(My manager is talking to a customer about what they need fixed on their car. I often eavesdrop so I can hear from a person’s own words what is wrong. It often helps me to diagnose the problem.)

Customer: “The truck isn’t running right. It doesn’t have power and runs rough.”

Manager: “Well, when do you notice the problem?’

Customer: “When I’m slowing down.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t have power when braking?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Manager: “Do you mean the brakes don’t feel right?”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “What about when you get back on the gas pedal? Does it go fine?”

Customer: “Oh, yes it has plenty of power then.”

Manager: “So, when you are on the brakes and slowing down, the truck doesn’t have power, but when you get back on the throttle it has plenty of power?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Manager: *speechless*

(We take the car in and run full diagnostics. I never found anything wrong with the truck. It ran like it was brand new and had very few miles on it.)

(Our store sells tons of marijuana-inspired products, but we are not a head shop. A man approaches the counter with one of our huge tower incense burners.)

Customer: “Yeah, I smoke a lot of weed.”

Me: *laughs* “Okay, will this be it for today?”

Customer: *ignoring my question* “Nah, I don’t smoke weed anymore. My job won’t let me!”

Me: “Those darn drug tests, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah. I switched to cocaine, because it goes out of your system in a couple days!”

Me: *speechless*

(The man continues to laugh about this and walks nonchalantly out of the store with his wife and children.)

(I am a cave tour guide. I’m talking about one of the cave’s rooms when a tourist raises her hand.)

Tourist: “Where are we right now?”

Me: “I believe we are north of where we came in, ma’am, but I can’t be sure because of all the twists and turns down here.”

Tourist: “No, no, I want to know where we are right now!”

Me: *confused as to what she wants* “Um, near the highway? We’re in [City]?”

Tourist: “No! What state are we in?”

(The entire group stares in amazement.)

Me: “We are in Texas, ma’am.”

Tourist: “Good. I thought we were in South Dakota or some s*** like that! Carry on.”

(My boyfriend and I are at a local video rental store when we overhear a conversation between a couple about what movies to rent.)

Husband: “What about this movie? I heard it was a good movie.” *points to ‘Twilight New Moon’*

Wife: “We’re not renting that.”

Husband: “But we each get to pick one movie.”

Wife: “We’re not renting that! It’s for teenage girls.”

Husband: “We each get a movie. That’s the movie I want.”

Wife: “That movie is for teenage girls. I will not watch that movie! If you rent it, you will be watching it alone. I am not going to watch that!”

Husband: “It’s supposed to be good. I should be able to pick what I want since we each get a movie.”

Wife: “Fine. I’m going to tell everyone you work with that you watch movies for teenage girls!”

(He didn’t get the movie.)

(A man calls to check on a cake he’d ordered, but things just go downhill from there.)

Customer: “I’d like to check on the cake I ordered for graduation.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is [Donut Shop]. We don’t make cakes; we only make donuts.”

Customer: “I ordered the cake two weeks ago and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because we don’t make cakes here. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Is this [Donut Shop]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

Customer: “Well, I know that’s where I ordered my cake, and I want to know if it will be ready.”

Me: “I can’t help you with that because you didn’t order a cake here. We don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Are you near [Chain Grocery Store]?”

Me: “Yes, there’s one near us.”

Customer: “Then that proves I ordered the cake there because it was right near [Chain Grocery Store].”

Me: “You may have been somewhere near [Chain Grocery Store], but you couldn’t have been here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts. We don’t even have an oven except for a small microwave oven. Everything here is deep-fried, so we have no way to make cakes even if we want to.”

Customer: “Well, where did I order my cake then, if I didn’t order it from you?!”

Me: “I don’t know where you ordered your cake, but I do know that you didn’t order it here, because we don’t make cakes. We only make donuts.”

Customer: “Whatever! You are incompetent! I’m never ordering cakes from you guys ever again!” *click*