Bambi’s New Mommy

, , , | Romantic | August 12, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are messaging each other about deer. I send him a picture of a deer that was in my yard and he replies back with many pictures of deer he has spotted at his workplace.)

Me: “I saw two babies the other day.”

Me: “They were so tiny and cute.”

Me: “I want one.”

Me: “Get me one.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “DEER BABIES.”

Me: “I MEANT DEER BABIES.”

Boyfriend: “Only if you give it a bath and tick check every day.”

Their Intent Was Lost In Translation

, , , | Working | August 8, 2017

(I sign up for a freelance translating job, take a very long test, and pass. When I am assigned my first piece of work, they also add me in a chat group of their team so we can take orders and submit work, and everyone knows what others are doing. The first time I finish and send a translated chapter of text, I receive some comments, but nothing implying that the quality of my translation is below average. The second time I send more chapters, I receive some comments which are mostly about basic formatting – e.g. shouldn’t write “haha” but “ha ha” with a space. I continue to send more chapters and suddenly the manager send me a private message:)

Manager: “Finish the chapter you’re working on and stop that story; I’ll send you another one. This one doesn’t seem to work.”

Me: “What’s wrong? Is it my wording or something?”

Manager: “Well, it’s not suitable for you; let me know what genre you’re interested in and I’ll send you those so you could do better.”

Me: “Maybe romantic, then.”

Manager: “Okay.”

(The next day I log into the group and find:)

Manager: “[My Name], please work on this story: [link]. I have to say upfront that your writing style is bad and translating skill is weak. You often mess up the meaning of the story, and either can’t translate it at all or you come up with the wrong translation. From now on I’ll only give you simple stories to work on and if after five months you show no improvement we will stop this all together.”

(I’m not one who can’t take criticism or admit I’m at fault. But apparently they preferred to humiliate the freelancers who’re working for them, rather than having a conversation that would actually help the two parties.)

For Gay Guys It’s Like Christmas In July

, , , | Romantic | August 6, 2017

(My husband is in Washington on business. He doesn’t really get the whole time zones thing, so ends up messaging me and the group chat we are all in at really odd times. I am woken up by a stream of messages he sends us, which are song lyrics.)

Me: “Why are you sending us lyrics?”

Husband: “I’m watching A Christmas Carol!”

Me: “Why? It’s July…”

Husband: “Because this hotel only has porn and this one movie!”

Me: “Then, please watch the porn and let me SLEEP!”

Husband: “I don’t think you want me watching this porn.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “It’s all gay. Like, literally every single one.”

Me: “So, there’s a hotel, in Washington, that exclusively provides gay porn? What is [Company] thinking?”

Husband: “Maybe they think I’m unfaithful, or gay?”

Me: “Well, good luck with that!”

(I turn back over and start drifting off. My phone goes off once more and I decide just to check it.)

Brother: *who is gay* “Name and address, please! This hotel sounds hot.”

(Muted for the first time ever, the phone was thrown into the hallway.)

It’s A Family Affair

, , , | Romantic | July 26, 2017

(I got a text message from my dad telling me that my step-mom had done a DNA test and that her results are back. They indicate that my step-mom has a first cousin in our extremely large metropolitan area.)

Dad: “[Step-sister] and [Step-mom] are doing their ancestry. They are finding that they could be related to the [Married Last Name] family. They traced it to a [Husband’s Paternal Grandmother] married to a [Husband’s Grandfather] in [City my in-laws live in], who died in 2008. [Husband’s Grandfather] died in 2012.”

Me: “Wait, Are you saying my husband is your wife’s first cousin once removed?! I always joked that [Husband] looked like he belonged in the family more than I did.”

Dad: “Yep!”

(I tell my husband.)

Husband: “So, does that make me your… cousband?!”

Will Need Some Brain Bleach Along With That Lotion

, , | Related | June 30, 2017

(It is a few weeks after Christmas, and I am talking to my grandmother, 82, on the phone. She is discussing the Christmas gift I gave her: a lotion set from a popular US store chain, mostly the same scent.)

Grandmother: “So, yes, [My Name], thank you for the lotion set! It’s a really good moisturizer and… your grandfather likes it, too! He is turning 84, soon so give him a call on [Date].”

Me: “Really? That’s great! Does he use it then, too, or does he think the smell isn’t manly enough?”

Grandmother: “Well, no, he doesn’t use it… but he can’t keep his hands off me when I do!”

(I never said anything to her about it, but I haven’t bought that scent in lotions since then!)

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