During national elections, I, a radio reporter, visit a municipality widely known to have a pretty consistent voting trend.

Me: “Excuse me, miss, have you already voted today?”

Voter: “Of course, I have! I’m doing my part.”

Me: “Great! May I ask what party you’ve voted for?”

In our country, we have tens of parties to choose from, with viewpoints all over the chart.

Voter: “Wow, are you even allowed to ask that?”

Me: “Oh, sure, I am! It’s not forbidden or anything. You are, of course, under no obligation to answer, rest assured. But one may ask, and the other may answer.”

Voter: “Oh, really? Wow, well, I still find it a bit of a taboo to go public with one’s voting preference. I guess I’d rather not say.”

Me: “I understand, no problem at all. Did you hear that [Right-Wing Party] currently has the majority of votes in [This City]?”

Voter: “Well, I bloody well hope so!”

I send an email to an online store in my country.

Me: “You have sent me the wrong thing.”

Webshop: “Just send it back and we will send you the right thing. However, if you decide to also keep the wrong thing, we will have to charge you for it.”

I am not a lawyer, but I do know our national consumer law.

Me: “Thank you. By the way, it is illegal to require payment for something that you have sent by mistake.”

This law is in place so that scammers can’t just send people stuff and demand payment. The law is from way before online shopping when crooks just put unwanted stuff in people’s mailboxes and then came back later demanding money. In the case of an actual order, the responsibility to deliver the ordered item to the address given lies completely with the seller. As a result of this law, any receiver is allowed to keep any unasked for, incorrect, or wrongly delivered items for free.

But the webshop doesn’t believe me.

Webshop: “No, if you keep the wrong thing, we will charge you for it.”

I sent the “wrong thing” back, of course, but not because of their threat. Only one of these days they are going to do this to an actual lawyer.

I’m done with my groceries and get in line.

Cashier: “Excuse me, miss, could you place this sign at the end of the line so I can close after helping you?”

Me: “Of course!”

I take the sign and place it behind my groceries. It’s quite the sign, pretty hard to miss, but this wouldn’t be on this site if it ended there! And yes, an older man starts unloading his groceries, putting the sign aside.

Cashier: “Excuse me, sir, I’m about to close.”

The man doesn’t respond.

Cashier: “Sir, this cash register is closed.”

The man looks up. He looks around, bewildered.

Me: “The cash register is closed; that’s why the sign was there.”

Customer: “What sign? And why would you close? You still have customers! How dare you close when there are still customers?!”

Cashier: “Sir, my shift is over, but there are plenty of other cash registers still open. There’s only one person at register one.”

Customer: “You still have customers!” *Packs everything in his cart again* “You’re here to help customers!”

He leaves anyway and I can hear him say something while waiting in line one, but I have no idea what. The cashier sighs and mutters.

Cashier: “Sorry that I want to go home after an eight-hour shift.” *Sees me* “Oh, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Oh, you don’t have to apologize for a boomer who can’t wait two more minutes.”

Cashier: “I didn’t mean you—”

Me: “Then I certainly heard nothing. So, what’s my total? And yes, to the receipt and I’d like to pay with my card. Thank you and have a lovely evening!”

I made sure I hurried so the girl could go home. It sounded like she needed it. While I packed my groceries, I saw the man walking to Customer Service. I saw who was on duty. I know that woman; she doesn’t take crap from anyone. I would love to have been a fly on that wall!

I used to work at a company that processed mail for other companies. Whenever a customer sent in a letter or form to one of those companies that were our clients, it was actually sent to our office. This included promotional mail which people returned for whatever reason.

Some of our clients did so much promotion through mailings that some potential customers made very clear how fed up they were with it. This included many swear words written on the envelopes, but it also sometimes included filling the envelopes with some weird stuff in the hopes of getting back at them, not realising that the effect would be limited to the people processing the mail, even if those had been working for the client company directly.

The most innocent examples were the ones attaching a brick or a piece of wood to the envelope, the idea being that the client company now had to pay the postage for that, as if that would really harm them.

Others went to more weird and disgusting measures. There were envelopes filled with nude pictures cut out from some cheap dirty magazines, envelopes that felt like an adult toy was stuffed in there, envelopes filled with itching powder, or envelopes filled with gravel. Why people thought this would really shock a big business is beyond me, but who cares.

The worst cases in the end weren’t even the envelopes filled with the indecent stuff or even actual garbage (like a package that felt like it just contained a pair of old shoes). The worst were the anthrax hoaxes some dissatisfied customers pulled off. It happened about three times during my time there. Every time, it turned out to be innocent, but not before some special experts from the police arrived to make this conclusion. Until that time, the room where it happened would have to be closed off.

In the end, it had resulted in a policy that every suspect envelope was to be thrown out without opening. Therefore, the attempts at revenge actually backfired since the return wouldn’t be processed. Given the frights or distress that they sometimes created, I can’t feel sorry for those people.

During those years, my wife and I visited a friend, and one of the “physical spammer” companies once was brought up in conversation.

Friend: “Well, if you want to make them stop, just send the envelope back with a brick attached to it.”

My Wife: “I used to think that too, until [My Name] had to stay locked in his office a few times due to anthrax hoaxes. It’s not funny at all.

After two years of working from home, I return to the office. I see a coworker whom I haven’t seen in real life in that same time, and we start chatting near the coffee machine.

Coworker #1: “And how is Robin doing?”

Me: “Oh, Robin is fine. The only odd thing is that he’s lately very obsessed with my bras. He keeps on sniffing the one I wore that day. I tried giving him an old one to fool around with, but no, it has to be the one I wore that day.”

Coworker #1: “And he never did that before?”

Me: “No, but I guess as long as he doesn’t rip them, I’m okay with it.”

Coworker #2: “[My Name], how could you?!”

Me: “Eh… excuse me? Oh, hi, [Coworker #2], didn’t see you.”

Coworker #2: “How old is Robin now?”

Me: “Eh… seven years old?”

Coworker #2: “And you just let this happen?! You should put a stop to this, right now! Sure, it may be bras now, but what’s next, panties?! And you’re just okay with that? [My Name], you of all, people, I expected more of. How can you be okay with this? And don’t go saying, ‘Boys will be boys’! What does your husband say about this?”

Me: *Pauses* “[Coworker #2], you do remember that Robin is my cat, right?”

I’ve never seen anyone turn that red. [Coworker #2] quickly left; she must have remembered that my husband and I don’t have any children. And while I am looking into my cat’s behaviour, I doubt a seven-year-old, neutered, indoor cat will be the world’s next danger for women.