Love Makes Fools Of Us All

, , , , , , | | Romantic | July 8, 2019

(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.” 

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

The Sum Of Their Scam Is Zero

, , , | | Legal | June 4, 2019

(I get an instant message from someone posing as one of my friends on social media. I know it’s not her because I haven’t spoken to her in five years, because her style of talking isn’t anything like her, and because of common sense. Even though I know it’s a scam, I decide to play along.)

Scammer: “How are you doing over there? Have you heard the good news about what is happening?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Scammer: “A friend of mine told me about a program called FPWA, so I applied for it, but fortunately, I got the sum of $90,000 from them.”

Me: “Really?! Seems kind of hard to believe.”

Scammer: “Yes, it is, but I was so surprised when they brought my winnings to me at my doorstep.”

Me: “So, what do I have to do?”

Scammer: “I think you should contact the agent in charge of the grant to see if you are eligible to qualify. I have the agent’s text number with me. Mind if I give you his number for you to contact him?”

Me: “You know, I don’t think so.”

Scammer: “Oh, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What do you say?”

Me: “I’m just a little skeptical.”

Scammer: “Trust me; this is real and legit.”

(The scammer then sends me a picture of cash sitting on someone’s bed. There are a couple of 20’s, but mostly ones. At most, it’s a couple of hundred dollars.)

Scammer: “That’s the picture of when I got my winnings.”

Me: “Oh, wow, you sent me a picture of cash. I’m convinced.”

(I then search the web for a picture of cash. I find a picture of all hundreds sitting on a table. It’s a few thousand at least.)

Me: “See, I can do that, too.”

Scammer: “If that’s what you say, then. But this is real and legit.”

(I decide I have had enough.)

Me: “Look, I know this is a scam. You can stop now and spend your time trying to con someone else, or we can keep playing. Up to you.”

(After that, my “friend” didn’t have anything else to say. I’m not sure why.

Finish The Endgame Before Phase Parenting Starts

, , , , , | | Related | May 20, 2019

(This goes down on my family’s WhatsApp group while one of my sisters is heavily pregnant with her first child, and shortly after the last movie in a long-running franchise is released:)

Sister #1: “I started having regular contractions about half an hour ago, so we’re going to the hospital to check now.”

Sister #2: “Did you get to see Avengers beforehand?”

My Family, And Other Animals, Part 12

, , , , , | | Related | May 17, 2019

(My family lives in several different countries, and one of the ways we keep in touch is through a messaging group where we send each other pictures. It can get pretty goofy, but this day is one of the best. Keep in mind this is all over chat:)

Me: *sends pictures from zoo*

Brother: “Wow! Did you just get back from the zoo? I went today, too!” *sends pictures from different zoo*

Sister: “We felt a bit left out, so we decided to stop by our local zoo, too!”

(She sent us pictures of my niece and nephew dressed in hooded dinosaur onesies with a sign on the crib that said, “Please don’t feed the animals.” Gotta love family!)

My Family And Other Animals, Part 11
My Family And Other Animals, Part 10
My Family And Other Animals, Part 9

About To Do A Road Trip Flip

, , , , | | Friendly | May 16, 2019

(I’m a broke college student living in central Florida where everything is overpriced due to the major theme parks here, on top of a great many other things. My friend texts me and my boyfriend one day.)

Friend: “Hey, want to go on a road trip? My boyfriend and I are thinking of going to the beach. It could be a double date!”

Me: “Oof, sorry. We don’t have any money to spare.”

Friend: “No! We won’t have to spend anything. We can bring food from home, and we’ll just make it a day trip, so no hotels! We can even carpool!

Me: “Let me check with [Boyfriend].”

(He says sure, as long as we aren’t staying overnight and aren’t planning on buying a bunch of junk food.)

Me: “Okay, we’re good. When would we go?”

Friend: “This Saturday.”

Me: “All right, great.”

(That weekend rolls around, and she texts us again.)

Friend: “When are y’all picking us up?”

Me: “Er, we figured you’d be driving.”

Friend: “No, we can’t pay for all that gas.”

(I want to strangle her, but at that point, we’ve already gotten ready, had another friend pick up our dog, and prepared our food, so we just let it go and pick them up. However…)

Friend: *at the trunk of our car* “There’s not enough space back here for our tent.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you’d be bringing it, since it’s so nice outside, and it’s just the four of us.”

Friend: “Four? No, [Her Boyfriend]’s sister and her girlfriend are coming, too!”

Me: “Really? Okay.”

(It’s not. I’m seriously mad.)

Friend: “At least they said they aren’t bringing much. It should all fit at their feet.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Friend’s Boyfriend: *walking up to hear the last bit* “They were supposed to take the third row in your car. I thought that was why you offered?”

Me: “I didn’t offer, and I didn’t even know your sister was coming!”

(My friend’s boyfriend was livid. We did go on the trip, but it was tense. All SIX of us in one car, with a ton of stuff? No, thanks. No surprise, about a month later her boyfriend broke up with her because she pulled a similar stunt with his parents, making them pay for an expensive surprise party for him.)

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