(For years, I used to be single and in the end I started to get really unhappy about that. Since it really became a big issue, lots of friends and coworkers start to give me advice. In some cases I ask for this; in most cases, I don’t. In all cases, I feel uncomfortable with the advice and ignore most of it. I sign up for several dating sites, but don’t get any real life dates from it, frustrating me even more. Some people say I should go on Tinder, including one who had advised me not to go on a dating site, since it is all on looks. Other people start “advising” me I should just wait, as if I hadn’t done that and as if waiting means it will all work out in just a few weeks. I decide there’s no system and that I’m tired of all the nosy people around me, so I quit dating for a while. A few months later, I start feeling lonely again and sign up to a better recommended dating site. At first, the experiment seems to fail again, but then, a nice girl starts talking to me and we have a really nice chat. From that, the dating starts and a few months later she asks me to be her boyfriend. More than a year after that, we decide to go live together. After five months living together, I meet some old friends who used to give me lots of advice about dating.)

Friend #1: “How is everything with you and [Girlfriend]?”

Me: “Good. And how’s your love life?”

Friend #1: “Single again. Had a girlfriend. Didn’t work out.”

Friend #2: “Well, I know the feeling.”

Friend #3: “Don’t worry, lads. I’ve been dating for years. But somehow…”

Friend #1: “Wait… This is a historical moment! [My Name] is the only one here who isn’t single!”

(Which really gave me the feeling I was right to ignore them all along.)

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we are friends. I get invited to her birthday at their bungalow in the woods. This conversation happens while passing each other in a doorway, with no other people in earshot:)

Me: “Your house is lovely! It must be a breeze to live out here.”

Her: “It is! Oh, why don’t you come live here? We could be [Ex-boyfriend]’s wives together!’

Me: *awkward blank stare*

Me: “Hey, can I hitch a ride with you?”

Friends: *teasingly* “I’m not a taxi!”

Me: “I know. I’m not paying you, am I?”

(My boyfriend asked me to marry him while we are on vacation and we decide to wait to tell our family until we were back. This happens while at my parents’ house.)

Me: “So [Boyfriend] asked me to marry him and I said yes!”

(My parents congratulate us.)

Brother: *puts hand on my stomach* “So, am I going to be an uncle now?”

Me: “No, that’s just fat.”

(Yeah, thanks, little brother. Really makes me feel secure with my body!)

(I work in a store that sells books and movies. This is an email conversation.)

Customer: “I would like to know if [Title] has subtitles.”

(The title in question only appears in book form on our list.)

Coworker: “We cannot find the requested DVD; could you please let us know the article number?”

(The customer sends the number of the book.)

Coworker: “Thank you for your email, but this is information about a book.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know it’s a book; I still would like to know if it has subtitles.”

(It wasn’t even a children’s book or a book to learn a language. I had to explain that books, in general, don’t have subtitles.)

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