Customer: “An emergency just came up. I need to board my dogs for the next week.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s December 24th and we’re completely booked for the holidays.”

Customer: “But I have to leave town. Can’t they stay with you?”

Me: “We don’t have any space for them. Our waiting list has already been notified about cancellations and they have filled those spots.”

Customer: “You just don’t understand! My dogs are very well behaved and I’m leaving town tomorrow. I’ll just drop them off in the morning.”

Me: “Please don’t do that. There is absolutely no room for your dogs here.”

Customer: “Are you asking me to cancel my trip?! Listen, young lady! I’ve been planning this vacation for three months and I will not be stopped now!”

Me: “Is this your emergency?”

Customer:: *click*

This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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(I’ve just finished ringing up a customer’s order.)

Customer: “Is it too late to make the drink and fries big?”

Me: “Of course not, let me just charge it.”

Customer: *to my manager* “It should be free since she didn’t offer it to me! You should offer it to everyone equally!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, she can’t give it to you for free. We’re all human. We all make mistakes.”

Customer: “Well, fine! Next time I want to be helped by someone who isn’t human!”

This story is part of our Outrageous Requests roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Store].”

Caller: “I was talking with my friend about that game I wanted for my grandson? ‘Uncharted Drake’s Fortune’? I thought it was clean, but my friend told me it isn’t clean!”

Me: “Clean, ma’am?”

Caller: “You know, clean! Not evil?”

Me: “It’s only rated ‘T’ for ‘teen’, ma’am.”

Caller: “But is it clean? I don’t want my grandson playing any evil games. What’s this game about?”

(I describe the premise of the game.)

Caller: “So you’re killing the bad guys, then? You’re the good guy?”

Me: “Exactly, ma’am.”

Caller: “So you’re like God striking down Satan?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, something like that.”

Caller: “Oh, good, I’m so glad! Now my friend was telling me that in this game people are digging up graves. Is that true? That’s just not Christian!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s only the bad guys digging up graves and making zombies.”

Caller: “What’s a zombie? I’ve never heard of this.”

Me: “Dead bodies that come back to life, ma’am? They’re supernatural creatures, like vampires or werewolves.”

Caller: “Oh! This game isn’t going to teach my grandson to do any of that horrible witchcraft, is it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, like I said, only the bad guys are doing that. You’re the good guy; you’re trying to stop them.”

Caller: “Oh, okay, then. Well, thank you so much, and God bless you and everyone at your store, and God be with you!”

This story is part of our Biblically Bonkers roundup!

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Caller: “Are you hiring right now?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we are hiring for the infant room.”

Caller: “Oh, that won’t work. My daughter is six.”

Me: “Are you wanting to bring your daughter to our daycare facility?”

Caller: “Yes. How much do you pay?”

Me: “Well, I’m not at liberty to discuss what the employees get paid. But, for your daughter’s age, we charge $95 a week.”

Caller: “So, she will get paid $95 a week?”

Me: “No, sir. That is what we charge for you to bring your daughter here for the employees to look after, teach, and have playtime.”

Caller: “So she can’t get a job here? She won’t be making any money? F*** it. I’ll call someone else who will give her a job.”

Me: “This is [Hardware Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you guys carry an Asus [followed by a long string of abbreviations and numbers] Sound Card?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: *repeats*

Me: “What is that used for?”

Caller: “So you can get sound from your speakers.”

Me: “Like on a computer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Wrong kind of hardware, buddy.”