Not Quite Jumping To Conclusions

, , , , , , | | Learning | July 31, 2019

(I’m in my late 20s. I have worked with kids for many years. I’ve just gotten in an elevator when I’m followed by a group of girls, no older than 13. There is a sign in the elevator warning people not to jump.)

Girl #1: “Okay, everyone. On three…”

(They get set, and I realize that they’re going to jump once the elevator starts moving.)

Me: *in my best teacher voice* “HEY!”

(They all stare at me.)

Me: “What does that sign say?”

Girl #1: “Jumping in the elevator will cause… entrapment.” 

Girl #2: “What’s entrapment?”

Me: “It means that we will be trapped if y’all start jumping.”

(Blank stares.)

Me: “We’ll be stuck, and the fire department will have to rescue us.”

Girl #2: “Ohhhhh.”

Me: “I don’t want to be stuck in an elevator today. Do y’all?”

Girls #1-4: *quietly* “No, ma’am.”

(My floor dinged, so I got off. As I was walking away, I heard one of the girls say in surprise, “How did she even KNOW?”)

The Cats Have Now Gone And Thrown It All Away

, , , , , , | | Related | July 28, 2019

(I’m driving my five-year-old daughter to daycare, and on the way, we’re listening to a very popular rock radio morning show. Today, the hosts are comparing “Bohemian Rhapsody” to “Rocketman.” As I pull up to the daycare and I’m walking her inside, she says:)

Daughter: “Mommy! I didn’t know our Freddie Mercury was famous enough to be talked about on the radio!”

Me: “[Daughter], they weren’t talking about our cat. They were talking about the singer he was named after.”

Daughter: “But I like cats better…”

(Air) Conditioning You To Handle Spiders

, , , , , | | Friendly | July 28, 2019

I fit in with much of the world’s population by being deathly afraid of spiders. I also fit in with much of the world’s population by owning a window AC unit for my room.

This air conditioner has stretchy panels on both sides that are meant to stretch out to block the rest of the space in the open window, since the weight of the open windowpane is what is holding the unit in place, and because you don’t want the open window letting in hot air or letting out cold air, of course.

My window is a little bit too wide to exactly fit the length of these stretchy panels, and one of the panels is also missing a screw that holds the very bottom of the panel in place. What this means is that, when the unit’s panels are fully stretched out to block the open window, there’s a very small gap that can let air and objects through.

I thought this would be a small problem, or maybe not a problem at all, so my fix was to simply put scotch tape over the opening to block insects and air from trying to get in. Could a mosquito possibly even find that gap, anyway? There was no way I would have to worry about things flying in, right?

Well, maybe not quite mosquitoes…

One day, I came into my room and walked over to the window to turn the AC on when I was greeted with the sight of a noticeably large spider trying to push its way through the tape barrier, through the gap, and into my house, for whatever reason. Probably to try and murder me, like any spider would, I’m sure.

While I saw that my tape barrier was adequate for keeping out a normal, yet large, spider, I still felt the immediate urge to eliminate the threat. I turned away, say, “Nope,” and made my way through the house.

As I walked through the living room, still repeating “nope” at random intervals, I made a beeline for the cabinet under the kitchen sink and found the most caustic and/or most toxic bug spray I could find and made my way back to the offending bug.

I walked into the room, said one final, “nope,” and then instantly started blasting the spider through the tape with the spray at almost point-blank range. The spray was actually so toxic that it began dissolving the flimsy tape, and the spider was very much dead by this point, but I no longer cared about the consequences of my actions until I could personally verify that this Hell-spawn was erased from the face of the earth.

After about a full 30 seconds of chemically power-washing my windowsill, I decided that the threat had been neutralized and started cleaning up the melted spider-tape-chemical ball by knocking it back out of the window from whence it came using a very long chopstick. I then proceeded to use the next ten minutes to put double-layer extra-strength duct tape on every single crevice that the window might have. Thankfully, I haven’t had a repeat incident since.

I get that spiders do good for us by keeping obnoxious flying insects in check… but I still can’t justify their existence.

They’re just too evil.


He’s Lined Up For An Argument

, , , , | | Right | July 23, 2019

(I’m at the post office to deliver a package. As I’m waiting for the worker to finish inputting information on his computer, another worker comes up to the counter, towing a cart with a single box on it; he then calls to a woman standing against the wall with a slip in hand to pick up a package. When she walks up to receive help, an older man walks out of the line and approaches her.)

Man: *tapping her shoulder* “Excuse me, ma’am, but I was standing in line there and you just cut in front of me.”

Woman: *after looking startled for a moment* “Oh, he just called me up for a pick-up. I wasn’t in the line.”

Man: “Yes, but I was in the front of the line there and you just cut ahead of me.”

Woman: “I was already waiting against that wall over there to pick up a package. I didn’t—“

Man: “I know, but I was in the front of the line and you just cut ahead of me. I should have been next.”

(At this point, the worker who’s assisting her cuts in.)

Worker: “Sir, she was just waiting for a pick-up. She didn’t cut the line; I called her over here.”

Man: “Yes, I know, but I was in front and she just cut ahead of me. She shouldn’t have gone ahead of me; I was supposed to be next.”

Worker: “She wasn’t in the line, sir. She was waiting for me to retrieve her package. I couldn’t assist you over here. I’m just giving her a package.”

Man: “I know, but she just shouldn’t have done that. I was in the front of the line.”

Worker: “I’m sorry, sir, but she’s just picking up a package. I wouldn’t have been able to help you.”

Man: “Yes, I know, that’s fine. But she shouldn’t have done that.”

(The man returns to the line, and the woman scurries away with her package, looking flustered. The worker shakes his head and throws his hands up.)

Worker: *pushing his empty cart away* “I’m sorry, sir, but I couldn’t have helped you even if I wanted to!”

Self-Labelled Stupid

, , , , | | Right | July 23, 2019

(I work in our returns department. I give customers return labels if the item is defective. If the customer can’t print out the return label, it’s their responsibility to contact us. This is stated in the email that we send with the return label. If the customer decides to ship on their own account, we do not reimburse shipping charges. Every once in a while, I get these calls.)

Customer: “I couldn’t print out the label you sent me, so I paid for the shipping. Can I be reimbursed since it’s your fault for the defective item and I had to pay for shipping?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but our return policy states that it’s the responsibility of the consumer to contact us if they can’t print out the label. We don’t reimburse shipping charges if you decide to ship on your own account instead of using the label that we provided.”

Customer: “Where does it say that? I never got that message.”

Me: “Sir, it’s in the email that we sent along with the return label.”

Customer: “You expect me to read every email I receive?”

Me: “Well, yes, since you requested to return the item and we sent you the instructions.”

Customer: “So, am I getting my money back for the shipping charges?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *hangs up*