Performing An Amazing Feet

, , , , | Learning | December 8, 2017

(I teach swimming lessons. Today I’m one-on-one with a girl who is about eight years old. I am currently introducing her the dolphin kick — kicking with both feet together — when she suddenly switches back to the kick she is used to, mid-lap.)

Me: “That looked great at the start, but how come you stopped the dolphin kick in the middle there?”

Student: *shrugs*

Me: “When we’re doing dolphin kick or breaststroke or whatever, you have to do it all the way through.”

Student: *with complete seriousness* “My feet live their own life!”

Me: *after busting out in laughter* “Your brain gives the orders, hun! Make them respect the chain of command!”

Unfiltered Story #101186

, | Unfiltered | December 7, 2017

I work for a law office as the receptionist. When it gets busy, I tend to jot names down so I can go back to type information in under each client’s notes. There are times I have to go back through the client names to confirm I’ve written full notes in. As I’m going through the list one day, I notice an A&A Floors. For the life of me, I can’t figure out which client this is and why I’ve written it down. I even look it up with the intent call them to make sure the lawyer hasn’t contacted them concerning our floors. There isn’t an A&A Floors in our location, so I ask the lawyer and my coworkers about it. They don’t know a thing about it, either. I have given up on figuring out who that is when my coworker takes a look at my list and points out, “It says A&A Flores. I think you mean the twins.” Apparently I had shortened their name in my rush to answer phone calls, and couldn’t even read my own writing well enough to make the name out.

Can’t Stop Pooping Out Excuses

, , , , | Related | December 5, 2017

(My seven-year-old son has a school event today that parents are invited to come see.)

Son: “So, can you come?”

Me: “I’m sorry, hon. I can’t. I have to go to work, same as every day.”

Son: “Call your boss and tell him you’re sick! Tell him you can’t stop pooping!”

Me: *with horrified laughter* “No, no, I don’t think I should tell him that! Now, go get ready for school!”

The Power Of A Name

, , , , , | Working | December 2, 2017

(I stop by the food court at my local mall to get lunch and choose a burger place. Everything is totally normal. I get my drink and wait for my food. They call my name, I get my bag, and it’s only after I sit down to eat that I realize something is wrong; I got my fries, but instead of a burger, there is a container of chicken nuggets. I glance at the receipt I got with the bag to confirm that it does indeed say I was charged for a burger combo, and then go back up. I’m nearly 40 years old, and none of the employees can be much over 20, mostly teenagers.)

Me: *walking up to the counter* “I’m sorry; I don’t think this is my food—”

(The employee doesn’t acknowledge me, but starts talking through the window to the guy in the kitchen. That’s fine; they’re busy, it’s loud, she may not have heard me before she started talking, and it sounds like they’re talking about orders, not just chatting. I wait for her to finish.)

Me: “Hi, sorry; this isn’t my or—”

(The employee practically shoves a new bag into my hands, fixes me with a disapproving stare, and says in her most weary, chiding voice…)

Employee: “Yes, because YOU took the order meant for [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, because I’m [My Name]!”

Employee: *eyes get huge* “Oh! We… we must have mixed up the bags.”

Me: “Uh-huuuuh! How about that?!”

(I really wasn’t annoyed until she addressed me like a misbehaving toddler!)

Try Not To Embrace It Too Much

, , , , , , | Related | December 1, 2017

(My sister has recently had a baby, and I’ve gone over to see her newborn. She uses this as a chance to take a much-needed bath and get food while I rock the baby to sleep. She comes back in the room thirty minutes later to find that the baby is asleep in the crib, and I have picked up their dachshund to rock and sing to. She gives me a strange look.)

Me: “I’m still in cuddle mode.”

Sister: “As long as you don’t try it on me, we’re good.”

Page 3/3112345...Last
« Previous
Next »