Finish The Endgame Before Phase Parenting Starts

, , , , , | Related | May 20, 2019

(This goes down on my family’s WhatsApp group while one of my sisters is heavily pregnant with her first child, and shortly after the last movie in a long-running franchise is released:)

Sister #1: “I started having regular contractions about half an hour ago, so we’re going to the hospital to check now.”

Sister #2: “Did you get to see Avengers beforehand?”

1 Thumbs
242

My Family, And Other Animals, Part 12

, , , , , | Related | May 17, 2019

(My family lives in several different countries, and one of the ways we keep in touch is through a messaging group where we send each other pictures. It can get pretty goofy, but this day is one of the best. Keep in mind this is all over chat:)

Me: *sends pictures from zoo*

Brother: “Wow! Did you just get back from the zoo? I went today, too!” *sends pictures from different zoo*

Sister: “We felt a bit left out, so we decided to stop by our local zoo, too!”

(She sent us pictures of my niece and nephew dressed in hooded dinosaur onesies with a sign on the crib that said, “Please don’t feed the animals.” Gotta love family!)

Related:
My Family And Other Animals, Part 11
My Family And Other Animals, Part 10
My Family And Other Animals, Part 9

1 Thumbs
447

About To Do A Road Trip Flip

, , , , | Friendly | May 16, 2019

(I’m a broke college student living in central Florida where everything is overpriced due to the major theme parks here, on top of a great many other things. My friend texts me and my boyfriend one day.)

Friend: “Hey, want to go on a road trip? My boyfriend and I are thinking of going to the beach. It could be a double date!”

Me: “Oof, sorry. We don’t have any money to spare.”

Friend: “No! We won’t have to spend anything. We can bring food from home, and we’ll just make it a day trip, so no hotels! We can even carpool!

Me: “Let me check with [Boyfriend].”

(He says sure, as long as we aren’t staying overnight and aren’t planning on buying a bunch of junk food.)

Me: “Okay, we’re good. When would we go?”

Friend: “This Saturday.”

Me: “All right, great.”

(That weekend rolls around, and she texts us again.)

Friend: “When are y’all picking us up?”

Me: “Er, we figured you’d be driving.”

Friend: “No, we can’t pay for all that gas.”

(I want to strangle her, but at that point, we’ve already gotten ready, had another friend pick up our dog, and prepared our food, so we just let it go and pick them up. However…)

Friend: *at the trunk of our car* “There’s not enough space back here for our tent.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you’d be bringing it, since it’s so nice outside, and it’s just the four of us.”

Friend: “Four? No, [Her Boyfriend]’s sister and her girlfriend are coming, too!”

Me: “Really? Okay.”

(It’s not. I’m seriously mad.)

Friend: “At least they said they aren’t bringing much. It should all fit at their feet.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Friend’s Boyfriend: *walking up to hear the last bit* “They were supposed to take the third row in your car. I thought that was why you offered?”

Me: “I didn’t offer, and I didn’t even know your sister was coming!”

(My friend’s boyfriend was livid. We did go on the trip, but it was tense. All SIX of us in one car, with a ton of stuff? No, thanks. No surprise, about a month later her boyfriend broke up with her because she pulled a similar stunt with his parents, making them pay for an expensive surprise party for him.)

1 Thumbs
402

Spend €8 For A Priceless Moment

, , , , , | Friendly | May 15, 2019

(I have a friend who loves designer handbags. Still, she would never buy such frivolous nonsense for herself, as she expects to be given expensive things by men. She once joined my husband and me on a holiday, which she mostly spent window shopping at every bag shop she encountered, wasting a lot of precious sightseeing time educating us on all her material wishes. A year after the catastrophic trip, my husband and I are abroad again. One day, he brings back a cheap, used counterfeit handbag from a flea market, proud to be the first man to ever buy my friend a bag of her favourite brand. We decide to have some fun, so I message her.)

Me: “[Husband] has bought a handbag for another woman today! Should I be worried?”

