Baffled By Buffoonery

, , , | Working | September 12, 2020

I’m getting tired of salesmen at my door trying to sell me yet another energy plan. I have put a sticker by my door saying, “To whoever rings this doorbell: if you are here to spread your faith, sell anything, or give advice about energy suppliers, we will charge you twenty-five euros per conversation to listen to your story. You are required to pay this sum in advance. By pressing this doorbell, you agree with the aforementioned terms.”

It’s sarcasm, of course, but most people get the message. Some keep on trying, though.

I’m on my computer in the room next to my front door. I see a salesman waving frantically at me through the window. I point toward the sign by my door, but he keeps waving. Frustrated, I go to open the door.

Me: “I know you are here to sell but I’m not buying. Didn’t you see the sign?”

Salesman: “No, I didn’t see any sign from way over there!”

He points two feet to the side, where he was standing as he was waving.

Salesman: “Besides, I didn’t actually ring the doorbell, so…”

He seems all proud of himself for discovering that loophole — how could he have known that without reading the sign, I wonder — and launches into his sales pitch.

Me: “Let me stop you right there. You are the fifth representative for energy suppliers I’ve had on my doorstep this month alone. I’m not interested.”

Salesman: “But we’re the cheapest!”

Me: “Yeah, so they all say. Now leave.”

The salesman death-glared at me, then sulked away, muttering under his breath.

I get that they have a job to do, but why they choose to be complete buffoons about it still baffles me.

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Do You Need To Be Drunk To Enjoy Your Family’s Happiness?

, , , , , | Related | September 11, 2020

My love and I are going to get married and we have an occasion where we can tell family members in person and we’re not stealing the spotlight from someone else.

Me: “So, the cards will come in a few weeks. Please let us know if you come!”

Aunt: “Of course I’ll come! I love wedding parties!”

Wife-To-Be: “Yes, and we decided to do things our way, so expect things to be different. But what and how things will be different… will be a surprise!”

Aunt: “Oh, that’s okay. Just place me at the bar and I’ll have the best time of my life!”

Me: “Yeah, about that… We decided to keep this wedding alcohol-free. There will be no alcohol served.”

My aunt snaps her head around to look at me. Her smile is gone. 

Aunt: “What did you say?”

Me: “We… asked the bar to not serve any alcoholic beverages.”

Aunt: “But… but… why?!”

Wife-To-Be: “We have our reasons. Besides, we want everyone to have fun and not have to worry about who has to drive.”

Aunt: “Oh… okay.”

Uncle: “Well, we’ll be looking forward to your invitation!”

My aunt and uncle did not attend the wedding; they had forgotten about a planned vacation they booked one week after we told them. Such a shame.

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Totally Useless Humor

, , | Right | September 11, 2020

I work in a secondhand/thrift store. I’m approached by a teenage girl.

Teenager: “You work here? Come with me.” 

I don’t even get the chance to say a word before she walks past me and leads me to the furniture aisle, where her mother is waiting with a lamp in her hand.

Me: “You had a question, ma’am?”

Mother: “Yes. I want to buy this lamp along with this side table over here, but the lamp is a bit wobbly, see?”

She shakes the lamp hood which wobbles a teeny bit.

Mother: “I want a discount! Can I pay [price] for the set?”

Me: “Well, as it is a store with used and secondhand products, there can be slight imperfections. And since we already are giving you the lowest price possible, I think, we usually don’t do a lot of discounting. But I’m not the one doing the pricing on these things. You can ask my more qualified coworkers by the counter—”

The mother cuts me off and talks to her daughter.

Mother: “Honey, you dragged the wrong one here!”

Teenager: “So you are completely useless!”

They both smile as if it’s a joke. I don’t think calling someone ”useless” is a joke.

Me: “Or I could walk to the back storage and ask my supervisor. Just a second.”

I walk to the back, which is closer for me to walk to than the front counter, anyway, and go to my supervisor. I am glad I don’t have to deal with them anymore.

Me: “[Supervisor], can you go help these ladies there with a question about a lamp and a table?”

She goes out to help them while I resume my usual work in the storage. My supervisor comes back and seems pleased. 

Me: “Did you give them the discount?”

Supervisor: “Oh, yes! They were so polite about it, I thought, ‘Why not?’” 

Me: “Well, at least I’m glad they treated you politely. When I couldn’t provide them the answer they wanted, the girl called me ‘useless.’”

Supervisor: *Eyes narrowing* “They did? Oh, my… Now I regret that discount.”

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For Most Customers, This Does Not Matter

, , , | Right | September 9, 2020

I work in a call centre for a housing company. A man calls the repair line and I take the call. After my usual hello spiel:

Caller: “Yes, I found out that my kitchen does not have a hood above my furnace and that the location of the kitchen is all wrong on the map. This is terrible! And…”

He goes on and on about the location and the missing hood, which was never present to begin with.

Me: “Uh-huh… yes… ah…”

I am making the usual I-am-listening sounds.

Caller: “Hello?! Are you still there?!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am listening to your story.”

Caller: “Ah, good. Well, my kitchen doesn’t have a hood and it’s located on the wrong side of the house—”

He starts all over again.

Caller: “Hello?! Are you still there?!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I heard your story. But what is your question?”

Caller: “Does that even matter?!”

He hung up the phone and I was left wondering what had just happened.

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She Has Some Serious Baggage

, , , | Right | September 7, 2020

I work as a cashier a big Dutch supermarket chain. An old woman in a mobility scooter comes up to my register.

Me: “Good morning, ma’am.”

The old woman remains silent. I start ringing her up.

Old Woman: “Put it in a bag.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and that will be a total of seventeen euros, please.”

Old Woman: “Put it in a bag.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

I put her groceries in a plastic bag.

Me: “Would you like to pay cash or with a card?”

Old Woman: “Put it in a bag, b****.”

Me: “I already put it in a bag, ma’am.”

The lady continues shouting at me to put her stuff in a bag and throws ten euros on the register.

Me: *Trying to stay polite* “Ma’am, as it is a total of seventeen euros, I need seven more, please.”

Old Woman: “You b****, just put the d*** things in a bag!”

Me: “Ma’am, I already did that; you can see it laying at the other side of the register.”

She ended up throwing another ten euros on the register, and she made a fuss about me not giving enough money back. In her defense, maybe she had an illness that made her act like that. I don’t know. I have been working for two and a half years as a cashier, but that was the first time a customer called me a b****!

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