ‘business’ can’t help me!”

(He angrily stormed out of the store. My colleague and I looked at each other, dumbfounded.)

Remember, Remember, Any Day In November

| USA | Holidays, Time

(We offer our season subscribers the exclusive ability to exchange their tickets to another performance if something comes up in their schedule. It’s a week before the next show begins and I’m on the phone with a subscriber.)

Me: “Okay, I have your record up. Which performance did you want to exchange?”

Customer: “This one. I want to move it to next Saturday instead.”

Me: *clarifying* “You’d like to change from NEXT Saturday Nov. 7th to the following Saturday Nov. 14th?”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah. I want to move from this Saturday to next Saturday.”

Me: “You actually have next Saturday Nov. 7th already. Are you looking to move to the Saturday after – Nov 14th?”

Customer: “No. I’ve got THIS Saturday. I need to move it.”

Me: “You have next Saturday, Nov 7th.”

Customer: “No. I have THIS Saturday.”

Me: “We don’t have a performance this Saturday, The show begins next Tuesday Nov. 3rd, and you’re scheduled for Saturday Nov. 7th.”

Customer: “Wait, wait, wait… Wait… I… Oh. I have this – I think I wrote it in my calendar wrong. So I have the 7th?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, the 7th works fine for me. I have to go somewhere on Halloween, so I thought I had to switch it.”

Me: “So the 7th is fine?”

Customer: “Yeah, looks like I’m all set.”

Me: “Great! We’ll see you then!”

Customer: “Oh! Wait a minute.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Is Halloween on November 7th?”

Me: “…Uh, no.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks! Bye!”

Needs A Visit From The Ghosts Of Christmas

| USA | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(Our theater has done a production of a Christmas Carol every year for many years. This happens the first year that I work the final performance of the run, mid-day Christmas Eve.)

Woman: *dragging three kids behind her* “Hi, we need uh… four tickets for the show today.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re sold out for this afternoon’s performance, but I ca—”

Woman: “Sold out!? You’re kidding me? Do you have any seats at all?”

Me: “No, like I said, we are sold out. However, I can pu—”

Woman: “So you don’t have four seats?”

Me: *trying to get the whole sentence out before she interrupts me again* “No, but I can put you on a wait list.”

Woman: “Okay. We need four together.”

Me: “I’m sorry. If we can get you in at all, I can’t promise they will be four seats together.”

(She huffs and rolls her eyes a bit, then gets on the list. Ten or fifteen minutes later another woman walks in with a little girl.)

Woman #2: “Hi, I know it’s Christmas Eve and it’s a Christmas show and everything, but is there any possibility of getting two tickets today?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we are sold out, but I can put you on a wait list.”

Woman #2: “Really? Oh, that would be good. We’ll take our chances. So you’re completely sold out? That’s nice for you guys.”

Me: “Thank you. Now I do have to tell you that if we can get you in, I can’t necessarily get you together.”

(She and her daughter exchange a few looks, and the little girl shrugs, then nods.)

Woman #2: “That’s fine. Thank you! We’ll be waiting!”

Me: “Good luck!”

(We get through all the tickets we have waiting to be picked up, and then seat a few people off the waitlist from seats handed back. At the last minute we get permission to sell house seats, late seats and handicapped seats, using EVERYTHING we have, packing the theater to full capacity. I seat the family of four together, they’re cranky and loud and aggravating. They complain about the seats they have, then wander upstairs slowly, even though I’ve told them they should hurry as the show is about to begin. The nice woman and her daughter are the last on the list, and at the last moment I get them a pair together.)

Me: “Ma’am? I have a pair of seats for you.”

Woman #2: *rushing to the ticket window* “Really?” *to her daughter* “We get to see the show!”

(Her daughter smiles and bounces on her toes, mom keeps talking quietly as I process their tickets.)

Woman #2: “Isn’t this great? Aren’t we lucky? You know, when I was little I used to come to this show with MY mommy. Every year we’d come here. So I think you and I should go and enjoy the show, and think of Grandma, yeah?”

Little Girl: “Yeah.”

Woman #2: “Good.”

Me: *trying not to show I’m almost in tears* “Here you are; enjoy the show!”

Woman #2: “Thank you! Merry Christmas!”

Little Girl: “Merry Christmas!”

Me: “Merry Christmas!”

(I think of them every year during Christmas Carol!)

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