Bye-Bye, Boo-Boo

, , , , | Related | March 30, 2020

I’m video-chatting with my sister and almost-three-year-old nephew while he’s in the bath. Obviously, there’s been lots of fun and too much splashing, but he quiets down for a minute and then says:

Nephew: *Looking at his finger* “Mama, can’t find boo-boo.”

Sister: “You can’t find your boo-boo?”

Nephew: “No.”

He starts looking around in the tub.

Sister: “What are you doing?”

Nephew: “Looking for boo-boo!”

Sister: “You’re looking for your boo-boo in the water?”

My sister and I are already laughing, but since she’s sitting there with him she has to keep it together. I, on the other hand, do not!

Nephew: “Yeah! Swim away!”

Sister: “Your boo-boo is swimming away?”

Nephew: “On the wall!”

Sister: “It’s on the wall now?”

Nephew: “Yeah!”

Sister: “Well, what is it doing on the wall?”

Nephew: “Alligator got!” 

Sister: “Oh, an alligator ate your boo-boo? That’s too bad.”

I’m basically dying of laughter. My nephew is suddenly sad and looking at his finger again.

Nephew: “Yeah…”

Sister: “Buddy, don’t worry. It’s actually better to not have a boo-boo, okay?”

My nephew thinks for a second.

Nephew: “Okay.”

Of course, he then immediately went back to playing! Family is fun, even from far away.

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Speak To Him In Dad Code

, , , | Related | March 5, 2020

(I am living and working outside of the US, but I keep my US bank account active. My father also has access to my account in case anything happens that would be easier to deal with in person. I trust him with my account, but he doesn’t have the greatest faith in my career. For some reason, he’s convinced that I should quit my job, go back to university, and learn computer coding. I’m in my 30s and have been following my career path for several years. I don’t make outstanding money, but I live comfortably, enjoy my job, and love the country I’m working in. One day, my dad emails me.)

Dad: “Your account is getting a little low.”

Me: “I know, my [subscription] payment was taken out yesterday.”

Dad: “Do you need me to loan you some money?”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Dad: “Are you sure? I can transfer some money into your account right now. I wouldn’t want it to get overdrawn.”

Me: “I transferred some money from my account here just yesterday. It should go through within a day or two, and I don’t have any transactions scheduled before then.”

Dad: “I found this good coding course online. I’ll pay for [subscription] and give you $500 extra if you take the course.”

Me: “Uh, no. I’ve told you before that I’m not interested, and I don’t have the time to spend slogging through a course that has no benefit to my job.”

Dad: “You know you could be making so much better money, right? I love you and I just want to see you able to support yourself.”

Me: “We’ve had this conversation before. I do support myself. I love my job. I have no wish to quit my job and learn coding. I frankly find it so boring I could scream, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to tolerate it as a career. You keep offering me money but I haven’t taken it. I have no need to take it. You haven’t paid for anything of mine since I got my own phone plan in university. I might not be making the kind of money [Dad’s career] earns, but I. Am. Fine.”

(I don’t know how to get it across to him that I don’t need any financial support. He just doesn’t seem to understand that I’m comfortable enough with my current income that I value job satisfaction over extra money.)

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We Have An Irony Warehouse

, , , , , , | Working | March 2, 2020

(I work in a building that is half office spaces and half warehouse. Most of the warehouse staff does not have a work computer of their own to use like those of us in the office area. One of our new VPs sends out a company-wide email with important updates and forms regarding our company’s health insurance. At the end is this gem:)

Email: “If you do not have access to a computer please contact a supervisor to review this information.”

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Typo Psycho

, , , | Right | January 11, 2020

(I work for an online store as a customer service employee, team email. Our emails always start with “Geachte heer/mevrouw,” translating it as “Dear sir/madam.” One customer is irate and one of my colleagues makes a typo in the start, “Gehate heer/mevrouw,” which you can translate as “Hated sir/madam.”)

Customer: “This is outrageous! How dare you treat me like that?”

Me: “I do apologize; it was a typo. My colleague meant, ‘[proper introduction].’”

Customer: “Stop lying! I know all the Internet slang! Your colleague just threatened me!”

Me: “Again apologies, sir, but it was a typo. My colleague had no malintent.”

Customer: “I will go to the police and file a report! Two reports! One for you guys scamming me and the other because [Colleague] threatened me! I have the email as proof!”

(It was then decided it would be sent through to our main office. They, too, couldn’t convince the man it was just a typo… The original complaint? The man had given a wrong address and the order had returned, giving him a full refund.)

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Pow! What A Museum!

, , , , | Friendly | December 23, 2019

(My friend is coming to stay with me for a long weekend and we are going to tour the sites in Washington DC. We had initially planned to walk around the different monuments at the Capitol Mall the first day, but I check the weather forecast and learn that there is a high chance of rain. I decide to text my friend and suggest checking out one of the Smithsonian museums on our first day, but autocorrect has a different plan.)

Me: “It’s going to rain tomorrow. How about instead of the monuments, we go see the smut onomatopoeia?”

(I hit send.)

Me: “Uh… I meant the Smithsonian museum.”

Friend: “Haha, sure, that sounds good.”

Me: “What the heck is a smut onomatopoeia?”

Friend: “I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m guessing it’s a wet, squishy sound.”

Friend: “Ew!”

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