The Final Joke About That

, , , | Learning | October 29, 2019

(I am a teacher. Every time I see one of my students, he will come to me with a story about a new way he has injured himself: he has fallen down the stairs, he has cut his fingers, he got injured playing hockey, etc. For the record, I think he is just very clumsy; I don’t see any other signs of abuse, or anything.)

Me: *jokingly* “So, have you ever seen Final Destination? Because this is what all your stories sound like!”

Student: *eyes widened* “Uh, I find it quite unsettling that you said that; I survived a shipwreck when I was five years old!”

(Oh, I don’t think I will joke about “Final Destination” ever again.)

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It’s Become A Real Odyssey

, , , , | Learning | October 22, 2019

A friend of my girlfriend was graduating and I came along. The weather was pretty hot, especially for that time of year, and the ceremony was held in an auditorium that could barely hold all the people who were attending.

The students would come on stage in groups of three to five and a teacher would give a little highlight like, “These students won the math championship,” or, “These students came together and convinced the cafeteria to serve more healthy food,” etc.

The teacher for ancient Greek, though, would instead read for Every Individual Student several pages from the Iliad or some other classical work. While some of his students understood why he picked those passages, with a few even giving a knowing a smile, others just sat there pondering how it related to them. But for at least 99% of the audience, he might have as well droned random words, and sitting in the stifling heat with oxygen levels dropping, people were getting annoyed.

After several rounds of this, before the next batch of students came forward, another teacher grabbed the mic and said, “I’ll keep it brief…” There was immediate thunderous applause from the audience!

After a little break to catch fresh air — that was the announcement — the teacher got the hint and while his congratulations were still longer than most other teachers they were reduced to a reasonable duration.

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Unfiltered Story #172080

, | Unfiltered | October 19, 2019

( Prior to this story I got into an accident that caused me to break my left leg and severely bruise my right leg. I’m able to commute to work regardless and since I work behind a desk as an IT support desk it usually goes fine. Until a guest comes in that demands to be helped on the spot. He stands at the counter as he stares at me before he begins to talk.)

Customer: You! With the glasses, help me. Come on.

Me: Of course sir, what can I do for you today?

Customer: I have a tablet that won’t connect with my work email anymore. I need to be able to access it.

Me: I’ll take a look at it. Could you hand me the tablet please? *holds out hand*
(at this point the customer looks me over suspiciously and I’m starting to get the feeling he doesn’t trust me. Note: he can’t see I’m in a wheelchair because I’m behind the desk.)

Customer: No, I’d rather you come up here so you can show me.

Me: Oh sir I’m sorry I can’t. See I-
(Before I can explain that I cannot get to the desk due to my wheel chair he interrupts and suddenly becomes irate)

Customer: Why the f*ck not?! I knew it, you were planning to look through my private information weren’t you?!

Me: *shocked and confused*…n-no sir, I am simply unable to come to the desk due to m-

Customer: Screw you! I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes and had to walk all the way here from (location) which is another 20 minute walk. If I can do that, you can get off your lazy ass and get to the desk!

Me: Sir, I am trying to explain that I cannot stand up due to my current condition. (At this point I roll my wheelchair backwards and show in clear view that my leg is in a cast and the other is wrapped up)

Customer: *visibly turns a little pale* Oh….Oh I’m so sorry. I just….I mean….

Me: Sir, if I may, you probably had a long day. Lets just take a look at the tablet and get it fixed ok?

Customer: Yeah….yeah….Thanks.

(I fixed the problem and he got his email back. He came back the next day with a box that contained all kinds of goodies and he apologized for his behavior. First time I had a customer that actually felt bad about yelling to me.)

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Only Thing “Expecting” Is A New-Born Fury

, , , | Related | October 15, 2019

(I’m about to meet my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. He tells me that his sister can appear a bit blunt sometimes but she doesn’t mean it that way. “She’s really a darling!” Also worthy of mentioning is that I decided to remain childless.)

Boyfriend’s Sister: “Ah, so, you are my little brother’s new girlfriend, are you? Well, my daughter has a question for you.” *to her daughter* “Don’t you, sweetie?”

Daughter: “Um… yeah… Can I have a little niece?”

(The sister looks at me expectantly with a gaze as if she would skin me alive if I dared to give a wrong answer.)

Me: “Sorry, kiddo. But I’m not going to have any children.”

Boyfriend’s Sister: “Well, isn’t that charming?! You just crushed a little nine-year-old girl’s hopes and dreams! How do you feel about that?”

(She laughed as if it was a better joke than it was but her eyes were shooting daggers. I decided to keep a polite distance from her and avoid any deep conversational topics. What a way to meet the family.)

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“Normal Girls” Belong In The Past

, , , , | Related | October 13, 2019

(I’m the first in my mother’s family to attend university, and everyone is very proud of me… except for one person, apparently. I find this out when I visit my aunt and uncle one day and find my aunt looking torn between frustration and laughter.)

Me: “Hey, what’s the matter?”

Aunt: “I just got back from visiting [Great Aunt who lives in a nursing home and is experiencing the onset of dementia]. I told her you were going to university, and you know what she said?”

Me: *wondering if I want to know* “No, what was it?”

Aunt: “She said, ‘Why does [My Name] have to go to university? Why can’t she just work behind the cash register like a normal girl?'”

(Not that there’s anything wrong with working in retail, but “like a normal girl”? Gee, thanks, Auntie!)

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