Instant Messages From Heaven

, , , , , , | Related | August 19, 2019

My grandmother passed away. My family and I cleaned out her home, donating some goods, throwing away some, and keeping some. Among those items kept was a tablet. My aunt gave me the password, and it was decided I would keep it.

The first time I turned on the tablet, a few weeks after she passed, I decided to snoop through what pictures, music, games, and other apps my grandmother had on there. I know, invasion of privacy and all, but inquiring minds wanted to know. I then went over to her Facebook and also opened the Facebook Messenger app. It turns out she had never opened or used the app before, and as those of us who use the app know, the first time you open the app, it sends a notification to your friends letting them know you’re now on the service, and they can contact you there. It also showed her as “online.” Not two minutes later, I — or rather, my grandmother — receive a message from my sister.

“Uhh… Nini? Hello?”

I quickly changed the status to offline, closed the app, and shut down the tablet. I haven’t touched it since. I then sent a text to my sister letting her know that no, her dead grandmother was not using Facebook in Heaven.

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In A State Of Entitlement

, , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2019

(I like to post memes on my “stories” — a social media picture post that only lasts 24 hours. One such recent post references figuring out why my head hurts — “caffeine, my ponytail, sleep deprivation, a brain tumor?” — which apparently draws this man’s attention. Day one, Monday:)

Man: “So, why does your head hurt?”

Me: *forgetting what I posted* “Sorry?”

Man: “Your head. You said it hurts.”

Me: “Oh! Haha, no, it’s okay. It’s just a joke.”

Man: “Oh, good.”

Me: “Yeah, but thank you for your concern!”

Man: “Yeah, no problem.”

(A few hours pass.)

Man: “I’m [Man].”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Man: “Where are you from, [My Name]?”

Me: “[State].”

Man: “I live in [City and State nowhere near me].”

Me: “I’ve heard it’s nice there.”

Man: “What’s so good about [My State]?”

Me: “It’s just where I’ve always lived.”

Man: “Maybe I’ll come to see you sometime.”

Me: “Do you visit [My State] often?

Man: “Never seen it before.”

Me: “Oh. Okay.”

Man: “Yeah, so when I come to see you, you can show me around.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think you should. I’m married and this is making me uncomfortable.”

Man: “Oh, sorry.”

(I then get a notification that he’s following me. I don’t go on social media every day, so when I finally do log in again on Friday, I see that I’ve missed all of this. Day two, Tuesday:)

Man: “Sorry I haven’t been texting you. I’ve been working”

Man: “Hey, you there?”

Man: “I’m trying to be nice to you.”

Man: “[My Name].”

(An hour passes.)

Man: “Hello.”

Man: “[My Name].”

(Day four, Thursday:)

Man: “Okay, [My Name], I’m trying to be cool with you and chill with you but you’re just being rude. I’m going to unfollow you.”

Man: “Probably block you, too, since you are so rude to me.”

(Day five, Friday:) 

Man: “You know what, [My Name]? I was just trying to hang and meet a cool girl but clearly, that is not you, so bye.”

(I showed my husband what I’d missed out on and he laughed. Now, every time I thank him for something, he replies with, “I’m just trying to be cool with you.” And no, my cool Internet friend still hasn’t unfollowed or blocked me.)

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Unfiltered Story #158351

, , | Unfiltered | July 20, 2019

I had been help a customer with questions about our site and everything was normal until the end of the chat.

Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: do have any other questions?
Me: I am sorry but I do not understand your question. Can you please elaborate?
Customer: is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: hope that i answered all you questions
Customer: byebye
Me: Have a nice night

Love Makes Fools Of Us All

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 8, 2019

(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.” 

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

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The Sum Of Their Scam Is Zero

, , , | Legal | June 4, 2019

(I get an instant message from someone posing as one of my friends on social media. I know it’s not her because I haven’t spoken to her in five years, because her style of talking isn’t anything like her, and because of common sense. Even though I know it’s a scam, I decide to play along.)

Scammer: “How are you doing over there? Have you heard the good news about what is happening?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Scammer: “A friend of mine told me about a program called FPWA, so I applied for it, but fortunately, I got the sum of $90,000 from them.”

Me: “Really?! Seems kind of hard to believe.”

Scammer: “Yes, it is, but I was so surprised when they brought my winnings to me at my doorstep.”

Me: “So, what do I have to do?”

Scammer: “I think you should contact the agent in charge of the grant to see if you are eligible to qualify. I have the agent’s text number with me. Mind if I give you his number for you to contact him?”

Me: “You know, I don’t think so.”

Scammer: “Oh, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What do you say?”

Me: “I’m just a little skeptical.”

Scammer: “Trust me; this is real and legit.”

(The scammer then sends me a picture of cash sitting on someone’s bed. There are a couple of 20’s, but mostly ones. At most, it’s a couple of hundred dollars.)

Scammer: “That’s the picture of when I got my winnings.”

Me: “Oh, wow, you sent me a picture of cash. I’m convinced.”

(I then search the web for a picture of cash. I find a picture of all hundreds sitting on a table. It’s a few thousand at least.)

Me: “See, I can do that, too.”

Scammer: “If that’s what you say, then. But this is real and legit.”

(I decide I have had enough.)

Me: “Look, I know this is a scam. You can stop now and spend your time trying to con someone else, or we can keep playing. Up to you.”

(After that, my “friend” didn’t have anything else to say. I’m not sure why.

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