We Have An Irony Warehouse

, , , , , , | Working | March 2, 2020

(I work in a building that is half office spaces and half warehouse. Most of the warehouse staff does not have a work computer of their own to use like those of us in the office area. One of our new VPs sends out a company-wide email with important updates and forms regarding our company’s health insurance. At the end is this gem:)

Email: “If you do not have access to a computer please contact a supervisor to review this information.”

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Typo Psycho

, , , | Right | January 11, 2020

(I work for an online store as a customer service employee, team email. Our emails always start with “Geachte heer/mevrouw,” translating it as “Dear sir/madam.” One customer is irate and one of my colleagues makes a typo in the start, “Gehate heer/mevrouw,” which you can translate as “Hated sir/madam.”)

Customer: “This is outrageous! How dare you treat me like that?”

Me: “I do apologize; it was a typo. My colleague meant, ‘[proper introduction].’”

Customer: “Stop lying! I know all the Internet slang! Your colleague just threatened me!”

Me: “Again apologies, sir, but it was a typo. My colleague had no malintent.”

Customer: “I will go to the police and file a report! Two reports! One for you guys scamming me and the other because [Colleague] threatened me! I have the email as proof!”

(It was then decided it would be sent through to our main office. They, too, couldn’t convince the man it was just a typo… The original complaint? The man had given a wrong address and the order had returned, giving him a full refund.)

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Pow! What A Museum!

, , , , | Friendly | December 23, 2019

(My friend is coming to stay with me for a long weekend and we are going to tour the sites in Washington DC. We had initially planned to walk around the different monuments at the Capitol Mall the first day, but I check the weather forecast and learn that there is a high chance of rain. I decide to text my friend and suggest checking out one of the Smithsonian museums on our first day, but autocorrect has a different plan.)

Me: “It’s going to rain tomorrow. How about instead of the monuments, we go see the smut onomatopoeia?”

(I hit send.)

Me: “Uh… I meant the Smithsonian museum.”

Friend: “Haha, sure, that sounds good.”

Me: “What the heck is a smut onomatopoeia?”

Friend: “I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m guessing it’s a wet, squishy sound.”

Friend: “Ew!”

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All Jobs In Moderation

, , , | Right | December 17, 2019

(I am one of a small number of people who moderate the text-only chatroom part of a video livestream. The chatroom has a small community of regular viewers and a set of fairly well-defined rules, including “no typing in all-capitals,” which we enforce as fairly but firmly as we can. The regulars are used to the rules and respect that they create a pleasant chat experience for all, but we still get newbies trying to argue that we are “too strict” and “unfair.” This is by far the best silly argument we’ve gotten.)

New Viewer: “Hey! You moderators should calm down. Look around; you’re the only ones who really care about the capitals! Just chill out, sit back, and watch the stream!”

Me: “Did you really just tell us to stop doing our jobs?”

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We Knew The Pacific Coast Highway Was A Scam!

, , , , , | Legal | December 2, 2019

(A work friend of mine is hacked on a social networking site, leading me to get a text from someone claiming to be him. I know immediately it isn’t him and I decide to have some fun. This is the exchange verbatim, grammatical errors and all:)

Faux Friend: “Hello How are you doing?”

Me: “I’m good, thanks. How about you?”

Faux Friend: “Good, Well Life Is Treating Me Good And God Has Blessed Me Through (PCH) , I Don’t Know If You Have Heard About Them?”

Me: “Pacific Coast Highway? I used to drive it all the time, back in the day.”

Faux Friend: “I Meant The Cash Donated To Randomly Selected People By The Publishers Clearing House(PCH) to Help and Support People Financially…You’ve Not Gotten Yours?”

Me: “You’re talking about the Illuminati, aren’t you?”

Faux Friend: “OMG. I Got $300,000 Cash From Them! But I Saw Your Name Entitled To The Cash Bonus When Mine Was Delivered To My Doorstep…And I Thought You Would Have Gotten Yours. Am Serious About This And It’s a Life Time Opportunity. Do You Know How To Contact The Claiming Agent To Find More About What Am Actually Talking About?”

Me: “I’ve told you before, I want nothing to do with them! They ruined my math teacher’s life! You should stay away from them! You don’t know what they’ll expect you to do for that money!”

Faux Friend: “This is real and legitimate I was only asked to pay for certificate fee which is $300 And I was delivered in 2 hours.”

Me: “It’s not about some measly $3,000 fee. It’s about what comes next. Have you sworn the oath already?”

Faux Friend: “And also there are a lot of scams am sure that’s why your teacher was scammed But PCH program is real and legitimate, more so I got my money delivered to my Doorstep”

Me: “You think the Illuminati is nothing but a scam? They’re the ones who murdered Vince Vaughn, not Hillary Clinton!”

Faux Friend: “I dont know about the illuminati program but, I will share you the direct PCH manager link so you can claim your winning money asap.. Thank me later you will never regret because asap you got your money you can also tell you Teacher about it…”

Me: “You need to give back that money before it’s too late.”

Faux Friend: “The money is mine [My Name] and not fake I can never pull your leg trust Me apply for it and thank God through me.”

Me: “I KNOW IT’S REAL MONEY!”

Faux Friend: “So you should not doubt me, I will share you now And also the federal government is aware of this and you will see the PCH is 100% real and is not a gimmick.”

Me: “Look, you probably have some time, a grace period. Come over; I’ll call Henry. He can get you someplace safe. Leave the money!”

Faux Friend: “[LINK TO “PCH”]”

Me: Why couldn’t you just have joined the Scientologists, if you needed money so bad?”

Faux Friend: “Text them now that you are ready to claim your winning money.”

Me: “I’ll text saying you want out. Leave the money on the doorstep. And stay away from the windows!”

Faux Friend: “Just text them now and let me know how it goes… I want to hear the good news from you.”

Me: “I can’t. I’m calling your mother.”

(I never heard from him again. BTW, I deliberately changed his $300 to $3,000 because I wanted to keep him around. The thing about Hillary Clinton murdering Vince Vaughn came from I guy I met on a bus in 2009, who assured me he knew many things about her. I was disappointed not to be able to throw him off his game.)

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