If The Cap Fits…

, , , , | Romantic | March 10, 2019

(My husband and I have recently watched a B-list movie with an actor who repeatedly says, “I’m gonna pop a cap in your a**,” to the point that we have jokingly quoted it on random occasions. I walk in from work one day after a long, stressful day and corner him.)

Me: “I’m going to pop a kiss on your lips.”

Husband: “I definitely like that over the alternative.”

Making A Boob Of Yourself At 30,000 Feet

, , , , | Friendly | March 8, 2019

(I’m flying home to go to a funeral, with my baby flying as a lap infant. I make it to the airport in plenty of time for our flight, but the airline has a system outage and has to cancel almost all flights for the day. We stick around, hoping the problem will be fixed and we’ll be able to make a flight that night, because I’ll miss the funeral if we don’t. Everyone is kind of grumpy because of all the delays, but most people are fairly understanding. They finally start sending planes out again in the evening, and we manage to get on a flight that leaves around 11 pm or midnight; it’s not ideal with a baby, but it’ll get me to the funeral. Somehow I end up with an aisle seat in the first few rows of the plane. I realize this is a full flight, so I’ll have to move at some point to let someone sit in the middle seat, but since I’m holding a baby most people decide to pick a different seat rather than sit next to me. My daughter starts to get fussy, since it’s way late and she’s tired and boarding is taking forever, so I do what I know will settle her down and probably get her to sleep for the duration of the flight: I pull out my nursing cover and start to breastfeed her. She’s out in a few minutes. I assume that anyone who wants to sit in the middle seat will politely get my attention and ask, and mentally figure out the best way to maneuver to keep the baby sleeping. Between taking care of my daughter and feeling frazzled from the difficult day I’ve had, I don’t notice the man standing in the aisle next to me, annoyed that I haven’t noticed him and moved. He speaks to me sharply, which is when I notice him for the first time.)

Man: “What’s wrong with you? You break your arm?” *referring to my nursing cover, which hangs around my neck*

Me: *puzzled, and not catching on that he wants me to move so he can get into the middle seat* “No, I’m nursing a baby.”

Man: *goes wide-eyed and stares at me for a second, then almost audibly snaps his mouth shut and rushes off to the back of the plane, while the people around me chuckle*

There Was No Mis-Steak

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2019

(I am in a Texas-themed steakhouse restaurant. I am the sole customer who witnesses this transaction. At dinner one night with my mother, teenage daughter, and her friend, I observe a waitress bringing a tray of food to the table next to us. What catches my attention is that the customer seated diagonally across from me starts snatching the food off the tray as the waitress is trying to set it down. It unbalances the tray which nearly falls. The customer passes the food out to everyone at the table, a group of four middle-aged women, then looks down at her food and gets mad.)

Customer #1: “You got my order wrong. I asked for loaded mash potatoes, not a baked potato.”

Waitress: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That’s not your food; you ordered the eight-ounce sirloin, and that’s a six-ounce sirloin…”

Customer #2: “You messed up my order, too. I wanted a baked potato, not mashed potatoes.”

(I wait for someone, anyone, to speak up and point out the mistake. One of the ladies is on her phone, not paying attention. The other has started eating. Again, the waitress tries to explain.)

Waitress: “Ma’am, the plate you put in front of you is not yours. That’s not your steak…”

Customer #1: *condescending tone* “Listen, sweetie. The steak you got right. I like mashed potatoes. This is a baked potato. Can you see how you f***ed up?”

Customer #2: “I very clearly said I wanted a baked potato.”

Customer #1: “This is all wrong.”

(The waitress is very calmly trying to fix the situation through this. They keep cutting her off while insisting on sending all the food back.)

Waitress: “If you just let me explain—“

Customer #1: “What’s there to explain? You f***ed up our order. Take it back and get it right this time.”

(She then proceeds to put all of the food back, including the “correct” orders. Once the food is back on the tray, the waitress tries one more time.)

Waitress: “Let me just try it this way.” *passes the food out to the people that ordered it*

Customer #1: “Now you got it. This is what I ordered. You need to pay better attention to your customers.”

Customer #2: “Mine’s right, too.”

(I was in utter disbelief. I looked around to see if anyone else saw this interaction. No one did. Later, the manager was making the rounds, checking on each table. [Customer #1] complained about the service from the “stupid waitress.” The manager apologized and moved to our table. I told him the whole story. He told me they came in once or twice a week and always had a problem. Last time, they’d complained because they didn’t order peanuts and wanted them off their bill. Peanuts are complimentary and on every table. He agreed to not charge them for peanuts.)

Won’t Give It A Rest(room)

, , , , , | Right | March 6, 2019

(My store only has one set of restrooms, near the checkouts, but there are several stalls so there’s usually not a wait even if one stall is out of order or dirty. I’m working near the back of the store when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Where’s your restroom?”

Me: “Up front, near the registers.”

Customer: “No, no, your restroom. Where’s the one you use?”

Me: “I use that one.”

Customer:No! Where. Is. The. Restroom.You. Use? When you don’t want to use that one? That one’s dirty!”

Me: “That’s the only restroom in the store. I can’t step away from my project right now, but if it’s dirty I can call a coworker to clean it.”

Customer: “No! It’ll still be dirty. I won’t use some filthy public restroom. I know you have an employee restroom in the back room; let me use that one!”

Me: “Um… No, there is no separate employee restroom. There is only that restroom up front. I use that one. The employees all use that one.”

Customer: “You’re lying! I know there’s one back there!”

(They ran off after that, I guess to find a non-filthy, non-public restroom. I’ve heard of customers thinking there’s infinite stock in “the back,” but this is the first I’ve heard of it also containing a sparkling clean restroom for customers who want it hard enough.)

Hoping For A Closing Down Sale

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2019

(About two weeks ago, my big-box store began a major remodel. There is a giant sign underneath the store name on the front of the building that says, “Thank you for your patience as we remodel,” and smaller signs with the same phrase are scattered liberally throughout the store, as well as signs with maps showing which departments are moving around. We’re also not taking any merchandise off the floor, just stocking things densely and squeezing aisles closer together in order to clear space for the areas being worked on. Most customers are capable of reading the signs or at least figuring out what’s going on for themselves, but I’ve still had to have the same conversation with two or three different people, every single day, along these lines:)

Customer: “What’s going on in here? Are you guys closing?”

Me: “No, we’re remodeling. Sorry for the mess, but the store will look great when it’s done!”

Customer: “But those shelves are all completely empty.”

Me: “Those are empty because the merchandise that was on them has all been moved over there, so those shelves can be replaced by new ones. I can help you find anything you’re looking for.”

Customer: “But the electronics section is gone. I’m sure you’re closing; why else would you get rid of that?”

Me: “We haven’t gotten rid of it; it’s moved to that corner of the store. We’re not closing. Here’s a map of what the store will look like when it’s finished; the highlighted areas have already been completed, and these areas here are scheduled to be done in the next couple of weeks.”

Customer: “Are you sure you’re not closing? This store’s been looking a bit shabby for a while now.”

Me: “Absolutely positive. That’s actually why we’re remodeling; this is an older store and corporate wants to get things back into a condition our customers can enjoy.”

(The conversation inevitably ends with the customer dubiously “taking my word for it,” and wandering away. Half the time I see them again later, asking one of my coworkers why the store is closing.)

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