Friend: “Which handbag?”

Me: “Who cares?! Tell me your opinion; do you think it’s troublesome that he buys stuff for someone else than me?”

Friend: “Depends on the handbag.”

Me: “It is brown and quite ugly, and it smells strange. So, tell me, what is that bag saying about the state of our marriage?”

Friend: “Send a photo; I cannot judge the situation without seeing it first.”

(We pose for a selfie: my husband grinning and slapping his forehead, me with an overly dramatic, panicked expression.)

Friend: “Not of you! I need to see the handbag!”

(I send a badly-lit photo of the handbag in its plastic bag.)

Friend: “Take it out! It could be a [Brand Bag]!”

(I write a price tag, formerly 1600 Euro, now only 799, and place it on the unobscured handbag.)

Me: “Happy? Can we discuss the actual matter now?”

Friend: “It’s a [Brand Bag]! It’s the [Model]! Steal it from him!”

Me: “Really?”

Friend: “It’s sooo beautiful! He should have consulted me, though; usually it’s just 550 Euro.”

Me: “He must have thought that the woman is worth more.”

Friend: “She is really lucky! You should take it from him; then he can’t give it to her!”

Me: “What if [Husband] just buys another one? It wouldn’t solve any of my problems! Besides, it’s ugly and I don’t need a bag.”

Friend: “How can you say that?! I have always wanted this exact bag! It deserves to be loved and worshipped!”

Me: “So, do you want to know anything about the woman? I’m still waiting for your advice!”

Friend: “Sure.”

Me: “She has a strange desire for expensive things and can sometimes be incredibly slow. Who does this sound like?”

Friend: “Forget the other woman. You have to steal the bag from him immediately! And then you give it to me!”

Me: “How am I supposed to do that?”

Friend: “You wait until he is asleep, and then hide the bag. I’m going to meet you at the airport and make it disappear. What is he doing right now?”

Me: “He has been shaking his head since we started texting, and just muttered something about live reality TV and an exceptionally stupid person. Any ideas what that could mean?”

Friend: “See, he doesn’t even care about how you feel right now! Another sign that the bag should be mine!”

(The next morning:)

Me: “So, have you figured out who the materialistic woman the handbag is for could be?”

Friend: “No, but you are going to steal it for me today!”

(A couple of days later, we are back home and I meet my friend.)

Me: *handing her the wrapped bag* “Here, I stole the ugly thing for you.”

Friend: “Wow, really? I didn’t think you would actually dare to do that! Wonderful! Did [Husband] notice?”

Me: “Sure.”

Friend: “What did he say?!”

Me: “After he bought it, ‘I have got the perfect gift for [Friend]!’, and this morning, ‘How can [Friend] be so ignorant?’.”

Friend: “It was for me?! I’m so happy– Hey, wait, no! This bag is fake!”

(I’m not sure if that or the whole prank bothered her more. To this day, she has been waiting for a millionaire to magically appear and reward her with a luxurious life. My husband still refers to the incident as the best 8 Euro ever spent on entertainment. I now know who to never consult when I have relationship problems.)

1 Thumbs
420

Something Odd About That But Can’t Put My Finger On It

, , , | Related | May 8, 2019

(My family is spread out over three states and two countries, so most of our day-to-day communication is done through various online chats and groups. My sister has two kids and periodically sends us photo and video updates of what they’re up to. Recently, she sent us a video of her one-and-a-half-year-old eating yogurt straight out of the container with his fingers. This conversation ensues:)

Sister: “Lucky [Son]… He doesn’t have to think about clean-up!”

Me: “Does he have something against spoons?”

Sister: “Well, he used one for a while, but clearly the finger method made it tastier.”

Me: “True… Food is always tastier without utensils!”

(When I relayed this conversation to my boyfriend, who always asks if anyone wants a fork and knife when we eat pizza, he seemed slightly horrified at the idea. I can’t wait to see him spend time with a toddler!)

1 Thumbs
236