I Am Me And I Am He

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2019

(This is an email conversation:)

Customer: “I keep getting all these emails from you about different pricing and rock-bottom pricing deals and how you want to give me stuff. Tell me more about this.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot find a [Customer] in our database, nor can I find an account attached to [email provided]. Under what name, email address, and physical address is your account listed?”

Customer: “I have no idea. Just answer my questions.”

Me: “If you have ‘no idea’ what name the account is under, or what email address or physical address, I cannot assist you, I’m sorry. Your first email could be referring to a number of things we’re offering. Please clarify the account information and I’d be glad to assist you.”

Customer: “Forget about the sale, then.”

(If you have no idea who you are, how I am I supposed to know who you are?)

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Out Of Office And Out Of Their Minds

, , , , , | Working | October 10, 2019

(I work as an IT technician. One summer, I am travelling with my wife to visit her family for two weeks, so I put my Out Of Office on, as required by my boss. Two days into my holiday, I decide to log in to my work email to see what is going on in my absence. I have an email from someone fairly senior in the company:)

Senior Person: “Hi, [My Name]. Could you please give me access to [HR System]? Thanks, [Senior Person].”

(After reading it, I think, “Yeah, I’m not going to bother replying, because my Out Of Office will respond to her and tell her that I’m out of the office and to open a helpdesk ticket.” In any case, she SHOULD have been opening a helpdesk ticket, anyway, instead of emailing me directly. I foolishly choose to do nothing about the email, close my email client, and go to enjoy the rest of my holiday. About a week later, I log in to check my email again and I have another email, this time slightly nasty, from someone in our HR department:)

Demanding Lady From HR: “Dear [My Name], I understand that [Senior Person] emailed you a week ago to get access to our [HR System]. She’s had no response from you and so, in desperation, emailed me today to see if I can give her access which, unfortunately, I can’t. Please give her access as soon as possible. It is also not very professional to ignore emails from senior people in other departments. Please bear that in mind. Thanks, [Demanding Lady From HR].”

(I realised I needed to do something, so I replied to the HR lady and said that (1) [Senior Person] should have opened a helpdesk ticket rather than emailing me directly, because then ANYONE in our team could have picked it up and actioned it the same day, (2) if [Senior Person] had bothered to read my Out Of Office response, she’d have known that I was on holiday and was NOT ignoring her, and (3) this time round I would forward her email to our helpdesk system which would open a ticket for her automatically. The demanding HR lady responded to me, all apologetic and saying she “hadn’t realised I was out of the office,” which I found surprising because she would have got an Out Of Office response when she sent me her email. The lesson I learned here was NOT to check my work email when on holiday, so I never did it again!)

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Unfiltered Story #168382

, , | Unfiltered | September 26, 2019

(We require everyone who wants to use our services to sign up with their email address in order to prevent spamming en masse – if you’re going to be nasty on the website, don’t forget we have your email. An 8-year-old is attempting to sign up. Note that on the chat service, chat is broadcast like ” Message”)
Me: So you have to go to [website] and click on the yellow button.
Child: Which one?
Me: Uh, the one that says “SIGN UP” in big letters on it.
Child: The yellow one?
Me: …. yes.
Child: What now?
Me: You register with your in game username, password and email.
Child: What do I put in the username box?
Me: Your username.
Child: What’s my username?
Me: ….. [his username]. It says before your messages.
Child: Ok, so I put that in the username box?
Me: YES.
Child: Ok….. what’s my password?

Love And Sarcasm: Together They Can Beat Anything

, , , , , | Romantic | September 15, 2019

(My husband gets a new coworker who was supposed to be of higher qualification, but this guy is consistently behind and incomplete on his work, so my husband has to pick up after him. Thankfully, the coworker transfers to another job at a different company — for a while. I get this text from my beloved while we are both at work.)

Husband: “So, that incompetent guy is back. His other job ‘fell through,’ which I’m guessing means he sucked there, too. Now I get to find ways to keep him occupied while I’m busy.”

Me: *texting back* “Sorry, hun. By ‘fell through,’ I’m imagining someone cutting the floor out from under him Looney-Tunes style.”

Husband: “Yeah, but he’s holding the saw.”

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Instant Messages From Heaven

, , , , , , | Related | August 19, 2019

My grandmother passed away. My family and I cleaned out her home, donating some goods, throwing away some, and keeping some. Among those items kept was a tablet. My aunt gave me the password, and it was decided I would keep it.

The first time I turned on the tablet, a few weeks after she passed, I decided to snoop through what pictures, music, games, and other apps my grandmother had on there. I know, invasion of privacy and all, but inquiring minds wanted to know. I then went over to her Facebook and also opened the Facebook Messenger app. It turns out she had never opened or used the app before, and as those of us who use the app know, the first time you open the app, it sends a notification to your friends letting them know you’re now on the service, and they can contact you there. It also showed her as “online.” Not two minutes later, I — or rather, my grandmother — receive a message from my sister.

“Uhh… Nini? Hello?”

I quickly changed the status to offline, closed the app, and shut down the tablet. I haven’t touched it since. I then sent a text to my sister letting her know that no, her dead grandmother was not using Facebook in Heaven.

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