A Spreadsheet As Empty As Their Brain

, , , , | Working | June 18, 2017

(A colleague contacts me on Instant Messenger to ask about project progress. I need some background so I ask him for the project spreadsheet.)

Colleague: “It’s on [sharelink].”

(I try it out and I don’t have access to that sharelink. So I ask him to email it to me.)

Colleague: “Can’t email it to you; it’s too big.”

(Our mailboxes are limited to handling files of 5 megabytes. That is a h*** of a large spreadsheet if it’s bigger than 5 megabytes, considering the project has barely started.)

Colleague: “Okay, I’ve got access to that sharelink for you.”

(I access it, and see indeed, the file is 9 megabytes big. I can’t open it in situ, so I download it and open it locally. I find that it has one active sheet that consists of 75 lines of actual data, and another 1.7 million blank lines (blank, that is, apart from fancy formatting.)

Me: “Why is this file 9 megabytes big? Why has it got 1.7 million blank lines in it? The f*** are we wasting so much computer space? This is ridiculous.”

Colleague: “Well, if you’re so stupid as to be confused by a simple thing as spreadsheet structure, maybe you need to go on a training course to teach you how to use computers. I have a meeting to go to now. Once you have sorted yourself out and learned how we do things round here, I will contact you again.”

Me: “No worries.”

(I let him get on with it. He never got back in touch with me to ask my advice, which was all well and good, as I was able to spend the rest of the day, uninterrupted, fulfilling my role as technical design authority and performing a code quality review of his (not particularly high quality) code.)

It’s A Shock She’s Single…

, , , | Related | June 17, 2017

(My sister has had a nasty break up with her boyfriend. She’s really upset, but doesn’t like a lot of sympathy. I am out shopping at the time, and decide to ask if she wants a treat.)

Me: “Do you want some ice cream? I can come by on the way home.”

Sister: “I swear to god, I will piss over and break your legs!”

Me: “Okay, I know you’re angry, but you don’t have to be so disgusting!”

Sister: “S***! I meant come over.”

(She did get over it pretty quickly, but I kept the ice cream.)

Unable To Ship To Their Fantasyland

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2017

(We are an online-only store, and only have one option available for shipping, which is added automatically at the checkout. A repeat customer who has caused us problems before emailed in stating:)

Customer: “I do not believe in paying for shipping any more. I have been trying to delete it from my basket but there is no option for it. Remove it for me!”

Me: “Nope.”

Should The Board Be Worried?

, , , | Friendly | June 1, 2017

(Many years ago, before Facebook was even a thing, I was a member of an active Internet message board. We all had screen names that we used in lieu of our real names. Many of us became friends in real life, and attended various gatherings all over the country. For some reason, I became the one that everybody trusted with their real world contact information (email addresses, phone numbers, etc.), and if somebody went missing from the board for too long, I would be asked to check on them. So, cue a (male) member going missing for a couple weeks, who was usually on every day. Somebody asks me to call him, so I look through my info and dial the phone. Never had it dawned on me, until a female answers the phone, that I have no idea what this guy’s real name is… All I know is his screen name.)

Wife: “Hello?”

Me: “Um…”

Wife: “Who is this?”

Me: “Okay. This is going to sound super-strange, but is this the phone number belonging to somebody who uses the screen name [Screen Name] on the website [Message Board]?”

Wife: *long silence* “I think you maybe want my husband?”

Me: “I promise I’m not a crazy stalker; it’s just that he hasn’t been online and the board is worried about him.”

Wife: *laughing* “Honey! Come to the phone and tell your crazy friends that our computer has been down!”

(Needless to say, I made sure to note everybody’s real first name after that! He was back online a few days later.)

It’s Not Always Nice To See More Of Your Mother

, , , | Related Romantic | June 1, 2017

(My mum has gotten a new phone.)

Mum: *sends picture of her cleavage*

Me: “What are you doing!”

Mum: “You like that big boy? You want more?”

Me: “No!”

Mum: *sends more*

(As she is only downstairs, I decide to just talk to her.)

Me: “Mum, STOP! You’re sending those to me.”

Mum: *going pale and checking her phone* “[Last three digits]?”

(I nod.)

Mum: “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry. I’ve got you saved as your father!”

(I’m traumatised.)

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