(I overhear the following conversation as I’m stocking crafts; it’s a forty-something mother and her teenage daughter.)

Mother: “… okay, we need beads.”

Daughter: “Just make it fast.”

Mother: “Don’t take that attitude with me.”

Daughter: “I don’t know why I go anywhere with you!”

Mother: “Oh, look! Gift boxes! With Rudolph on them!”

Daughter: “Mom, be quiet. Just shut up… please.”

Mother: “Look! Rudolph! You see Rudolph?”

Daughter: “Mom, shut up! Can we leave?”

Mother: “It’s just so godd**n a** f**king cute!”

Daughter: *rolls her eyes and stomps off*

(This is an ice cream shop with a drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, two burgers with bacon.”

Me: “Sir, we actually don’t have burgers… just ice cream.”

(Upon hearing this, the customer looks up to see the burger chain next door.)

Customer: “How did I end up in this line?!”

Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.”

Me: “What denomination?”

Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.”

(We are having a sale where if you buy any one of a certain set of DVDs or CDs you get a music sampler for free. The customer I’m ringing up has one such item. I grab the music sampler, explain that she gets it for free today, scan it, and place it in her bag.)

Customer: “Hold on! That isn’t free! You scanned it. You scanned it and your computer went beep! You’re charging me for it!”

Me: “We have to scan the free items so that we can keep track of our inventory, but it rings up as zero.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It went beep! Take it off! I don’t want it if you’re going to charge me!”

(I turn my computer screen around so that she can see it and point to the title of the music sampler and its price.)

Me: “See? It rang up zero. I just have to scan it so that we can keep track if how many we sell.”

Customer: “But it beeped! You b****, don’t lie to me! That’s unchristian! I’m never shopping at this store again!”

(She snatches up her keys and stomps out of the store without buying anything.)

(After staring at the menu displayed above the counter, a man finally approaches me to place an order.)

Customer: “I’d like the large popcorn chicken.”

Me: *thinking I’ve misheard him* “I’m sorry, sir, what was that?”

Customer: “The large popcorn chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have popcorn chicken here.”

(He steps back to examine the large menu, complete with pictures, once again. He takes a minute or two before stepping forward again.)

Customer: “Can I get a half dozen drumsticks and some mashed potatoes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any of those either.”

(He steps back again, and looks up at the menu again, as I wait, rather perplexed. He seems to finally realize what he’s looking at.)

Customer: “This is McDonald’s, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Oh.” *leaves looking embarrassed*