Not A Picture-Perfect Celebrity Encounter

, , | Right | June 7, 2017

(I’m a public photographer at a local dolphin park, meaning I stand at the entrance and ask people if they want to have their picture taken, which they can purchase at a kiosk later, granted that they like the picture. I approach a man and a woman.)

Me: “Good day, would you like to have your picture taken?”

Guest: “What does that cost?”

Me: “The pictures are eight euros each, but it’s totally non-binding if you choose not to purchase the picture.”

Guest: “Eight euros? That little? That’s ridiculous! We mostly charge way more for our pictures!”

Me: *thinking i misheard him* “Ehm, excuse me?”

Guest: *points at the woman* “Don’t you know who this is! She’s famous! Hence, YOU should pay us for the right of taking a picture of us! I can’t believe you don’t know who she is!”

Me: “With all due respect, I have never seen you people in my life and even if you were somehow famous, the picture still costs eight euros to purchase.”

(The woman stands there smugly, but says nothing all this time.)

Guest: “I’m her manager! I tell you, she’s famous!” *suddenly smiling* “Lucky you, getting to take a picture of this celebrity! This is [Woman]!” *as if it should ring an obvious bell*

Me: “Again, I have never heard of you nor seen you. If you choose not to get a picture, that is fine…”

Guest: “I do! But you gotta pay me.”

Me: “No. It doesn’t work that way.”

Guest: “Well, FINE then! But you missed out on an opportunity to photograph [Woman]. She’s famous!”

(They stormed off. Judging on how they looked it was probably one of those Dutch-Schlager genre karaoke singers. We have a lot of those here in the Netherlands; people who can’t exactly sing but still change their name to ‘Singer Whatever,’ because they sang over an pre-programmed synth beat once and recorded it and think they are Lady Gaga ever since.)

Neck-Breaking Calmness

, , , | Related | June 7, 2017

(When I was a kid, I went out swimming in the river close to my house one day with some friends. At one point, we want to dive into the river head first, but I don’t realise the river is very shallow at that point, so I end up landing on my head, hard. One of my friends is sent to inform my mother, and this is how they choose to do so:)

Kid: *calmly and cheerfully* “Mrs. [Name], I just wanted to let you know [My Name] fell on her head. But you don’t have to worry; the ambulance is already there.”

(My mother never ran so fast in her entire life. I had actually broken my neck, but after several months in the hospital with sandbags on both sides of my head so I couldn’t move it, I made a full recovery, and a year later I even became regional judo-champion!)

Stealing Never Tasted So Sweet

, , , | Friendly | June 2, 2017

(When I was a kid, my parents had an allotment garden on the edge of the town, where they used to grow lots of vegetables and fruits. Near the lane, there was a bramble. One day, my mother sees a small family, shamelessly eating OUR blackberries from it! My mom goes to take a look and speak up to them.)

Lady: “Are these blackberries yours, ma’am? Really, delicious!”

(Seriously, what the…?)

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